And the next life is certainly far better for you than this one.
Aamna
I threw up everything I ate in lunch .Since this wedding ficaso ,I have not been feeling well. My appetite is gone, and so does my sleep. Today, I ate only curd rice, and that too threw up. If an outsider looks at it ,it feels like morning sickness, but it's not what it looks. I did Wudu and stood on my prayer mat and performed salah of Ishand as usual, I opened my heart to Allah.
"Allah, you are the only one for me.I don't know whom to speak. Whom to open my heart ,and if I does, I don't know if they'll understand or not .As the wedding date is near, my heart is anxious. It's not my pre exam nervousness that stays for a few hours.I am constantly in stress . I feel I am at my worst . I thought I moved on from such things, but I am still at the same place ,crying on my prayer mat .
Whenever Aamir comes around, my toes curles ,palms sweating, heart is thumping like it will come out from my ribcage. My chest hurt like crazy , and my breath becomes shallow. I feel someone has stopped my breathing, and I feel out of the air . Whenever I try to eat food ,I become full quickly.
I know what is triggering my anxiety . The moment we signed marriage papers, he
gain right on me. We have to stay together. I have to share a room with him. Our bed will be the same.I can't spend time with a man alone ,it scares me. How I'll live with him. I have to give him conjugal rights , he will initiate intimacy. He will touch me whenever and wherever he wants. He'll hold my hand ,may be he'll touch my lips or try to kiss me. What I'll do then ?? My scars will be visible to him. He'll find out how weak I was.
How I'll handle this ?? I may postpone it, but I can't cancel it. I am incompetent for becoming a "Good Wife " .Tears roll down from my cheek .I feel pathetic, still stuck on the same point of life. I knew he won't budge. He decided to marry, and he would make it possible . Even if I beg, he won't change his mind . My family won't understand. He won't stop nagging, but
THIS MARRIAGE WON'T LAST FOR A MONTH
It's just a matter of time ,he will back out . Right now, I am just a mission/goal for him. The moment it's achieved, he will lose interest. My family is good for nothing . I'll not inform them if we separate in the future.My eyes caught sleeping Karuna's face .
"You tried your best, but I am back to my anxiety & insecurity," I sighed.Alarm clock started ringing, so it's already 4:30 .
"Congrats, Aamna. You haven't slept the whole night just like yesterday, "I muttered.I started moving towards the washroom to do Wadu.
When I returned, I saw karuna"s sleeping form on the bed .She snuggled more in a giant pink teddy bear.
" This kiddo will be engaged tomorrow . The one who can't handle herself will have to tackle marriage responsibilities. Life is strange. "
I did Fajr salah and then start making notes. I dressed up before 11, and as his call came ,I reached downstairs. His sisters and mother came with a driver.Aamir hasn't arrived,and I got momentary relief
" Bhabhi (Sister in law) ! " Anara ran towards me and hugged me tightly. It filled my heart with warmth. "I am so happy, brother, find his soulmate. Now I'll have another companion to join me ,I don't need boring people,"she showed her tongue to Asma. A wide smile spread on my face.
"Anara ?" His mother warned her, and she kept quiet for some time .
"Assalamualaikum,"I greet her politely, I think it's too early to kiss her hand.
"Waalaikumussalam," replied in the same tone.
our first official meeting after fixing the wedding. I am walking on eggshells, I don't want to do anything wrong today . We sat in the car, and Anara instructed the driver to move towards a nearby cafe.
We give orders as per each one's tastes. Me and Anara have ordered pizza ,Asma & Aunty ordered white souce pasta ,french fries, and vanilla shake .
We started eating, and soon Asma & Anara excused themselves ,leaving me and his mother alone.
"You are becoming part of our family, but we know very little of each other.I thought of this meeting so we can know about each other and later we shall do shopping."
"Thank you so much, Aunty, for such thoughtful actions. "
"I want to know, what's wo special in you that Aamir decided to marry in young age . She said after sipping shake
"I am also trying to figure out. There is nothing special in me .I am even a div.." I struggle to pronounce.
"Divorcee,"she completed my sentence, and I nodded simply. There is awkward silence between us .
"I never thought my son would like a divorcee." I looked in her eyes,then jha down towards floor. It's me who always thinks there is a different outcome, but just like earlier, the same thing happened. Nobody is interested in knowing back story. disappointment filled my heart .
"I told the same to your son if you wish I am ready to call off this wedding. " I replied calmly.
"I hadn't imagined you'll give up my son so easily. On the other side he is fighting his parents, convincing your parents and family . Here you are, ready to give up everything. " she said in equal disappointment. I had no words to say,in what words I should pacify her . After I do that, will she be convinced. I don't know the answers .
"I don't want misery, sorrow, and disappointment of others ,to laid foundation of our marriage. I met him around two years ago, but you people raised him. You are the one who made him what he is today. He spent a significant time with you all. I don't want to hamper his other relationship for me.You had dreams for your son's life ,your life with him ,his marriage. You may have criteria for his bride, but I am unable to fulfill it. You hadn't imagined a divorcee to be his wife, but I was divorced. He thinks so highly of me, but I think practically. " I replied calmly. It feels a weight is lifted from my heart. I expressed what was in my heart ,which Aamir is ignoring. His mother keeps looking at me ,like I had done something extraordinary.
"I like your honesty. It's true that I never imagined my future daughter in law being a divorcee, but now, it's happening. I want to know more about it ." She said
"What do you want to know ? " I sighed. She shouldn't be impressed with my words. It wasn't intended for the same .
"How old were you ?"
"16"
"How many times you spent together?"
"A few months." I can feel unease on her face ,but I continued speaking crucial facts.
"I was abused in marriage. my physical and emotional energy was drained. It took me a while to collect my broken pieces. "I take a sigh of relief when I complete my part . I didn't realize when my eyes got closed. I endured so many things, but remembering such incidents and telling them to someone is very, very difficult. Warm liquid, touch my cheeksand soon I get engulfed in a warm embrace. I know, I should maintain my distance, but I can't. I am unable to do so. My limbs are not working, and tears aren't stopping.
After some time ,calm arrives to me, and I realized whom I am hugging. The embroidery on the fabric is irritating now, but the dupatta on my head is soothing. I am hugging my mother in law. I missed this ,I missed this motherly warmth. Warmth, which my mother denied to me. Comfort only can a mother give but my mother hadn't given me .I feel weak and vulnerable. I tried to move away, but she kept me as such.
Her hand is moving on my back to calm me.
I got my composure in some time, and she extended a glass of water to me. I drink some sips to bring myself to normal .She extended tissue papers to wipe my tears.
"I think I should use ladies washroom. " I said and moved towards it. My appearance looks shabby, my hair is misplaced, and my eyes are swollen. The nose became red, and the cheeks have lines. I splashed water on my face ,cold liquid brought back my sense, and I realized blunder I did a few minutes ago.
I have shown my vulnerability to her, and now it's up to her how she wants to use it.
"You don't have to worry about it."A voice in my head popped up .
"You said truth and truth frees you .Now I have nothing to hide. Everyone will know where I am coming from.They can call it off if they wish ."
I returned to our table and found my mother in law in deep thinking. Soon, Asma ,Anara joined us, and we went shopping as planned earlier
*******
Karuna took me with her to parlor. She said she needs company as it will take hours to get ready. I packed my bags and went with her.I chose a mustard color suit which I bought earlier. It was love pat first sight .Vibrant color with subtle pink embroidery. I picked it immediately without other's opinions. Aamir hadn't come as he had work, and his mother remained silent most of the time. Anara entertained me with her antics
It took us 3 hours to get her final look.she wore vine coloured lahnga with matching accessories. She is looking like a princess of some kingdom. We leave for venue of engagement, and as we enter, everyone's eyes are focused on Karuna . I am walking with her, so I also get attention. Soon, her family arrived, and we got company. She sat with her would be fiancee, and I stood with her . My eyes moved around, and there isn't that familiar face who claimed to be with me .Just like yesterday, Aamir hadn't arrived. Engagement proceedings start, and it caught my attention. It's my first time , and I am attending a hindu function.
I noticed staring on me and looked towards its direction. Aamir came with his signature smile. He wore white kurta and chudidar salwar. He accessorized it with light pink nehru jacket I chuckled. He wore a girl's colour, and it's looks out of place . Men in the ceremony wore Jodhpuri suit wih safa on head . Rest of the guest too wore safa on their head . Women wore bright colors like red ,pinkand yellow . I feel they created mini Rajasthan here. In compare to them Aamir's attire is light and subtle.
He came ahead and sit on chair infront of stage where rituals were happening. We waited for new couple for lunch just like good friends do. I am getting hungry and aroma of spices and sweets increased my appetite. I am walking with Karuna who is greeting guests. I don't know anyone here and conversation is boring . Something touch my hand and I noticed a glass of pineapple juice near me. I liok around and Aamir winked. I take a sip . He brought his hand forward,tossed it, and started sipping from his glass.
"Aamir ,Aamir,"I mumbled and moved my head in disappointment.
"Yes ,yes," he mouthed. "I am ready on your service," he signed
"Not needed,"I gestured him.
Someone asked for a photograph, and I sighed of relief. There is group photos of many people .Aamir stands with men and I am with woman .There were solo pictures of new couple. I clicked so many pictures with karuna ignoring her fiancee. I came down from stage followed by Aamir.
"Aamna ,"he called, and I turned back . This the moment he clicked it.Its selfi, which has only me and him.
"And our first event's momory will be preserved." He said and I gave him tight smile. Love isn't needed in my life but when its coming, I am trying to open up my heart for it.On this Friday I'll be his wife .A good for nothing wife.
After today I'll meet him on Nikah day as his bride .Idea of it is scary as well as exciting. I feel nervous and I don't. There is nothing in the world which can happen without Allah's will and this day hadn't came if it was not his approval.
May be its my way to get rid of my all problems or new problems are awaiting for me. I don't know but I am ready for either one.
At last, we sat on dinner table, I sat near Karuna, and he sat across us . I eat it quietly . There were some light hearted jokes on which Karuna's fiancee doesn't laughed. He oozed a dark aura but whenever he looks her there is warmth and softness. I wish he will treat her good.
"Hmmm " someone cleared his throat and I looked around people are leaving table and I stand up quickly and bid adieu to Karuna and her family. She insisted to send someone to drop but ..
"I'll walk with her to her place."Aamir said and I hang my head in defeat. He aksed to call his drivers but I denied and than we took public transport. It left us a kilometers distance from.my place amd we walk quietly side by side.
"How are you feeling?" He asked and I look at him.in disbelief.
"If you cared about it ,you hadn't proceeded without my permission "
"And when you thought, you'll be ready for it.?"he asked the question, I had no answers.
"You wouldn't ever. " he said and there is again silence.
"I'll not leave my studies in between, I want to complete it and pursue PG in surgery. I won't become housewife and serve all time. My friendship with Karuna will remain intact. You won't ask questions regarding my family history and character traits of individuals. I may meet some of them or deny it ,you won't ask question regarding that." I said in 6 voice . If I am entering it, it's good to express my priorities. If he likes it, he can enter in this marriage.
"Anything else?"
"As of now ,no."
Author note
I told you to be back in October but I got some time so wrote it
Hope you'll like it .