Anu
My fingers tap restlessly around the plastic coffee cup. Condensation leaking from the sides of the cup of iced coffee runs through the creases of my palm leaving a sticky residue feeling on my skin. Silence between us had never felt so awkward before. After receiving his flowers this morning, I decided against all protests of my mind, to meet him for lunch.
With his impeccable punctuality, chivalrous mannerisms, and delectable charm Sid is making this supposed date even harder than I anticipated it to be. He arrived at my house just on time, coming to the front door to walk me to his car and complimenting me on how beautiful I looked it. It got much worse when he started driving and I heard the Bollywood songs from the playlist I downloaded onto his phone playing softly from the speakers of his car. Cliché, yes but the way he carried himself with such great confidence and the power his voice held, all of what he did and said sounded genuine and well meant.
Initially, I thought we would be shacked up in some restaurant on the East Side barely getting through the entrees of our lunch before one of us left the table when the date became sour with harsh words and arguing over who's right and who's wrong. What I didn't expect was getting my favorite brew of ice coffee and talking a walk in the park, our park.
Sitting on a small wooden bench sealed to the ground by the growing roots of grass, both of us look straight ahead to the East River streaming by only a few feet from where the grass ends and a small concrete pathway runs along the fencing of the river bank. Warm summer winds tickle my skin as the striking sun blares overhead. Thankfully we're shield by the tall oak tree towering over the bench, offering a cool shade only allowing small streams of light to filter through its thick green lush of leaves.
"How are you?" the deep drawl is low and evidently seductive to my ears as it comes out of plump pink lips.
"You asked me that yesterday," sighing with a soft smile I lean back onto the bench sipping the coffee.
"Thank you for seeing me today," the formality in his voice doesn't go unnoticed. Is this a business venture or retribution for taking our relationship and scuffing it under his feet?
"Don't thank me just yet," I rest the coffee cup on the wooden seat of the bench, shaking my hands of the moisture.
"I thought you deserved a better explanation for the unexpected end of our relationship," he gathers my hand in his, forcing our fingers to intertwine in their familiar form together creating a greater havoc in the pit of my stomach.
"If you brought me here to tell me that it was you not me, you aren't ready for a relationship like this or some overused and cringe-worthy break-up line, I would rather drag across hot coals on my bare ass than listen to it," a small smile tugs at his lips but he bites down the corners of his mouth to keep it in.
"I wouldn't want to insult you like that," his hold on my hand continues to intensify as he strokes his thumb over my knuckles.
"At least you're learning from your mistakes, wouldn't want a repeat of what happened in Naples," he holds his usual booming laughter down, only scuffing a bit at my warnings.
"There isn't anything more that I would want than to be with you right now. I always knew you were it for me, my end all be all. But my life has changed a lot since we first started dating and I can't have a future with you anymore even as much as I would want one, I just can't,"
"What's changed? Is it how you feel about us being together?"
"No, absolutely not. My feelings neither have nor ever will change for you, Anuksha. I don't want to hurt you and that's why I had to let you go," the strong hold of his gaze peers through the soul of my current existence, in a silent cry for help but the stoic man that shields the screaming heart muffles its cries.
"Sidharth, love is NOT being with someone when it's convenient and leaving when things get tough. If something is happening in your life, you know you can tell me; we'll work through it. Every couple goes through rough patches, you don't end a relationship over it,"
"That's the thing though, this isn't about our relationship its something beyond either of our control and I don't have it in me to see what being with me will do to you. I can never do that to you," he shakes his head removing my hand from its grip on his arm.
"When two souls are connected distance, time, pain, none of it matters. You can walk away from me but there's still a part of me that'll always be with you. Love doesn't change, it amplifies and grows stronger come what may, pain, happiness, death or life, it'll be there," my eyes fall to my lap as my fingers tug on the hem of my dress.
"You're right but some types of love are so poisonous it strips away at every bit of light you have in your life and that's what being with me will do to you,"
"If loving you is poison I'll pick a death from consuming it, over living a day without it,"
"I've already picked for you, and I'm choosing to walk away with beautiful memories of a wonderful time together, nothing to stain those moments we shared," I gather the courage to look up from the floral print of my sundress up to his glowing brown eyes. The sun filters through his long lashes bouncing around the deep brown irises of his eyes, a light gleam trickles in his pools of chocolate and for the first time since we've spoken today the raw hurt and pain he's so effortlessly concealed away in the deepest confines of his chest are on full display.
"They were stained from the time you didn't trust me enough to love you through this difficult time in your life. Stains can be removed but wounds leave scars and believe me, the one you left me with is still bleeding,"
"It will stop eventually but if we were to stay together it would bleed you dry. An inflicted wound when you're younger heals faster, but as we age after having endured countless others the body is too exhausted to mend,"
"Sometimes the sacrifice is worth it," I rise from the bench, clearing my throat of the heaviness in my voice. "You know where to find me when you're ready to tell me what's going on. I'm afraid that sometimes the heart wants what it wants and you might have made your worst mistake yet by telling me all of this today," I bend down kissing him lighting on the cheek and stepping away. My eyes linger on our initials engraved on the back of the bench in Sid's bold carving. He catches my trail of vision and turns his head to look at the letters.
We both found the park in his minimalistic appeal very peaceful. It's not too far from Sid's penthouse here in the city. Most of our dates started or ended here and I know it felt right to make our last memory together here but it hurts. Looking around at the tall oaks we walked by countless times, the playground where he fell off the swings, the small field where he played soccer with a little boy, and the bench we claimed as ours, it's a bitter feeling to know we'll never be here together again.
Sid has his pride steeling his backbone and won't let anyone close enough to help him through any difficulty in his life. He's a perfect enigma wrapped in mystery showing the world only what he wants to show it and hiding away the real side of himself. Knowing that much about Sidharth, I wasn't expecting him to open up to me as much as he did and now when he really needed to and didn't it was a bitter reminder of who he really was. Brooding and alone, a wall is more receptive to people's pleads than Sidharth if I'm going to get anywhere with getting the truth out of him I have to strike a sore nerve.
I know I'm in over my head but ever since the start of this summer, it's been one life-altering occasion after another. Practicality and realism were thrown out a long time ago and instead adopted for that cataclysmic feeling exploding in my stomach with impulsiveness being second nature to breathing. I truly did change the way I saw my life, it was anything but what I had planned. No longer was it college, career, conjugal and children it was love, love hard and fast and don't stop until you've got nothing else left to offer. And I'll continue to do that even if in doing so I'm ruining myself.
When the pain feels good. It's like constantly jabbing a sore in your mouth with your tongue or itching a bruise, you know it'll take longer to heal but the pain comes with its own twisted satisfaction. Walking through that park today was one of the worst ideas I could've agreed to. Sid wants nothing to do with me, despite his sorrow eyes and soft voice he never gave me a reason why he broke up with me, all I'm expected to do is move on because he said so. The most detrimental thing I can be doing right now is lying down alone in my bed contemplating whether I was played a fool, and loved someone who faked his way through a relationship or does he truly love me enough to not want what's hurting him to hurt me too?
I slap a pillow over my face screaming into the plush fluffy square. My thoughts are so contradictory I want to slap him and yet at the same time, I would do anything to kiss his delicious lips and have his hands roam my body. I'm so desperate and stupid for yearning after him this much, but what can I say Sidharth Rai is every girl's dream. The absolute definition of tall, dark and handsome. It makes a girl feel special when a man only trusts her enough to tell her things he would never let others know.
Just as my body begins to feel all type of horny with the lust to be taken by the man who evidently doesn't want anything of the sort from me, my door comes flying open and banging against the stopper. I peek out from behind my pillow not ready to stop fantasizing about a day in bed with Sidharth when I see my mother with two large boxes in front of her.
"I need clothes that you don't wear anymore but are in good condition. I'm taking a couple boxes over to the local shelter and orphanage," she tells me already helping herself to pickings from my closet, throwing in the box whatever she deems fit. The pile grows to the size of a small hill and I realize that despite having unlimited shopping credit I still wear the same pieces of clothing over and over again. When the white Walt Disney World comes flying out the closet and landing carelessly on the pile I almost tip over jumping off my bed to retrieve it. Gripping the shirt tightly I run my thumb over the printing.
"The sooner you get rid of things like that the better. It will only hurt you more by holding onto paraphernalia of your relationship," she advises running a nurturing hand over the top of my head.
"I'm keeping it as a souvenir, I want to remember the trip it was fun," I turn towards my bed folding the shirt and patting it as if telling it to stay and not jump into the pile.
"Do you want to talk about it?" maa asks sitting on the edge of my bed covering my hand with her warm palm.
"I don't understand everything was fine. And he tried to explain to me yesterday in these ridiculous riddles that he wasn't good for me,"
"Maybe he's right, maybe you do deserve someone better," she shrugs squeezing my hand.
"Tell me who could be better? Sid is a distinguished person, gets along with everyone in our family, and I can't see myself with anyone else except him," I tell her truthfully.
"All wounds heal, sweetie. The scar to remind us of why we got hurt and to not repeat it but they heal and we move on with life. It will take time, but I know my daughter and she's one strong-willed and brave person. Don't let a ruined relationship hinder you,"
"When you first met papa, did you have this feeling in your gut that he's the one? This man will be the man I spend the rest of my life with," I see the small smile tug at her lips and her eyes shine with that sparkle whenever she talks about dad.
"Yes, I did. But at the time my life was a mess and I ran as far away from your dad as I could go, but I could only run so far before he caught up with me," for a small moment I see the tenderness from her eyes fade into a dark fear and guilt. Growing up we always heard stories of maa and papa together and of papa when he was a kid but maa's childhood has remained an untold story.
"Well, Sidharth is that for me. I truly believe that something is wrong with him and he's not telling me and I won't rest until I get to the bottom of it," I move around the pile heading to the bathroom.
"Sweetie, sometimes not knowing is better than knowing. Ignorance can be a bliss,"
"But it can also be a bitter bitch," I run the facet slashing water on my face and fixing my hair into a messy bun. As I brush I remember the t-shirt on my bed and smile through the foam bubbling in my mouth.
As CEO Sid hosts a company retreat every year to a destination voted on by all employees, from the executive board to the janitorial staff everyone's accommodated for. Toward the end of last month, he invited me along for the retreat where all employees from his main branch here in New York would be. The inner child in me couldn't sustain the excitement of going to Disney World. The last time I had gone was when I was about ten years old.
From the private jet flight there to the five-star hotel and pristine service, it was a beautiful summer getaway. I felt like a literal princess with people waiting at my hands and feet. Everything I needed even things I never vocalized to hotel staff would somehow magically appear in my room. Like the voucher for the spa or the flavored coffee I usually enjoy.
On our first night there, we mixed and mingled with everyone from Rai Consolidated. I couldn't help but notice the shock on people's faces as I was introduced as Sid's girlfriend, which I later found out from Lilith Goldman, wife of CFO Mark Goldman that he had never brought a girlfriend with him on any previous company retreats. Talk about feeling privileged. If I didn't feel special enough after hearing that, the bar was set pretty high when he spoke gloriously of me to his fellow colleagues and board members, each taking time out of their days there to formally welcome me to their family and extend friendship to me.
While Sid isn't too close to the people he works with I could tell how much they loved him as a boss. Many people throughout the trip said really kind things about him. The most popular being he's the type of boss to pull the weight of his company, he gets into every department, sometimes helping the tech guys fix a glitch or revenue fix a problem. It's not that he has to it's really that he chooses to in order to maintain some type of relationship with employees.
Throughout the entire trip, a new light of Sid was opened up to me. Behind his hard exterior, he was truly understanding and compassionate. Employees were afraid to disappoint him but they knew in a time of need he could help and that attitude was seen throughout the entire foundation of the company.
The day we spent in the actual park started out with that bright Florida sun, intense humidity and sticky sunscreen, a detour around the afternoon when it started to rain and a wonderful end to the day with the fireworks presentation. Sid bared with me as I ran up to every Disney character I came across and took pictures with. He had given me the shirt the morning of with my name printed in the Disney font on the back matching his. Although he refused to wear the mouse ears hat he did wear the sorcerer's hat for a picture and even danced with me while wearing the costume of the beast to the theme of Beauty and the Beast in the middle of the gift shop.
Throughout waiting in line for rides or just walking the park he would have an arm around my shoulder sporadically kissing on my head or the back of my hand. While waiting in the lines sometime his hand would drift to my butt as he lowered his mouth closer to my ear whispering compliments or explicit thoughts. We hadn't slept together yet, and while Sid never forced it upon me to make it feel mandatory it did send my inside into frenzy when he would do flirtatious things like that.
The night ended in a happily ever feel with the flamboyant fireworks display and a long, sudden kiss from Sid as we stood watching Tinker bell fly across the middle of the theme park.