"Daddy!" I squealed.
My suit case was forgotten, thrown on the airport floor, as I tossed myself into my father's arms. He laughed and lost his footing a bit but caught himself quickly. I didn't care how old I got. I'd always be a daddy's girl.
"I missed you so much!"
"I missed you too sweetheart." he said.
"What about us!" Emilie beamed at me and I went to embrace her tightly.
We both squealed and laughed holding onto each other tight. Emilie and I were best friends until the end. She was my other half no matter what happened. But if I got married I'd be in Angeles and she'd be here...
"I thought that when you came back there would be a tiara on your head." she teased and I swatted her arm playfully.
"Cut it out," but I couldn't hide my smile.
"Well that smile says something must be going on." my father winked at me.
"Daddy!"
He laughed and picked up my suitcase. "Come on. I have a surprise for you."
"Where's Leslie?" I asked and looped my arm through Em's.
She rolled her eyes. "Sick as a pig."
"Don't you mean dog?"
"With the way that girl snorts?"
I laughed.
***
The snow was a blissful reminder of my childhood. I drove down the familiar streets into my neighborhood while daddy and Em talked about something I wasn't paying attention. We drove by my old elementary school and I smiled remembering my years as a child. I pointed to it and turned to tell Will when-
When I remembered he wasn't there.
I dropped my finger and stared at the window. The snow looked like falling glitter from the sky and it was the most beautiful thing in the world.
But what do all the beauties of the world mean if you're not with the one you want to share it with?
I slumped back into my seat and as the cab drove by all the homes I felt myself sinking deeper and deeper. Being home filled me with joy but it felt like a strange joy. It felt like I was coming for a visit or strolling down memory lane. Not actually coming home to live.
What did that mean?
The car came to a stop and I was still in such a daze. I got out without thinking and went to open up the trunk to get my suitcase. When I noticed it was locked I turned to daddy.
"Tell him to open the trunk!"
"We're not staying here." she grinned like she knew something I didn't.
I frowned. "What do you mean?" I asked. "Em, we don't all fit in your house."
She laughed and daddy smiled at her then turned to me. "Not hers. But our own."
I stepped away from the car and didn't understand.
Daddy walked over to me, took my hand, and we walked around the car until we stopped in front of our small run down home. I gasped.
There was a huge for sale sign in the front. Tears started to gather in my eyes but they froze once they hit my cheeks. I turned to my father and the snow caught in his eyelashes.
"Daddy...?"
"I kind of bought a new house." he shrugged. "Oops?"
I covered my mouth with my hand and stared at the place I'd spent the last 17 years of my life in. I'd done everything in this house. MY life was here, but it was a different part of my life. I took a few steps forward until my feet were on the snow covered front lawn.
I looked at my old home and thought to myself. The girl that lived in this house a year ago...was a completely different person. That girl worked as long as 18 hours a day and came home to a dad with a bad limp. She cooked, she cleaned, she worked, she paid bills. She put everyone else's happiness above her own. She never slept and she spent her days collecting daisies from a boy that would never come for her, a boy she never loved in the end.
She was a girl with dreams to become a doctor but knew she never could because money was something that didn't exist. She worked in her best friend's house for years, worked herself to the bone, just so everyone else was happy. Everyone else was happy.
But here.
I looked at the mail box which still had the name Carswell on it. And I just kept crying. I felt so different on the inside and I didn't know if it was the palace to blame or if because...because...
It was just something deep inside of me all along.
I wanted to make people happy but I also want to be happy now. I didn't realize I had laughed until daddy came and squeezed my hand. I smiled and squeezed back. I knew what had to be done. I knew what I was going to do.
Everything was so clear now.
"This is it." I said.
"This is it." he said.
This?
Was it.
***
Dear Will,
I'm sitting in the new kitchen of my new house, while everyone is in the living room celebrating and unpacking. It's a small, modest, cottage like house that I know with just the right amount of paint could become a dream home. I feel obligated to stay with my father and not leave his side as he makes this transition in homes, but I realized something.
He's fine.
But I won't be if I give up my chance to be happy. Doing something that will make me happy doesn't mean I love my father any less than I do it just means that I also love myself.
I don't know what it is, maybe there's some new toxin in the Carolina air that has me thinking this way, but I feel different. I feel so different.
I wonder what you're doing right now. I wish you were here. Daddy keeps bragging about how lovely you and your family were last time he visited. Especially King Amos! I think they really got along.
I'm saying this once and I won't say it again.
I miss you.
I'll see you in a few days, Will.
Alessa.