Axl sat down at the kitchen table like he always used to in the mornings, still yawning and hiding his body in a blanket because he was always cold in the mornings. "Morning dear, you kids sleep well?" Amy asked in a dramatic voice with a grin.
Axl smiled, eyes still closed, "You betcha," he yawned, "Don't you have work or classes or something?"
Amy shook her head, "I don't have to leave for another ten minutes." Axl nodded, eyelids droopy. "Boy how are you still tired it's almost eleven thirty!"
"Time zones are a bitch."
Amy rolled her eyes, "That only makes it eight thirty for you."
"Exactly, its too early for shit."
Amy laughed, "Then why are you up, dumbass?"
Axl rested his head on the table, "Couldn't sleep."
Amy chuckled, fixing a new pot of coffee for her brother, "Well that's a heavy dose of cruel irony if I've ever heard it."
Axl snickered, rolling his eyes, "Oh yes it's very amusing to want to sleep and be unable to."
She set his cup of coffee down on the table in front of him, "Careful, its hot," she warned. Axl sat up tiredly, taking the cup gratefully. "So where's loverboy?" Amy asked, picking up the newspaper off the table and flipping a page carelessly.
Axl took a sip from the mug, "Isn't that a band?"
"Yeah I think they're um, oh, everybody's workin for the weekend," she sang.
Axl grimaced in contempt, "Ekh, pop music..." he shook his head in disgust.
Amy laughed, "Everybody wants a new romance.!" She continued, this time just to annoy him.
He hissed, covering his ears, "LALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"
Amy laughed, "Alright, alright calm down Mister Metalhead before you wake up curly."
She glanced at her watch, "Shit I gotta get to my class."
She ruffled her brother's red hair, kissing the top of his head, "See ya Billy."
Axl hissed, "I didn't like it in the seventh grade and I don't like it now."
Amy smiled, patting his shoulder and heading out the door. Axl let out a deep sigh, drinking in the warm coffee and surprised to taste actual quality coffee for once. Axl closed his eyes tiredly, resting his head in his hand.
He acknowledged that he was alone. He had been trapped in his own thoughts last night even when Slash was there. He expected the voices to attack him immediately now that he was alone. But to his surprise, he heard nothing, even his quiet thoughts were calm and little to none. He figured though it must just be because he was tired. But he didn't feel extremely stressed or anxious or anything.
Axl heard footsteps behind him and sleepy mumbling. He felt fingers comb through his hair and a head rest against his. "Morning.."
Axl took another sip from his cup, "Hm," he replied, relishing Slash's soft lips as he kissed his cheek. He closed his eyes with contentment, feeling extremely cozy, nestled comfortably in his blanket, sipping coffee, Slash gently kissing down his neck.
Slash sat down at the chair next to him, scooched it closer, then determinedly picked up the, weighing in at 0.0 pounds, Axl, and pulled him into his lap. Slash continued covering more little kisses of affection on his shoulder, and Axl still didn't hear any voices or feel any dread or anxiety.
Slash must've noticed his strange calmness. "Feeling better?"
Axl again didn't reply with words, just another delighted hum and sip of his coffee. Slash kissed Axl's lips gingerly, running his hand up and down Axl's leg, stroking his thigh. Axl set down his coffee, nuzzling his cheek against Slash's like a cat, "Hey baby, do you think I should talk to Amy..?"
Slash drew circles on his thigh with his pinkie finger, "'Bout what?" Axl raised his eyebrows knowingly and Slash caught on. "Oh.. I don't know Axl.. I think it might help to tell her about how you're feeling, and why we came here and all, but.. I don't know if you should tell her.. Why, we came to Indiana. You know what I mean?"
Axl thought, letting his head fall back on Slash's, "I think so...?"
Slash bit his tongue, "I just mean... Axl she knows just as much as you do what kind of a person Stephen is, she lived here too. But my point is, she still lives here. It's probably hard enough for her as is, maybe she doesn't need another reason to hate him.." Slash rested his head on his collarbone as Axl let that sink in.
He might be right, he thought. I have to deal with what he did forever.. But I don't ever have to see his fucking face again a day in my life.
She still has to.
She has to deal with knowing all that he's done and still learn to live with what he might still do. I hate it so much that she still has to live here.
But... She doesn't seem to hate it as much as I do..
I'm sure she's not happy, she's a smart girl, she wouldn't forget things that are important to remember.
But Amy was never one to hold grudges, or be rude, resentful, spiteful, or hate things like I do. She's better that way. I don't want her to have to deal with what I've had to.
This isn't me treating her like a little kid, she's an adult, she could handle the truth. This is just because, I don't want to see her turn into me.
Maybe if I had an older sibling who helped me from the pain and sheltered me like I do with her, I wouldn't be like this.
She could still be what I could've been.
She's a good person, I don't want her to feel hate and spite like I do..
I often look in the mirror and I just hate myself, the person I've become...
I never wanted to be a monster like Stephen...
I don't want to be a bad person, but in many ways I can just tell that's how some people think of me, how I think of me...
But.......
I'm not sure I do anymore....
I mean, I know I'm not a great person, I'm still pretty terrible... And there are several things in my life, I'd be much happier if it had never happened...
But I think... I had to go through what I did, to become what I am...
I wouldn't have the same things I have now if I'd never gone through that.
I don't remember much from high school, but I remember one thing my English teacher said. I don't even remember her name, I don't think I can remember what book we were reading, I think it was Fahrenheit 451? I didn't mind it, I don't mind reading good books, its better than math, anyway. But I remember her saying, 'Sometimes we have to be exposed to things like fear, sadness, and pain, so we can appreciate the good things we do have.'
I think that's what I had to do.
Up until I was seventeen life was miserable, I'd never had any of those good things like she said. And that's not okay...
But it's okay to learn to live with it, because, I'm happier now.
I do have good things now, I'm out on my own, out of Lafayette, I'm lead singer in my own band, we can do whatever the fuck we want, I've got the guys, Michelle and soon her baby, and I have Slash.
God, I have Slash.
Haha take that suckahs he's all mine.
I don't show how much I appreciate him as much as I should. If I were in his place I would've left a long time ago.
But he's still here.
I hate getting mad or upset with him, I know he doesn't deserve it. There's lots of things he doesn't deserve that he has to deal with because of me.
A day or so ago I'd think that because of this he's better without me, but, I need him, and he loves me.
Nobody's ever loved me like he does. Nobody.
It still scares me how much he does, and how much I do...
But I can't just be in denial of it.
I do love him.
I do.
Even if it terrifies me.
Even if I might never be able to stand up straight, look him in the eyes and tell him.
I don't know why it scares me so much.
Maybe I will someday, how the fuck should I know.
But all that matters to me now is that he loves me.
There are other things that are important to me, of course. Like the band, music, it's extremely important to me, and I just sit and think what are the chances of it all.
Really, what is the likelihood that I would wind up so lucky, that I get my band, my friends, and fall hopelessly head-over-heels for my bandmate.
I used to think I was unfortunate for it, when I became attracted to him, because I didn't want to lose my friend. But Slash really is my miracle, the one gift from god I've ever really received.
And I'm just so lucky that he loves all the things that I love just as much I do. It's all important to him.
And as important as those things are to me, I think if I had to choose, I could never give up Slash. If I had to choose between him and my dream, music, all of it, as much as it would break my heart to, I could never lose Slash. I don't want to become a famous singer, to make music and perform for a crowd of thousands if Slash isn't there.
I just couldn't.
It would break me in the end.
And I'm just so lucky that the person I fall for, will always be there.
I'll never have to choose.
Because he'll always love me, even when I'm a fucking prick.
I wish I could change things about myself, for my sake, his sake, everybody's...
..But I think, if given the chance...
I don't think I would.
As much as I often despise myself... I wouldn't rather be anybody else.
(Except maybe Freddie Mercury. I'd like to be Freddie Mercury.)
I mean, I don't have much, I've got what I've got, and most of it isn't much good, but in it there're little specks of light that are. Like the fish stars, swimming alongside the bus as I left Indiana.
I was upset, anxious, and terrified. I had almost nothing.
But there were still those little stars.
Still there.
Swimming through the darkness.
Only a few stars, and that's all I need, really.
I don't need a perfect life, hell I don't want it.
All I need are those little stars.
I wouldn't get rid of any of them, not one, and I wouldn't trade the darkness either.
How could I ever appreciate the little specks of light if they weren't in a dark sky?
I wouldn't ever want to be anyone else...
I'm Axl fucking Rose.