Axl rested his head on Slash's shoulder as he drove him to the hospital. He glanced down at his hand, holding the washcloth firmly only his forearm, and saw as droplets of blood began to soak into the white cloth. Axl groaned, closing his eyes.
He felt absolutely awful.
He looked up at Slash with heavy, sorrowful eyes, but Slash didn't notice, his eyes on the road. Axl looked down, lost in thought. Why do I always do this to him? I can't manage myself and I always end up running away or getting hurt and breaking his heart. He shouldn't have to always help me. I shouldn't have to be his problem.
He deserves better than me.
I don't always want to break his heart like this... He cares about me, I know he does. He cares about me a lot. Maybe too much.. I need him too, but I shouldn't have to be his burden... But I know he doesn't want to lose me, he cares about me too much to lose me... He might even love me...
Axl looked up at Slash again, studying him. Slash noticed his gaze and he gave him a gentle smile, softly kissing his eyes. Axl felt a little comforted by him, and Slash returned his attention to the road.
Axl closed his eyes again. I don't know if he loves me.. But I think he could.
Lord, sometimes I think I could too...
But the fact that I might, even just a little, it's... It's really scary.
Everyone I love I always end up hurting, or they always hurt me. And I don't want to hurt Slash, because I know he'd never hurt me. I mean, who knows, he might never tell me he loves me. Maybe he just cares about me a lot. But.... If he loved me... It would be nice to hear that at least one person in my life does...
But he can't, and I can't, I don't want to hurt him...
He can't love me...
I've hurt him enough.
Axl stared out the window, buildings flying by, and he stared at the door handle, contemplating whether or not he should jump out the door. He glanced at the dashboard, about fifty miles an hour. He could do it, he'd gone out at forty-two before, scrambling away with some scrapes and bruises on his knees and elbows, but mostly okay.
Axl looked down, But I can't keep running away all the time whenever I get scared.
All it does is makes me wind up with something broken or needing more stitches and it just hurts Slash more.
And I don't want to hurt him anymore.
I need to stop.
But Axl was struggling to fight the urge to leap for the door and tumble onto the sidewalk, because he felt like he needed to run, run far away, and Slash would never be hurt again. He tried to calm himself down, reassure himself, but dark thoughts continued to cloud his mind beyond his will.
Axl looked down at the bloody washcloth on his arm. If I had gone for the wrist, or took my throat then Slash would never have to worry about me again.
Axl froze, realizing he was beginning to tremble, his air caught in his throat with horror of himself. Did I really just think that? he asked himself, Did I really just think that I wanted to kill myself?
Slash's words repeated in his head, 'when you're feeling like this, please talk to me, tell me, I can help. I promise I won't be mad. I'll be mad if you don't tell me, okay?' Axl buried his eyes in Slash's shoulder, feeling like a pussy because he was painfully close to tears.
"S-Slash..." Axl muttered, "I'm doing it again....."
Axl felt Slash's body tense and he looked down at him, "...Is it what I'm thinking...?"
Axl nodded, "P-probably..." Axl looked up at Slash with scared, sorrowful eyes, "It hurts... Make it stop..."
Axl saw Slash's gaze sadden, "You don't know much I want to Axl," he breathed, putting his arm around him, letting Axl hide his face in his t-shirt. "Thank you for telling me, it's okay, I'm here..."
Axl tried to speak, but his words came out weak and quiet, "I'm-I'm scared Slash...."
Slash rested his head against him, "...I know, I'm sorry... You shouldn't have to be......... Talk to me Axl...."
Axl was silent, "You won't get mad..?"
Slash shook his head, "No, of course not."
Axl took a deep, shaky breath, "I... I was thinking...... I don't like thinking, but......."
"..What were you thinking....?" Slash asked gently.
Axl hesitated, "That...... That I always hurt you..... I-I.... I thought you... You'd be better.... Without me..." Axl felt Slash swerve the vehicle and he lurched forward against the seat belt as it came to an abrupt halt.
Slash turned and picked Axl's head up, holding his jaw with both of his hands, "Axl look me in the eyes." Axl nervously met Slash's gaze. His deep brown eyes were intense and full of emotion, none of which anger, but so much emotion he could hardly tell, "Don't EVER think that. EVER. I need you Axl. I don't just care about you. I need you just as much as you need me."
Axl swallowed. The way Slash spoke, Axl could tell that he meant every single word he said.
"When you run off, it doesn't hurt me because I'm offended you left, it hurts me because the idea of something bad happening to you, or that you might hurt yourself when you're alone, scares me more than anything else in the world. Every second I'm away from you, it aches. So don't ever think about pulling something and leaving me because you think I don't need you. Because if that's what you think then you're wrong. I need you more than I need to breathe, Axl."
Slash held his face closer, looking him straight in the eyes. "So don't you DARE, EVER think that I would be better off without you."
Axl's throat tightened with remorse. Axl kissed his lips, falling deeper into him and throwing his arms around his neck tightly, clinging onto him like he could never let go. Slash held his body close, hugging him firmly to make sure he understood that he was one-hundred percent dead serious.
Oh my god...
Slash loves me.
Axl leaned against Slash as he made their way through the door. They neared the front desk of the emergency room, "Hey excuse me sir?" Slash prompted the man behind the desk.
He picked his gray-haired head up, thin snooty-person glasses on the end of his angular nose, "Can I help you?" he asked, his voice sounded very country-ish and Slash realized that people in Indiana had a slightly different accent, which he never noticed from Axl or Izzy. He just knew sometimes the two of them would ask for a pop or coke instead of what was obviously a soda, but that's all he ever noticed.
He noticed Axl's head, resting on Slash's shoulder, "Or, can I help your, friend?" Slash heard his emphasis on the word friend.
Oh great, one of those guys.
Slash brushed past it, "Uh yeah, he um uh.." Slash struggled to think of something on the spot as to how Axl's forearm was cut but he was finding it difficult.
The man behind the desk seemed annoyed by Slash's lack of words, "There are lots of sick patients here, if its not an emergency you can have a seat and fill out some papers," he said coldly, pointing towards a seat in the waiting room.
Slash looked down, he'd never been treated this way before, he couldn't figure out why this guy was being an ass when Axl's arm was quite clearly bleeding. But he definitely felt uncomfortable with the way the guy looked at him, and it made him feel like a little kid being put in his place by an old person to respect his elders, and he didn't know why he felt like that, "Uh-um yeah, y-yes I know but uh- he uh-" Slash stuttered.
The guy cut him off, "Listen boy, I'm sure you and your friend were busy smashing your loud guitars and one of you got hurt, but maybe it can wait. And maybe you should step aside now for the people with real emergencies." He looked back down at the papers on his desk as if whatever they were here for or were going to say next was unimportant.
Slash felt Axl tensing against him with fury and Slash furrowed his eyebrows in anger. Slash let Axl go for a second and he leaned forward, swiping all the papers and clutter off the guy's desk with his arm and it all hit the floor with a crash, "Hey! His arm is bleeding REALLY bad, which you would know if you actually came out from behind your FUCKING DESK and called for people who could help him!!"
The guy stared at Slash with shocked eyes and Slash grabbed the guy's t-shirt collar, pulling him up face-to-face. He was aware of everybody in the waiting room, including Axl, staring at him, but he didn't care.
"I don't care if you think you're holier than us because what we wear means we're low-life punks or that automatically means you're smarter than us and going to heaven because you stare at women's asses all day but judge if a man holds hands with another man. And I'm sorry that the fact that you think we're satanist punks and faggots means that YOU CAN'T PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE, AND CALL FOR A DOCTOR TO HELP A PERSON WHO IS HURTING AND NEEDS MEDICAL ASSISTANCE. So maybe you should pick up that phone before you need a doctor FOR YOURSELF, WHEN I SMASH YOUR FACE IN, or you could call a doctor for him, right now, AND DO YOUR FUCKING JOB!"
Slash let go of him and the guy immediately scrambled to pick up the phone and called in doctor code for adult male with a cut forearm on the first floor, emergency room.
Slash smiled cynically, "Thank you." Very quickly Slash heard people making their way down the hallway. Slash took Axl's hand, turning to the guy, "And by the way, he's not my friend, he's my boyfriend." Slash stuck his middle finger in the air at the guy and walked with Axl toward the hospital-people.
A friendly looking doctor/maybe nurse lady (Slash had no idea how you can tell the difference) smiled, "Hi, are you the cut forearm?" Axl nodded. "Alright then come with me."
"I'm coming too," Slash put in, a statement not a request.
She nodded politely, "Alright, then you both can follow me."
She finished inspecting Axl's forearm while he held his head back, trying his hardest not to look at it. "Well Mr. Rose, it seems everything here is clean. It's remarkable to have such a clean cut from, an accident in the kitchen, you said?" She seemed questioning, and Axl could tell she didn't quite believe the story, but to go as far that she knew it was intentional he wouldn't say she knew that.
Axl shrugged, trying to be casual, "I was, lucky I guess."
She smiled, "Well then, I'll have a nurse come and see you in a minute to apply the stitches."
Axl swallowed nervously but nodded, "Thanks." She nodded graciously and left the room, leaving him alone with Slash. Axl turned and stared at Slash, "What the fuck was that in the lobby?"
Slash blinked, looking down, "Sorry I caused a scene like that... That wasn't very cool of me..."
Axl's gaze softened, "No, it was badass. The guy needed to be yelled at, if you hadn't I woulda.."
Slash looked at him,"...But...?"
Axl avoided his gaze, "You... Called me your boyfriend... Pretty openly said we were gay....To the whole room."
Slash looked at him, "..Is that not okay?"
Axl didn't meet his eyes, "It's not a bad thing, just..." Axl slowly met his gaze, "This town, really sucks. Everyone here's a fucking homophobic jackass. Like if you've ever heard of small-town values, it's total load of fucking shit."
Axl looked down again, "I don't give a fuck about any of them, they all suck, and they're gonna look down on me no matter what I do. Whether they remember who I am, know who my parents are, or maybe they don't know me at all, but judge me by the way I look or... Who I hold hands with." Axl rested his hand on Slash's arm, "I just... Don't want to give them another reason to look down at me or you."
Slash gave him a compassionate smile, "....But you did just say, Axl.. You know they're gonna look down at you no matter what you do. So maybe... There's no reason you have to hide anything, if they're gonna judge you either way."
Axl looked down, "Well.. Maybe you're right.."
Slash grinned, "Of course I am, I'm always right," he kissed his lips. Axl bit down hard on Slash's lip, who flinched away, "Ow!"
Axl smirked, "Don't be so cocky."
A few minutes later, Axl tensed as he heard the door click open as he knew that it meant a nurse was gonna thread him like a beaten old teddy bear. But then Axl heard from the door the last voice that he expected to hear. A voice that made his heart stop.
"W-William?"