I couldn't believe it. My husband was gone. I went home. The kids came with me. So did Judy, Booker, Penhall, & Fuller. I was so numb. I sat on the couch. I was rocking back & forth. Talking to myself.
"Tommy"
"I gotta start dinner, before Tommy gets home"
"I wonder is he going to want chicken or beef"
"I gotta go to the supermarket, he likes red wine". I laughed , & cried.
"Oh my god Tommy". Zach hugged me.
Zach: mama , it's okay. He was crying. I looked at him .
Me: oh my God, Tommy you're here!! I kissed him
Zach: mama...then he stopped. He decided to play along, to make me feel better .
Zach: yes my love I'm here. He hugged me.
Me: Tommy, I thought you were dead. Tommy you look so young
Everybody just stood there crying, & staring.
Zach: well, you know I've always had good looks babe. We laughed .
Me: Tommy, oh my God we gotta tell the kids. They don't know .
Zach: yes they do babe . They know.
Me: Tommy I'm going to lay down now, I don't feel so well.
Zach: ok babe, you go rest . I love you, I always will, & I'm always going to be here no matter what.
I went to take a nap. Everyone broke down after I went into the bedroom. I woke up hours later. Woke up to a empty room, I could smell Tommy. He was everywhere. I broke down. I decided to go outside on the back porch. I sat there. Staring at the sky. I wondering if Tommy was up there watching me. So many memories flooded my mind. From when I first met him, to when we got married. The fights, the love making, all of it. I felt so numb. Judy came outside.
Judy: hey honey, are you okay?
Me: no , I'm not. My husband is gone.
Judy: yes I know. I'm so Sorry.
Me: shh, it's okay. Judy I miss him already.
Judy: I know . He's with you.
Me: I know I can feel him. He's out here with me. I smiled..
Judy: what is he doing? She smiled
Me: holding me. I smiled
Judy: then talk to him honey.
"Tommy I miss you babe".
"I love you so much"
"We all miss you so much already ".
"You know earlier, I thought Zach was you, he looks so much like you "
I sobbed". I have 5 memories of you. Even Kiyah she has alot of you in her "
Judy hugged me, I hugged back we both broke down .
3 days went by. I didn't eat. I didn't comb my hair, or change clothes. I took a shower maybe once, and I when I did I just stood there crying. I didn't clean my house. I would just sit there and stare at me & Tommy's picture. I smoked cigarettes & drank the entre time. Josiah & Harmony was staying with Kiyah. Penhall came to visit me.
Penhall: Jasmine, how are you?
Me: I'm here. Tommy isn't. I just stared. He hugged me.
Penhall: I miss him
Me: me too.
Penhall: Jasmine you gotta pull yourself together, have you eaten?
Me: I can't.
Penhall: jasmine tommy would not want you doing this. You gotta pull yourself together don't do it for me, do it for him please!!
Me: PENHALL I CAN'T. I screamed.
Penhall: are you trying to kill yourself?
Me: maybe, at least I'll be with Tommy. I cried
Penhall: please don't this . He grabbed my hand. We went into the kitchen . He made me some food.
Penhall: jasmine eat now!!
Me: I don't want to.
He cried.
Penhall: this isn't going to bring Tommy back please!!
Me: fine .. I ate & cried. Penhall cleaned the house for me. He also made me get in the shower. I got out .
Me: thanks Penhall. I hugged him. We both cried. He ended up staying with me . I slept on the couch he slept on the floor.
Tommy's funeral was so sad. It was worst than my Mama's. I held myself together for my kids. They took it so hard. It was time to go to the gravesite. That's when I lost it. They were putting him in the ground. I ran over to his casket.
"PLEASE, TOMMY COME BACK"!
"TAKE ME WITH YOU"!
"I LOVE YOU". I tried to go in the ground with him. Judy & Zach grabbed me.
"NO PLEASE, LET ME GO WITH HIM". I fell to the ground crying. I stayed at the cemetery way past dark. I was just sitting there. Zach stayed there with me.
Zach: mama it's going to be okay. I'm here. He hugged me.
Me: I know that son, I'll be okay..
Zach: mama lets go home.
Me: okay. We left. I cried the whole way home. It was official Tommy was gone..