She Stood Under The rain, Alone ,
Above her a gray cloudy sky that she couldn't look at,
she felt the rain drop going deep into her hair and reaching her skin,
Yet she didn't move.
Nobody lived in her shoes,
Nobody saw the storms she had crossed
Nobody knows that the rain won't make her move
Cause simply she learned how to dance in the middle of a storm, under the rain .
Time passes very slow when you're hurt, broke, every minute seems endless. Yet in the middle of that you receive a text, a reminder or an image from a friend telling you it will pass, just keep your faith strong in Allah, you can't help the smile in your face, to take away the pain, to me it did more, that smile gave me strength, through the pain and ashes in my heart I had managed to smile and to keep it, to defeat the pain, instead of thinking of all the bad things that happened to me I need to focus on the good stuff because inside all this injury there is a comfort, there is an ease; a benefit, I have been blind and couldn't see it, I let all my focus on the bad things but it's time to change that, he hurted me and gave me a rare opportunity in the same time, I focused on his word and neglect the gift he gave me, his words didn't change his mind, he still think it's me who should take and receive it and I will in Shaa Allah, it's not every day I receive a scholarship, an opportunity to follow up with my study, his conditions are acceptable so I'm so much going to take it, I don't care what Yousef thinks about it, it's not his life, not his decision to make, surely I should ask for his opinion but I don't want to and I won't, he will only discourage me as always and I won't let him do that nor do I want to share anything with him anymore.
I went to pray Ishaa, I thanked and praised Allah so much, for not giving up on me, staying by my side, keeps on giving me those little shining stars to make my life brighter, all the good things that happened, it was his way to keep me strong, each time I am saddened, he will give me something good to take away my sorrow, to help me to keep moving on, I thanked him for all the things he gave me, hoping that I survived, that I passed the tests he sends me, hoping he's pleased with me.
I put the prayer rug in its place, took off my headscarf, then went to my bedroom, wore my pajama and went to bed, once my head was on the pillow I slept immediately as I haven't in a long time, so peacefully, I felt safe for the first time since the party night.
************************************
I waked up early today, feeling a lot of energy inside of me as I haven't in a long time, after the prayer, I took my breakfast quietly listening to the rain sound, it's the first autumn rain, I can smell from my place the wet dirt, so much I loved it, the sound; the smell, it gives me more energy. I dressed up quickly, wore my black coat, put my red scarf on my head then headed to work.
Busy streets, people walking fast, in all directions, it's already 8O'Clock, unlike usually, I walked slowly under the rain, trying to enjoy it as much as I could, the inner peace and happiness it gave me was unexplainable.
Once I arrived to work, I headed straight to the Clara's office; I had made my mind, perhaps my marriage is in ruin, destroyed, but my work won't be, I won't lose it all, I won't let everything crush in my life and just stare at it.
Strangely today, Clara didn't see me standing in front of her desk, she seems to be very occupied today, her eyes and hands moving fast, yet she is always busy, it's not easy to be the boss's secretary, she has an endless list of things to do perfectly, somehow today, she didn't say a word to me, maybe she is avoiding me but then again I thought why would she do that, it makes no sense.
-Good Morning Busy Bee, I teased her .
-O ! Good Morning darling, I haven't seen you, how are you doing today? She asked
-I'm Good, thanks for asking, how are you ?
-Busy and getting crazy as you can see , she sighed.
-Lol, I hope you won't get crazier than you're, because I don't know if I can handle it, I said not able to hide my wide smile.
She rolled her eyes not believing what she just heard, then replayed:
-Very well, what gave me the honor of seeing you first in the morning ?
-I'm here to replay, you know,...... my decision about the scholarship, I said sounding uncertain.
-Oh, yes, what did you decide?
-I will take it for sure.
This time I was sure and confident, this is what I want and what I need, I won't let anything ruin it, this was a gift and I took it gladly.
-That's great decision, I'm so happy for you , Clara said smiling, I could see in her eyes that she was truly happy for me.
-Am I ....
Then I stopped not knowing if I should continue, ask my question or not, it seemed so hard, to get out the words out of my mouth, but I didn't need to because she replied before I finish the question, when I stopped she knows exactly what I wanted to ask.
-I'm sorry Rahaf, he didn't say a thing about you, this is weird as I have told you, I thought he would come around, but he didn't, I don't know why, what happened between you two? !!
I frowned when I heard her saying between you two, then answered quickly:
-Nothing happened at all.
I stopped to take back my breath, my heart was beating fast after what she said, I never liked him, never wanted to see him, to be in his office but now when I'm not allow to, I want to, I feel bad because of it, I wished to explain to him, I wish to tell him that he can't judge all Muslims women based on me, it's not fair, he can't judge me neither, I have the right to break down, to fall and to just let go, to give up, I'm human being, I am not perfect, I have the right to be weak and I'm weak now and he can't, he can't ever judge me or say what he said, he had no right, I'm not robot like him, I'm human and I'm not a shame to be, I'm sorry if that disappointed him but I'm only a human.
-Rahaf, Hello !!
Clara's hand on my shoulder waked me up and brought back to reality
-I'm fine, I said not knowing if I was trying to assure her or me then I continued : would you tell him thank you, I really appreciate it and will do my best ?
-Of course I will, if he changes his mind which I'm sure he will, I will tell you immediately, okay ?
-Okay, Thank you Clara, I will see you later .
She nodded smiling , after that I went to my desk, it's time to work.
The rest of the day was normal, since Clara was busy today, I took lunch alone, at a restaurant, I took a sandwich as always, watched the rain that hadn't stopped all morning, It's been too long I didn't eat an actual lunch, prepared by my mother, I missed that so much, the smell of food when it's cooked.
The memory brought me back Home, it sound so far away, how much things would have been different if I was home, none of this would happen and even if it did, I wouldn't be alone, I wouldn't stay with him, I would have someone with me, having my back, I wouldn't feel this weak and alone, and he wouldn't get away with it just like that, they would talk to him, make some sense in it and figure out why is he acting like this, If I were home, I wouldn't cry alone, I would have shoulders that will protect me, I wouldn't feel like this. But I'm not Home, I'm not home.
I'm here alone, I have to face it all alone, I have Allah, it's enough for me, when I think about it, every time I feel like I'm so alone, as a stranger who have no one, I remember that I'm not, I remember that Allah won't abandon me, that trust and faith kept me strong on my feet until now and it will always In Shaa Allah.
On my way home, I heard my phone ring, I checked, wondering who it could be and hoping it's a voice from home but it wasn't. It is the text from Clara:
''I told him that you agreed, then he asked me to explain to you what we need and everything which I will tomorrow, he didn't say anything else, even when I send your thanks, he just nodded''
Of course he will just nod, why would he care anyway, he made his mind and I can never change it.
I arrived home tired, I took off my hijab and went to my room to take a nap, I already pried at work, to my surprise, I found Yousef there, laying on the bed, I put my bag in its place then turned to leave the room yet before I could I heard his voice :
-You finally arrived ? His voice was still shaky, still not awake.
-Sorry if I woke up, I didn't mean to.
-It's fine, I was waiting for you then I fell into sleep
My eyes widened, didn't believe what he just said, I was like seriously, what does he wants now from me, why is he waiting and why he's not at work.
-Will you say something or you will just stand there like a statue ? He asked
I didn't reply to that, instead I just stood in my place not knowing what to say or to do.
-Okay, wait me in the living room, I will come in a few.
I nodded quickly then left fast to the living room, I didn't want to stay with him there awake, for too long, the memories, images are still in my head, I just can't forget, and being with him makes things worse.
I went to the living room, sit on the couch, my head was full of questions, that had no answer to me or unpleasant answer, what does he want? What does he wants to talk about now? After all this time, what is it ? is it possible that he wants to divorce me, will he now ? I frowned in my place, I mean I know this marriage is not working but divorce now ? Where will I possibly go now? I have no place to spend the night in, I have no friends exept Clara however I can't stay with her because she is married and have a family, I will have to look for a hotel; a good one that I can afford, it hasn't been long since I begin working so I don't have much money, I am in no state of moving out if I was I would have left him already, wait this is not just moving out, it crash my mind the seriousity of the issue, I mean it's divorce, it's halal but like the worse of halal and really hated thing, I'm only 23 and I will be divorced, and what will my parents think ? surely they will be chock and sad, they would want me to come back home.
-Hmm.
A cough brought me back to reality, Yousef was standing in front of me then went to sit next to me in the coach, when he did, I frowned again, not wanting him anywhere near me, he understood my reaction and went to sit in another coach, he sits there staring at me for what felt like an eternity without saying a word, the questions and thoughts were killing me inside and the fact that he didn't say a thing is not helping, HE SAID HE WANTS TO TALK AND NOW HE'S ALL QUIET, WHAT'S GOING ON ?
-Yousef, say something or I will go .
I broke the silence angrily, I was tired of the questions, of waiting, of him and couldn't take it anymore.
Yet he didn't say a thing, is he a deaf ? I stood and took a step to walk away but before I could take the second one he caught my hand hardly so I couldn't move anymore then finally said in a firm ordering voice:
-Sit please.
He lets go of my hand, which is hurting me now, I turned my face toward him and looked straight into his eyes, mine were so angry and hurt, I bet he would never forget the way I looked at him then I went back to where I was sitting.
-I'm sure you're wondering what I want to say and why I'm here early, he stopped for a while
-Yeah, of course I do, I said sarcastically to myself .
-I realized this morning that it's been some time we haven't seen each other and talked so I decided to change that and I came home early today.
-O.
I didn't know how to replay, this is definitely not what I assumed I will hear, It actually haven't cross my mind at all, since he has never done such a thing, when the surprise effect was over I told myself there must be a reason for it, it didn't just cross his mind, what could be ? Guilt, no way he didn't even apologize or ask me how am I doing , so what's it then ? Maybe he wants to find out if I told someone, a family member, a friend or even the police, umm, it must be this.
-So, what are you planning to cook for dinner ?
-I don't know, I still haven't thought about it. I answered
-Good, then don't prepare anything tonight and have a break, we will order a pizza.
-Alright, I said, trying my best to smile, then I added: Don't forget to order from a Muslim pizzeria.
-Sure thing.
He took his phone from his jean pocket, then ordered us two pizzas, once he hangs out, he turned to me and said :
-You should go to rest , you look tired.
-Ahmm, yes, I will go.
I stood and walked to the bedroom wondering what is the reason behind his nice behavior, what happened, why all this change ? There must be something and I need to know it.
*****************************
I opened my eyes to see him standing next to the bed calling my name 'Rahaf ', "Rahaf, wake up darling " . I turned my face to the opposite side so I won't look at him then groaned.
-Rahaf, the pizza is here, come-on wake up.
-Okay, I'm coming. I finally said.
I waited him to leave the room to wake up and leave the bed, I went to wash my face and hands in the bathroom, then I met him in the dining room, he had already set the table, everything was ready, he was just waiting for me, I told myself "what have I done to earn all this tonight, why am I having a special treatment ? Who knows why? . I went to my place and sit, he served me my part then asked :
-Did you sleep well?
I nodded with my head, didn't feel like saying a word to him yet. He served himself and he started eating, after a while he questioned me :
-How is everything going with you ? Anything new?
Oh, so now he cares and wants to catch up with me, how much time I had tried and he turned me down, now after all what he had done, he wants to talk with me, to just have a nice dinner like any other couple, surely we will pretend nothing happened, and there is nothing wrong, but why now, are not you little late.
Of course, this wasn't my replay instead I said smiling:
-I won a scholarship at work, I am going to be bale to continue my education here in London and have a higher diploma.
His face had changed, he put the slice of pizza on his plate, and just stared at me with a wide eyes, not believing what he had heard, eventually he managed to answer and said :
-That's great, trying to look cheerful and happy yet I didn't buy it then he continued : What's the price, there must be one, and why did they choose you ?
-Well, my salary will be reduced and I will have to work there for five years.
-And You have agreed to this term ? He said angrily looking frustrating
-Yes, why wouldn't I ?!! It's not every day that I receive such a thing.
He shook his head not believing what he heard, he looked pissed off and angry by now and I don't like it, he then stated:
-You didn't answer my other question.
Of course I didn't, in order to not make him angrier I choose to answer his question, hoping he will leave me alone after that
-My boss said I am the one who need it the most, you said yourself that my diploma has no value here.
-And you believed him, can't you see, he is only fooling you, playing with you, he sees you as an idiot weak Muslim woman, an innocent girl who would believe anything he say so he can do with you whatever he wants, can't you see his intentions are not so platonic and good as he wants you to think !!
At this point, I was angry myself too, how could he say such a thing about me, about him, he doesn't even know him to judge him like this and I'm not a stupid girl that can be fooled this easy.
-You don't know him, never met him so how can you conclude such a thing , this is wrong. I said in rage
-And you're defending him too, I see he already fooled you, did you sign the contract ?
-No, not yet, but I already told him that I agree, I answered him trying to be calm as much as I can.
-Well, tomorrow you will tell him that you changed your mind, you won't take a part of this game, I don't like the fact that you will work there for him but we will see for that later.
Woow !! Just Woow! Again he surprised me, astonished me, my beloved husband, he had made his mind and doesn't even care about what I think or want, he thinks that I'm under a spell and can't judge well what's going on.
-Hell Not, I didn't change my mind, I will take it, I have already prayed Salat El Istikhara, after it I had known that this is what I must do, you're making no sense. I said angrily with low tone.
-You heard what I said, You changed your mind and you won't take it .
-"YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO TAKE DECISIONS IN MY PLACE, YOU DON'T GET TO JUST COME AROUND, ACT LIKE YOU DONE NOTHING AND INTERACTED IN MY LIFE, YOU DON'T HAVE THAT RIGHT, IT'S MY LIFE AND I WILL DO AS I WISH. IF YOU WERE TRULY MY HUSBAND, I WOULD HAVE LISTENED TO YOU, TALK TO YOU, YOU WOULD HAVE KNOWN EARLIER, I WOULD HAVE CONSIDERED YOUR OPINION BUT THAT'S NOT THE CASE. " I yelled so loud this time, I couldn't take it anymore, I was already burning in a rage.
He stood from the chair and said calmly trying to control his anger :
-It seems like what happened before didn't teach you a thing, you're really a hopeless woman, unbearable, I will leave now, later we will have another talk about this.
-NOTHING EVER YOU DO , WILL BREAK ME DOWN, I WILL NEVER GIVE UP ON MY DREAMS, I WON'T EVER LET YOU CONTROL MY LIFE EVER, WHAT EVER YOU DO, YOU WON'T KILL ME CAUSE I'M A SURVIVOR.
He looked at me one last time very detailed look before he walked away and left the house without adding a word .
Salam Guys, Hope u're doing well
I was bit out of inspiration in this chapter, it's just a fill one, hope you like it.
I had come out with many titles for it but no one fits better to me then than this one, tell me if i picked well and as you notice i didn't add a photo with it, it's because i want draw something for it, i hope i can make the drawing sooon .
At The end I want to thank everyone who read/ is reading my story, it means a lot to me.
Huggies