This review was done by Nikachu22 for Bluelovesleep's Lost Eden (Book One).
Lost Eden (Book One)
Any main focus: World-building, characters and anything the reviewer finds important.
I will take into account that english isn't your strong suit and have found that so far you're doing well. What I will be touching on is rewording some of the paragraph's/making them more clearer to understand as I found them to be a bit confusing due to word choice.
Your title is simple, and it's nice. I think that, upon first glance, the story has the drawing factor. The cover is really beautiful and it's nice to actually see the characters in the book on the cover (though you recently changed it). A lot of people use pictures that aren't the MC's at all or anyone in the book itself and I've never understood that, but to each their own. I think for your writing, that is a bonus.
What you want to work on is the blurb, but just a little tweaking will help.
Example below
"Where is the Saint?"
These words have grown in question since the Dark Night.
Countries were wiped, and a society of Hunters promised to help humanity against the not-so-new threat.
The ones that survived fought every night, hopes of achieving what they had lost became purpose. Those who escaped found safety in other countries, namely France.
Alexis and Krista are twins who live in Lille, France. Alexis is close to finishing her Hunter training.
Krista is struggling to find her place in the world before their eighteenth birthday. (I'd give some explanation here as to why Krista is struggling. Maybe something happened? Something without telling the story, but again giving the much needed pull to reel in some readers.)
And discover the reason behind her sister's actions - This sentence here could be taken out because unless you add something before this that explains a little about the sister's actions then this right here sounds a bit confusing.
What I'd suggest is something like this- Alexis has been keeping secrets, her movements becoming strange to Krista. Krista's curiosity grows in which she feels she must discover the reason behind her sister's actions.
Then what I'd put here is describe the setting a little bit. Where do they live? The home or maybe something that sets the tone in leading up to this sentence here:
Their safety is put at stake when the first girl of their city goes missing.
The opening: I can see the suspense you have. The building up is great, but some of the text in the first chapter is a bit rushed. I'd slow down on certain things, because here is where you'd want to set the mood and keep the seats high for the rest of the book, thus contiuningly keeping readers on edge. So I'll be taking a few paragraphs and word playing with them to show you what could help harvest the setting a bit.
In the first chapter, The Dark Night-
The family was watching television and then he shook his wifes shoulder but then Krista pulled on his shirt, he pushed her and she hit her head on the table. Her sister then came to comfort her and they both yelled at him in Italian. The mother only reacted when the black cat hissed, smacking her husband.
So, on this part. One of the MC's had suffered physical damage from their father; however, what she is going through is not explained in a way in which we could feel her pain through the reading. It's only being told and that being told is giving the reading a rushed feeling. In moments like these, I'd slow it down just a bit and the only way to actually begin to describe what's happening is by simply putting yourself in your character's shoes. Be there and tell the story by how you would feel. She hits her head. Where is the description of the pain she felt? What was it like? How did she feel towards her father?
Let's build:
Krista leaped forward, grabbed ahold of their father's shirt before her small slender fingers gave the fabric a hard tug. The weight of her frame, enabled her and their fathers frame jolted forward, only to cut his cold steel eyes at the intruder that dared to interrupt his composure. She watched in the building horror, the man that she had come to have disconnection towards, raising broad thick fingers. His palm, though touch of warmth, came to slam at her forehead. Strength governed whether or not she could continue to hang on, as she felt that hand mush her away as a fly on someone's ear. What was she thinking; to receive comfort from a man she still... loved?
The youngest twin lost balance, her heels forced to turn as her left ankle gave out to the force. The stumble took her frame to one side, hands brought up as protection, but the save wasn't enough, because she could see from peripheral, her vision filled with the wooden small dingy coffee table. Before she could fathom it, her head slammed into the corner, piercing the flesh and causing a surge through her skull. A wince drew at thin lips, a yelp for help warranted her sister to come and scoop her up not a moment too soon. Krista had found herself, tightly clutched into the chest of her older sister. Cradled, unable to contain the pain, her crying grew, the tears streaming from clenched eyes. How could she be so wreckless? She had only sought his protection.
Krista didn't know what hurt more, her head or her heart.
Alexis shielded her sister, looking upon their parents in dismay. Her father continued his rampant actions screaming in Italian. They've heard the words before, but it was always scary coming from him. The deep grumble in his voice when he was upset sent a pulse through her. Their mother had been filled with another emotion as she sobbed uncontrollably.
If you could continue to add these types of details within the chapter at crucial parts it'll help the overall rushed feeling. Another scene you could build upon is when the mother had taken damage. She was bitten, but her reaction wasn't felt. She only pulled away from the beast and then kept running. Her family also didn't ask about her injuries nor was she treated as far as I had read. I know that part is an important piece because I see you mentioned earlier that people were turning. At this point I have not read onwards, but I assume that something bad is going to happen.
I saw later that you had changed your cover photo. That's alright, I'll still keep my comment above.
Now onto the chapter titled - The Disapearances
There are a few punctuation mistakes here, especially in the first paragraph. I'd go through and take away the period before the sentences that start with And or But. It shouldn't be there.
The second paragraph is actually really well written with detail that isn't overpowering and at the same time setting the tone. I only assume that the opening and part one was written by two different people because of the difference in wording?
After reading the chapter, I'm going to assume that this is the part that's mentioned in the blurb? The girl that disappeared? If not, then I'm afraid that this chapter is a little confusing. I think the only thing that really helps this is the title of the part itself. I see that she doesn't have a name mentioned so I know that it isn't any of our two MC's, but it is mentioned about her having some kind of heart fluttering moment with a guy suggesting that maybe a little romance is building? But.... Who is she? Is she that significant to the story to receive all of this mention? I think adding a little more detail to what this is can clarify that. The descriptions and the way this chapter is written is beautifully done, it just lacks the understanding of what's going on and how important this scene ties into the story. Is this guy just going around picking people up? What does this interaction do that puts the story in motion? If this chapter was taken out, will the story still float? Is he some sort of monster? I have a lot of questions. I think the mystery here may be past my understanding. It seems like a filler.
I'm trying to put this together. My guess is that the one that got picked up was Elena? I'm not sure, but chapter one may be saying that.
The dreadfulness that's holding Chapter 1 can be felt and I like how you've kept Sophie's attitude consistent. She is captured in that moment and plays it very well, even when all the other characters are surrounding her. Her tears become focus and losing someone can be felt through her details. I like that Tommy tries to help, but he's so innocent, he fails. His awkwardness is very relatable. Character portrayal for those that are not the MC's are written well. I have yet to see any of the twin's personality traits shine, but I'm sure that'll change.
You don't have dialogue leading emotions like so many other writers. It's something that I find rare and often feel I have to comment on. Dialogue does help, but details go a looooong way. Characters are shown in detail through your descriptions. It's felt. That is a really good thing and actually makes me excited to continue reading.
Some of the paragraph's were a little large, which can be overwhelming to some. Thinning them out makes it easier so I'd only suggest that.
There's a lot of grammar/punctuation mistakes throughout the writing which slows the fluidity down. You place periods where they should not belong, cutting off sentences that do not need to be cut off. But is a conjunction and is often used to connect two ideas.
So, when you say.... Mary was someone that claimed she hated milk. But she would always drink the small cartons of strawberry milk from the lunchroom.
I was walking across the street. And a cat decided to walk beside me.
These are written wrong. The periods should not be there. Commas are needed instead before the words but and and.
Overall, you write really well and the atmosphere in the story can be felt in a way that I feel that I'm standing in the story. I think this book should have a lot more reads than what it has. The first chapters are the opening act, so I'd really go heavy on the editing and allow them to put the stamp on what's to be followed.
They stumbled a bit, but as I began to read further the writing picked up. I was amazed at how different the writing was.
Thank you for allowing me to review your book. I only read the first few chapters, and find the actual main chapters after the two openings are a lot better than the opening themselves. That's something you don't want as it could cause people to drop your book upon first reading.
This story makes me want to sit down in a dark room and find out what the twins have in store for us. Plot is flowing and the suspense kills me.