"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, but I was just kidding myself
Our every moment, I start to replace
'Cause now that they're gone
all I hear are the words that I needed to say"
~-~-~
"I'm very sorry ma'am..."
I overheard a couple of doctors and looked up.
It was around 10 pm and the taxi driver's family, wife, and kids, were asked to wait outside his room.
"... The last seizure was... Too fatal... I'm afraid that Mr.Wilson couldn't make it..." The doctors bowed their heads in sorrow.
"Ma!"
Danny yelled as his mother began losing consciousness. Both the boys tried to hold her steady but she was too heavy for them. I immediately reached for her shoulders, and so did one of the nurses. We placed her on the metal chairs as Danny and his little brother had teary eyes.
"Please, keep the children away..." One of the doctors turned me as he began checking the woman's pulse.
I wrapped my hands around the boys' waist and pulled them back. "Let me go!" The younger one yelled and tried kicking me. "Don't be stupid," I glared at him. They watched as their mother was taken to a different room. Tears rolled down Danny's cheek by now, "Is she going to die too?" He whimpered. This made even his little brother cry.
I sat down on one of the chairs with Lucy tightly clasped against my chest. Slowly, I let the children go, "Nothing will happen to her."
"But my dad...!" Danny burst out crying.
"I want to see Dad!" Even the younger boy was crying loudly now.
The hospital staff stared at the boys in pity.
Pity.
They could have done better.
"Hey, hey... It's going to be okay..." I held their hands and gently tugged them towards me.
Danny wasted no time in wrapping his arms around my neck and sobbing as hard as he could. Not wanting to leave the little brother alone, I pulled him so that he hugged me as well.
Where the fuck was Jim?
He would know exactly how to calm these children down.
I knew nothing about them, and I felt overwhelmed thinking that Lucy might do the same with a stranger if I were to die one day.
I caressed their heads and gulped the lump in my throat.
What would Chelsea do?
"You still have each other, boys. Your parents need you to be strong for them."
They pulled back a little, breathing heavily with moist cheeks. Lucy began making noises as she reached for the colorful watch around Danny's wrist.
"She's pretty," the younger kid whispered.
"Yeah. Now, I'll go get you some water while you have to make sure she doesn't move around much." I placed my baby on the chair, wrapped in her blanket. "Okay," they nodded and wiped their cheeks.
I bought a bottle of water for the children who were busy watching Lucy suck her fingers. Danny even kept her occupied with his watch.
But it did annoy me to think these boys had taken an interest in my daughter.
"Here," I handed them the bottle. Danny sat on the metal chair beside me as I took Lucy into my arms as it was about time she got hungry. The bottle of baby formula was slightly warm in my pocket and I took it out to feed her.
"What's her name?" Danny asked.
"Lucy."
"And what's yours?" Danny turned to me.
"Mr.Xander."
"I'm Gary," The younger brother told me.
"How old are you kids?" I questioned.
"Eight. Danny's 10."
I was definitely not leaving them alone with Lucy again.
They stayed quiet for a while till I noticed tears rolling down Gary's cheek again. Danny followed soon after.
Getting used to the pain would be a hard process.
***
When Mrs.Wilson regained consciousness, she began bawling her eyes out. The boys tried calming her down while fighting the urge to cry themselves. Their entire family came and took the widow home.
But I became certain of something else.
Chelsea wouldn't make it out.
The seizures had happened less frequently for Mr.Wilson in the beginning, just like how Chelsea was going through them now. Over time, her condition was bound to worsen like his.
Eventually, the blip would die.
I told Jim about Mr.Wilson's death. He was heartbroken knowing that the taxi driver had helped us once when Lucy fell sick. It didn't make sense how genuine people were the only ones being taken away by whoever was up in the clouds.
"I want to go to the funeral."
Jim stared at me in disbelief, turned away, then stared at me again. "I'll take you," he patted my shoulder.
It was to be held the next morning at the Hillside Church. I was disgusted by the idea of even stepping on the so-called holy marble stairs. Jim was religious though, and he courteously drew a cross on his chest.
I barely knew the Wilson family. It didn't make sense why I wanted to attend the funeral in the first place. But my guts told me that Chelsea would want to attend it too.
Once they buried Mr.Wilson's body, the people slowly began dispersing. A few were in tears while the others were discussing how the family would survive now that the only employed man was dead.
Mrs.Wilson was sitting paralyzed at the front. Her hands had tightly gripped the wrists of both boys. Her hair and clothes looked disheveled, even her eyes were bright red.
The boys and their mother looked up on noticing me. She seemed a little surprised. "I didn't mean to intrude," I mumbled.
"No... I-It's fine... Th-Thank you for being there for them..." She caressed the heads of her children. Mr.Wilson was lucky to be loved so deeply by his family.
Even I had been lucky once...
"Thank you for coming, Mr.Xander," she gave me a brittle smile.
***
Jim was with the children and Lucy while I stepped away from the crowd and found a windy spot for myself by the edge of the hill. There were remnants of a brick house and I sat on a broken wall, pulling a cigarette from my pocket.
Once I took a drag, the tension seemed to ease a little. But it wasn't enough.
My heart was restless thinking that my rainbow cupcake might never be kissed by her mother again.
Chelsea must have had so many plans for Lucy in the same way she wanted our wedding to turn out.
Sunsets in Hawaii, making love on a private beach, watching stars from a yacht... She was utterly dreamy.
But now none of it would be possible.
I said I'd never want those things.
"Leonardo?"
I snapped my head at the man dressed in dark clothes, the pastor.
"Mrs.Wilson and your good friend, Jim, told me about you." The man smiled, "I know about your wife."
"Right..." I continued smoking.
He reminded me a lot of how sister Margaret used to be in the beginning.
"Are you trying to kill your lungs because the love of your life is dying?"
"She's not the love of my life," I muttered, "And Chelsea might already be dead. The doctors could be hiding it just to make more money."
"Son-"
"Don't fucking call me that," I snapped and jumped off the wall.
"Leonardo, would you like to pray for a while?" He asked as I was beginning to walk away.
"It's useless."
"God cares about everyone. Especially good men like you."
"Good men, sure," I scoffed under my breath and took another drag of my cigarette.
"You seem to be hurt by something other than this... You can tell me."
I glared at him, "Don't you have other shit to do?"
The pastor smiled, "Helping you is my biggest responsibility now. Do know that God appreciates your efforts, Leonardo. Everyone around you does. I strongly believe that you will be able to love your wife again, soon."
I walked towards Jim. "My doors will always be open for you," the pastor called after me.
Fuck no.
***
"What...?"
I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
Dr.Hudson was grinning ear to ear, and so was Dr.Carter.
"Yes, the brain and vascular functions have shown some improvement. Even though it's not enough, it still gives us hope. The chances of her pulling through this have increased," he told me.
"Even the hysterectomy was successful and there are no surgical complications so far," Dr.Carter smiled.
Finally, after an entire 10 days, there was still hope that I'd get to hear Chelsea ramble again. Not that I preferred it but it did relieve me.
Dr.Carter offered to buy lunch and more baby formula for Lucy. "Relax, I won't charge you," she chuckled and took me to the hospital canteen. The food wasn't bad but it tasted cold. Far worse than what Chelsea cooked.
"I heard you sold the apartment. You could have just taken a loan or talked to me-"
"No," I was firm, "I won't take money from anyone."
She sighed, "Okay... But where do you currently stay?"
"There's an old gym..."
"A gym?" She stared at me wide-eyed, "Where do you sleep?"
"The boxing ring," I muttered.
"And Lucy?"
"She has her cradle," I replied as my daughter began squirming in my arms. She was very reluctant to eat the baby formula at times.
Maybe it was because she missed Chelsea's breasts.
Her round, perfect breasts.
I remembered how sore her nipples were after feeding Lucy.
Hence I took special care to just lick and touch her just in case.
She would moan out loud all the time.
Her eyes would roll to the back of her head.
She'd smile or laugh or kiss me after every round.
Everything about her was beautiful...
"Is it safe there?"
The doc snapped me out of my thoughts and I looked up at her, "Huh? Yeah..."
"Well... You take care of yourself, Mr.Xander," she sighed.
There had been something that I wanted to ask her for a while.
"How much does selling a kidney give?"
She choked on her food, "Are you fucking crazy!"
Nearly all the people turned to us and the doc blushed at the attention.
"You're more dumb than I expected," she muttered.
"I was just asking a question."
"Men," she grumbled and walked off.
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Lyrics: Before You Go by Lewis Capaldi
Last Edited - 06/02/24