It started out with a kiss,
How did it end up like this?
Start Destination: Metz, France
End Destination: Metz, France
Via: Galaxie d'Amnéville
09:57AM (GMT) / 10:57AM (Local Time)
I can't claim that we are all awake when we rise in the morning. Rosie grumbles good morning under her breath and rubs sleep out of her eyes when she notices that I'm up too. Her red hair is all over the place, the frizz always seems much more uncontrollable when she first wakes up and my attempts to tell her that she looks like a ginger lion do not go over well.
Elise wakes not long after and slowly the three of us get ready.
We agree to eat as we walk around the city; Levi has requested that we wander today. He mentioned something about the impressive architecture but my mind was still half asleep and so I cannot recall exactly what he was talking about.
Once we begin the journey it is easy to tell though. The entire city is impressive, with large, elegant buildings featured all over. Levi guides us through the streets and we follow close behind. The streets are surprisingly busy and I find that I have to keep my eyes locked on the back of Levi's neck constantly to have any chance of being able to keep up with him without getting lost in the crowd.
He's kind enough to wait for us to catch up, Elise has got caught up staring in a shop window and so has to use the advantage of her height to spot us. As soon as she's back by our side, the walk resumes.
It's truly a pretty city and when we pull to a stop in front of a cathedral I let out a small, unintentional gasp.
I cannot claim to know much about architecture - although Levi always did try to educate me - but even I can tell that this building is exceptionally beautiful. It's almost gothic, with large arched windows that give you a glimpse of what lays inside.
"It's beautiful isn't it?" Rosie says and I answer her question with a smile.
"That's what I love about what we're doing," I reply, "I never would have thought to have come see this if I was on my own."
"Thank god we brought Levi along hey?" There is humour in Rosie's voice but also a trace of seriousness and despite how much she goes on about Levi being annoying, I know she is glad that he is here with us.
"What are you guys talking about?" Levi asks, propping his head on my shoulder.
"Just what a pain you are," Rosie replies.
"You know I think that might actually be the nicest thing you've ever said to me," Levi replies, "most of the time you just call me a narcissistic dick."
"That description still stands."
"You wound me sis."
At this point Elise interjects. The two of us are both aware that once Levi and Rosie get into this kind of conversation it can last for hours and I'd rather not waste my time in Metz listening to the two of them.
"So where to next?"
My stomach rumbles answering the question and I look up at the group with an embarrassed smile.
"Hungry by any chance?" Levi asks teasingly.
"Shut up," I say and I feel my face grow hotter.
Levi wraps a reassuring hand around my shoulder and pulls me closer in an almost hug. He's warm and comforting and he smoothes a hand over my hair in a calming manner.
"Don't be embarrassed" he whispers.
And suddenly I realise that he's not making fun of me for it. That he understands my embarrassment even if it is over something minuscule and he's not going to make it worse. And that's why Levi is one of my favourite humans; he understands situations better than most people, he can tell how to act according to the feeling and I've never once seen him get it wrong. He's good at reading people, he's good at reading me and sometimes it can be scary, because I occasionally feel like Levi knows my feelings when I don't want him to, but sometimes it's such a nice feeling.
It's times like these that I thank Levi's parents for creating him because he can be annoying and infuriating and whatever other adjectives I've used previously to describe hum but he also knows me like the back of his hand and treats me as if I'm the most wonderful person he's ever me and sometimes – just sometimes – it's nice to feel like that.
As if to prove my point Levi smiles at me as if he knows what I'm thinking and offers me his hand. I do not think about taking it because the truth is I've held hands with Rosie and Elise and they really are just friends and so I take Levi's hand, feel his larger palm envelop mine. And his hands are warm, and his cheeks dimpled and I wonder what I did in a previous life to deserve a Levi Matson. Because we're not dating, and I'm not necessarily disappointed about that, Levi is the sort of person where just being friends with them seems like an honour because their happiness is infectious.
There are people who can cheer you up by just spending five minutes with you. Who strike the perfect balance between listening to your problems and helping with them. Who understand when you want to be alone and don't want to be lonely. They're the sort of people who call you up in the middle of the night and ask to go on an adventure, who hold you in the tightest, warmest embrace you've ever felt and who look at the world as if they've never seen it before when they wake up each day. Levi is one of those people and I wouldn't have it any other way.
6:24PM (GMT) / 7:24PM (Local Time)
For some reason we have decided to arrive at the venue early and I am already bored. Elise and Rosie are reading fanfiction on their phones but I just don't feel in the mood so I am delighted when my phone vibrates telling me I've received a message.
Levi: It's so boring here... why did you have to leave me in the hotel all on my own? :(
Jess: Because you hate Blakely?!?!
Levi: So do you now :p
Jess: Shut up, I hate you
Levi: Don't be stupid, you know I love you
Jess: Did you just quote Shania Twain at me?
Levi: Maybe...
Levi: Shut up
Levi: Seriously never mention that again
Jess: And you say my music taste is bad
Levi: Shania Twain is great!
Jess: Yeah, I guess she does make me feel like a woman
Levi: You're use of Shania Twain quotes don't impress me much
Jess: Well then I'm gonna getcha good
Levi: From this moment on we're never going to mention this
Jess: You're right, no-one needs to know
Levi: We know too many Shania Twain songs
Jess: You were the one that said she was great
I am so engrossed in Levi and I's conversation that I do not noticed Rosie and Elise looking over my shoulder until it is too late.
"Are you texting my brother?" Rosie asks.
"Maybe."
"What you talking about?" Elise says.
"Stuff," I say vaguely, trying to ignore my phone vibrating as another text comes through.
"Well then I'm sure you won't mind me reading it," Rosie tells me snatching my phone out of my hand.
There is nothing particularly private about what Levi and I are texting each other but my stomach still drops at the thought of Rosie reading them and so I take my phone back quickly by swiping it out of her hand.
Rosie's eyebrow quirks upwards in surprise and she fixes her gaze on me with a devilish smirk.
"What are you texting Levi about that I can't see?" She asks teasingly. "Because I swear to god Jess, if you're sending my brother nudes then you're more of an idiot than I thought you were."
I roll my eyes in reply because Rosie is most definitely joking and quickly open my phone to reply to Levi's text before he gets annoyed at me for not replying.
Levi: She is great, but that doesn't mean we should be able to name the majority of her greatest hits album and it definitely does not mean we should be using them in conversation
Levi: Jess?
Levi: You bare?
Levi: *there, I fucking meant there
Jess: Sorry, your sister was being annoying, and I am there but not bare, I'm not sure the other fans would appreciate it if I was
Levi: When is my sister not?
Levi: They don't know what they're missing out on, your body is great bare ;)
My fingers hover over the keys to reply and I'm just not sure what to say. Because I never know whether Levi means it when he says things like this or whether it's just harmless flirting to him but either way I'm not sure if it's a good idea to reciprocate it because whatever's happening between us is already a big mess and I'm not sure if supporting Levi in whatever this is is going to make things worse.
And so I decide to change topic but then I realise that subtle is not an adjective that applies to me and so I decide to do what I always do when things between Levi and I get confusing. Run. I mean not literally obviously as that would mean I would miss the concert and would serve no actual purpose seen as though Levi isn't near me. But I run in the metaphorical sense.
Jess: Yeah, anyway I got to go. Concert's going to start soon :)
Levi does not reply and I can tell that he has picked up on the fact that I'm uncomfortable and so I settle back in my seat, my mind racing in all sorts of different directions. And it doesn't help that I was lying, that the concert is nowhere near starting and so I have nothing to distract myself. Even Candy Crush is not providing as much mind numbing entertainment as it usually does.
Elise can obviously pick up on my restlessness as she puts her phone away and turns towards me.
"What's up?"
"Nothing. Why?"
"I thought you were talking to Levi," Elise says.
"I was," I reply, "he had to go."
And I feel bad lying to her because it feels like I'm already lying to her about so many things. In reality I'm not, sure I lie occasionally about her acting skills or whether she has pen on her face but usually I tell the truth. It feels like I'm lying to her about so many things because I'm lying to her about something big. The night in Copenhagen. I want to tell her and Rosie so badly but it doesn't seem like something I can casually drop into conversation. 'Hey Rosie, I'm the girl your brother cheated on his girlfriend with' doesn't seem like a great conversation opener.
"What's up with you two?" Rosie asks. "I swear you're more up and down than a yoyo."
"It's complicated."
"And why's that?" Elise says. "You need to explain these things to us if you want us to understand."
And I know it's true, and I know I need to tell them because this seems like a golden opportunity. I mean they're asking and I'm sick of keeping it from them so I take a deep breath and face them with a very serious expression on my face.
The two of them can obviously pick up on this as I watch as they sit a little straighter in their seats.
"That night in Copenhagen," I begin, "after we'd all been to the club and I'd gone back for my purse. Remember it?"
The two of them nod.
"Well Levi and I kind of hooked up that night, we were both a little tipsy and I don't know I guess we missed each other and it seemed at the time to be a great way for me to move on. I don't know, I guess I wasn't really thinking."
"Wow," Elise says and I will her to say something more.
"Why didn't you tell us?" Rosie asks and she almost sounds hurt, as if she wants to know all the details of her brother's sex life.
"I was worried you were going to hate me for it," I admit, "I mean I kind of hate myself, I caused a couple to split up and I feel horrible. And I knew that you'd just remind me constantly what a stupid decision it was. The two of you were already telling me so much that I was still in love with Levi; I didn't want to give you more information to convince you further of that."
"Technically you are still in love with him," Elise points out smiling slightly.
"That's not why I slept with him."
"Why did you then?"
"Have you ever stumbled across a box of toys from your childhood and instantly wanted to play with them again because you're thinking about all the good times you had playing with them when you were younger?" I ask. "It was like that, all I could think about is how much I used to love dating Levi, and he leant in and he kissed me and I was gone. I just wanted to relive those memories over and over again and sleeping with him seemed to be the only way to do that."
There are a few brief moments of silence as the pair try to wrap their heads around what I'm saying before Rosie interjects.
"That gives a whole new meaning to the phrase toy boy."
10:32PM (GMT) / 11:32PM (Local Time)
I feel sweaty and tired and all I really want to do is crawl into my bed. I'm not sure what it was about that particular concert but it completely drained all the energy out of me and I don't even have the energy to reply to Elise when she makes fun of my lethargic state.
But the thing is I'm tired, completely and utterly devoid of energy, but I'm not sleepy. My body feels electric and my brain is buzzing and all I want to do is go straight back to the concert and repeat the night all over again. It's a familiar feeling but one I'll never get sick of, there's something to be said about an event which makes you want to do it over and over again.
Elise and Rosie are happy to lounge about in the room but I'm somehow restless and so decide to visit Levi and ensure that things are not weird between us after the turn the conversation took.
I don't bother knocking; instead I gently push the door open and softly call his name. There is no reply and so I step further into the room, I know that Levi would never leave the door open if he had gone out; he's too precautious for that.
However there is no sign of him and I am confused until my eyes catch sight of him lying sprawled on the sofa. One of his arms is dangling onto the floor and the other is laid across his chest. I watch as his chest rises upwards and downwards with his breath, soft snores being released and I can't help but think that Levi looks so harmless when he's sleeping.
I consider waking him up and then decide that that's a bad idea. Levi would no doubt be annoyed that I interrupted his sleep and for some reason he seems like he needs it. And so I simply grab a blanket off the bed and pull it over him, careful not to make any sudden moments so as to wake him. His snores stop and for a second I think I've woken him and then his steady breathing resumes just as loudly as before and I take a step backwards, ready to head back to my room.
Knowing that Levi will really not appreciate being woken I quietly tiptoe round the room, tidying up the mess that has appeared despite Levi being in the room for not very long.
As I prepare to leave the room I commend myself for not waking the beast until he speaks, his voice is so quiet that at first I think I'm hallucinating.
"Goodnight Howard," I hear him say, his voice full of sleep.
"Night Matson," I reply.
With that I pull the door shut closed behind me but there is a giant smile on my face because I can't remember the last time Levi called me Howard, probably the last time we went on a date, and it always used to bug me when he called me that, but now I kind of like it. And maybe I shouldn't be quite so happy about it, but it means we're good. It means that we're back to how things used to be. Jess and Levi, Levi and Jess. Just without the kissing this time.