I didn't see Wooyoung for many days. I waited. I waited for him to call. But he never did. Things had changed. Once again I had to face the reality: I was the one that needed him and not the other way around. Almost two weeks had passed before I found again the courage and contacted him. I asked him out for dinner and to my surprise Wooyoung happily accepted. I wanted to take him to a good restaurant, but he refused, he proposed to stay at his place instead and he could have cooked for us.
That night when I knocked on his door with a red rose in my hand I felt really tense but as soon as I saw his smiling face all the tension faded away. He thanked me and invited me in. In two weeks nothing had changed much. The apartment was still small and tidy. The only difference was that the kitchen looked more "lively" than usual: sink and stove were full of plates, pots and pans but still placed in order. An amazing smell was coming from one of the pots.
"Hope you're hungry" he smiled walking back to the stove.
"I'm literally starving, what did you make?"
"Japchae. I hope you don't mind if I cooked the vegetarian versione, beef is just so expensive these days" he pouted "if you're hungry I left a few banchan on the table"
I didn't walk to the table though because my attention was caught by Wooyoung's bedroom. The light was on and I could see the desk unusually messy. I walked in and noticed that many of the open books were from a preparation course for TOEFL and GRE.
"What are you doing in here?" Wooyoung's voice made me turn "Food is ready"
He was leaning on the door, curiously gazing at me. When I didn't move he took a few steps forward.
"Are you planning to leave South Korea?" I asked pointing at the desk.
"Huh?" he looked at me puzzled but when he understood what I was referring to he chuckled "Those books are not mine. Yeosang is taking the exam in a few weeks"
"Yeosang?" I asked, but at soon as the question left my mouth I immediately regretted it.
"I told you I was seeing someone, didn't I?" he lowered his gaze.
"Is he good to you?" my heart ached and I mentally slapped myself for asking more, I really didn't want to know. I could tell he was happy, why would I ask?
"He is" Wooyoung was clearly embarrassed.
"Have you been together fo..."
"Can we stop this, please?" he interrupted me "I feel bad enough already, I don't want to talk about this. Please. The food is getting cold" and he left the room.
We ate in silence, when our plates where almost empty I talked again.
"How long have you been working at that Japanese company?"
"One year, more or less" he answer without meeting my gaze.
"Why did you leave your previous job? I thought you liked it"
"And I thought you liked foreign companies better" he smirked, "this place is good, my colleagues are nice and I like the job. Don't you worry!"
I nodded and stayed silent for a while but I could feel a heavy weight on my conscience. It was clear that he didn't want to tell me about the emails, but I couldn't pretend I didn't know. I took a piece of kimchi from the small bowls in the middle of the table as I spoke.
"It was because of those emails. I know what happened"
He froze and finally raised his gaze, "How do you know?"
"I've been there while I was looking for you and they told me" my voice turned to a whisper, too embarrassed to face him "I was scared something had happened to you"
His hand cupped mine as he called my name, I looked at him. His eyes were shining and he had a sad smile plastered on his face.
"It's all right. Nothing bad had happened, mh?" he kept looking at me to find my approval.
"Why didn't you call me when it happened?" I finally asked. That question had been keeping me awake for many nights.
"Why would I when it was clear that I couldn't keep that job?" his smile turned bitter.
"I could have helped you to find another job, a better one"
His hand left mine and his gaze turned down "You don't have to look out for me, I can perfectly take care of myself, okay? As you can see I found another job, I'm having a good life. I never thought to - I-I didn't starve, all right?" He became suddenly abrupt and nervous.
"I have to tell you something..." I waited fot him to look at me again before I stated: "It was my wife"
He looked shocked for a second before he exclaimed with a high pitched tone "What a bitch! Such a whore you married!"
I didn't know what to answer so I just stayed silent holding his gaze.
A few silent minutes passed before he calmed down and spoke again "It's fine, San. Don't look so beaten up, please. What's important is that I know that it wasn't you"
"You, what?" I almost yelled, "You thought I did that? How could you - I mean, how could I? I thought about you every fucking day! I turned Seoul upside down to find you. I thought you-you..." I still couldn't find the strength to say that horrible thought out loud.
But he probably understood where I was going because in a second his hand was on mine once again. He brought it to his lips and kissed my knuckles with a sweet smile.
"It's okay, Sanie. Nothing bad happened. Sometimes it happens, things look bigger and much more terrible at times but you just have to grit your teeth and leave them behind" he said, "to be honest, this email thing didn't hurt me as much as our breakup did"
Those sad eyes that I knew so well, that attracted me and made me feel like I was burning from the inside, where piercing my heart like knives. I look at him intensely and without even notice I stood up walking to his side of the table. Our hands never leaving one another. I kneeled down in front of him and let my head fall on his thighs.
"I'm so sorry for all the pain I caused you, Woo. I won't hurt you anymore. Say one word and I'll be gone. I'll do everything you'll ask. I'm yours - my heart is still yours" I pleaded, I just wanted to erase that sadness.
He pulled me up and he stood with me, he didn't say a word but closed the distance between us and kissed me. Once again I felt my world crumble under his touch. Just his lips were enough to make my brain go numb. When his fingers brushed the back of my neck pulling our bodies even closer I was sure I was about to collapse. I opened my mouth hungrily asking for more, for everything he was willing to give me. Instead Wooyoung pulled away leaving me breathless and aching.
"Can you stay?" he asked boldly.
"I'll do whatever you want me to, Wooyoung" I replied serious.
"Sleep with me tonight" he blushed and I couldn't help but smile cocky.
I nodded and kissed him again, my tongue slipping through his half open lips with intension. My hands travelled down his back til they reached Wooyoung's ass. I moved my mouth from his lips to his jaw, my breath caressing his skin as I could see goosebumps showing were my lips passed. I stopped at his neck tasting him right under his ear, his most sensitive spot.
"Jump!" I ordered in a commanding whisper.
He moaned softly but obliged. I was quick to hold him up, his legs locking behind my waist as I walked us to his bedroom. I moved his weight on one of my arms only while with the otherone I whiped the desk's surface. Books, pens, papers flying to the ground as I let Wooyoung lean on the now empty table. It didn't take much longer before our clothes were discarded on the ground too.
That night made love many times and each of it left me with a greater need of him. To possess him, not just physically but also in any other way. I was inside of him, holding him, moving him around that small room as I wanted. He had screamed my name as he came multiple times, but I still felt like a huge distance was keeping us apart. I wanted us to be together again and for the first time I was suffering the pain of one-sided love because even if he was nice to me, even if the sex was amazing, I knew Wooyoung didn't love me. He made it clear.
Unlike the other time, I slept at his apartment. During the night it was so cold that I found myself crawling to Wooyoung's naked body and snuggling against his bare chest. We slept in that position through all the night, our bodies colliding perfectly, his even breath lulling me back to sleep every time I woke up. When the morning came he told me he had to go to his office and couldn't be late, I offered him to drive him there and, against all my expectations, he agreed.
"Why don't we go to the Scandinavian house next time? Last night I freezed" I asked while I was driving.
"No" he firmly said.
"But it's your house" I tried.
"I don't want it"
"Do you hate me that much?" I asked hurt.
"I don't hate you"
"Then why don't you want it?"
He smirked, "With 100'000 won you bought my virginity, do you think you can buy my love with a house?"
Anger, pain, guilt, disgust, fear, rage. All those feelings raised from my stomach to my throat making me feel sick. I pushed abruptly on the break and stopped the car. I turned to his direction.
"Get out!" I didn't scream but I was shaking.
Without hesitation he opened his door and climbed out of the car. He didn't turn back and walked on the opposite direction.
My head hit the steering wheel and a broken cry left my mouth.
"I can't do this anymore!"