Once I was inside, I went fast to my room, I wore my pajamas quickly throwing my clothes on the floor, as much I wish if I could throw all the pain, the sadness and anger that I feel away, on the ground. I wiped the few tears in my eyes and went to the bathroom to make wudua and wash my teeth.
I lay down in my bed, holding the Quran so strong in my arm, closed my eyes so hardly and just stay like that for a while, when I felt ready, I opened my eyes, put the Quran on a pillow and begin reading, I didn't choose what to read , I let it to be a random because I know anything I will read will make me feel better .
It's been three hours, I feel so tired, weak, but I can't sleep, I just can't, knowing where he's, with who he is, it's so much different when you doubt something or hear it from actually seeing it with your own eyes, you can't deny it, the image is in your head now, you can't erase it, you know now, the truth is all clear, you can't lie to yourself, all the hope, the tiny hope that I was attached to, the one I couldn't let go is gone now, over for good.
The hope left me to face the reality alone, they were no more lies or excuses, no more me trying, it's not working, it never did, I was only loosing myself in the middle of that and I will no longer do it.
I turned on the sidelight, and just stayed that way, playing my days since I get engaged until now in my head, excitement, happiness, hope, how did I reach this point of despair? I never felt lonely as I did these last weeks, Elhamdu Li Allah, I have known all this time, that even if there is no human , no one with me, that I have Allah with me, that he won't abandon me or forget me, I know I could talk to him, just like I know he had talked to me through the Quran.
They were times when I felt weak, when I needed a human being to talk to, I couldn't tell my mom the truth, how things were between Yousef and me, I always replayed saying it's all great, thank God. Once, she suspected I wasn't well, I tried hard to convince her that she's wrong and I just had a long day, nothing more, her voice were sad, she said I'm your mother, I know you very well, so don't lie or hide things for me but eventually I convinced her that she was wrong, and she just miss so much like I do, I can't tell her the truth, it will only make her upset and worry, she will feel helpless, she wouldn't know what to do since she is far away from me and I don't want that, it's enough that she miss me, I don't want give her more struggle and pain.
The only one who knows is Mira, my bff, but she doesn't know that much, I have only told her that things are not that perfect or great, but it's okay, I didn't want her to be worried and I don't like talking about others at all, especially if that person is my husband, no matter how he is , no matter how he treats me, I don't represent him, I represent myself.
-STILL AWAKE ?? !!
The first things I heard after seeing the door opened.
-Yes, clearly I'm, I couldn't sleep .
He went to the wardrobe without saying a word, grabbed his pajamas, before he closed the wardrobe I said sarcastically :
-Are you going to change here? I mean I'm just your cousin, so you should maybe get out ?
He turned to me looking angry, then said:
-I am So much not going to do this now, I'm tired, Turn off the light now and lets me sleep.
But I was pissed off and angry to just let go and wait for the morning, I know I wouldn't be able to sleep all night, that my anger will torture me inside if I keep it.
"-DO What ? AND WHAT IS LEFT TO BE SAID ? WHAT PART OF ME HAVEN'T YOU BROKEN YET? AND YOU WANT TO SLEEP, WELL GUESS WHAT !! NO ONE WILL SLEEP TONIGHT."
I talked very loud, I couldn't control myself and perhaps I didn't want to .
-Stop Talking loudly, you're making my headache worse.
-OH REALLY !! WHY SHOULD I CARE?? ( Remember how many times I asked you not to because you may wake the neighbors but you never listened )
He threw the pajamas and walked straight to me, his eyes looked full with anger, but I didn't care, I didn't have any fear, it's like I was hypnotized, what more could I lose, what do I have left ?
The next minutes went black, I couldn't see anything, all I could feel was the pain in my bones as he was hitting with his hands so strongly, I couldn't fight back, or push him away, all I could do was hiding my face, my head so it won't be damaged and I wouldn't see anything.
****************************
I waked up in the living room, not able to feel anything, every bone in my body hurt so much, I thought I couldn't move, but I managed to get up from the coach hardly, I looked around me to see myself running , leaving my room, in my way, I hit a side table, the vase on it have fallen and it's broken now on the ground like me. I closed my eyes for minutes to erase all the memories from last night, then I opened them again, went straight to the bathroom, washed and made wudua, then went to pray ElFajr since I didn't wake up today, I prayed and cried so much, seeking for Allah to give me strength , to guide me, help me and forgive my sins.
-Oh Ya Allah ! Without you I'm nothing, no one so please don't leave me, don't abandon me, I have no one but you, I seek no one help but you, show me the way, heal my pain and help to recover.
It took me a long time to find the strength and stood up, but I eventually did, the first thing that came to my mind was the fact that I need to go to the hospital, in case I have a broken bone, I can't deny or ignore it pain, but I have never been in a hospital here, I don't know which one is close, I searched for my phone, though of calling Clara, but it's still early and it's Saturday, should I call her or not ? I stayed like that unable to make a decision for a while, eventually I took my phone :
-Good Morning Rahaf.
-Good morning, sorry to call you this early.
-Oh, It's fine, you don't sound well, is everything okay ?
I sighed, then said: I need to go to the hospital, however, I don't know which one is near.
-Oh My, are you okay ?
-Yes, don't worry , I'm fine, It's nothing.
-All right, we will meet at Harefield Hospital in 30 minutes, is it okay for you ? Can you come alone ?
-Thank you Clara, yet you shouldn't come, I can go on my own
Then I heard her screaming : BABY, I HAVE TO GO NOW, DON'T WAIT ME FOR BREAKFAST AND KEEP AN EYE ON George.
-Oh, Clara, I'm so sorry to bother , I can................
She stopped me and said : Shut Up, don't say that again, we will meet in 30 minutes ?
-Okay, I will see you there.
********************
-Hi
She turned her face, not able to hide her surprise when she saw me
-You Look ............ then she stopped not knowing what to say, I haven't said a thing neither .
She sighed, then said : I'm so glad that I come . Let's walk inside.
While we were walking I finally spoke and said :
-Sorry to ruin your breakfast .
-Don't say that, I can have it tomorrow and after tomorrow. But I can't come with you tomorrow, it will be too late.
-Thank you Clara, I really appreciate it.
At this point, we had reached the front door, we entered, went to the receptionist, she asked us to wait for a while and show us where to sit.
-I noticed that you left early last night, I thought you're not much a party girl and you didn't enjoy it, but never would I guess this.
-Neither did I.
When I haven't added a word for a while , she said :
-It's okay, you don't have to tell me anything.
I nodded, smiling , she understood that I am not ready to talk now, or want to and she was fine with it, I was grateful for that, not everyone understands, some will be upset if you wouldn't tell them, they will just act as if you're ungrateful to them or they would say you don't trust them and stuff like that.
-Lady, it's your turn . Said the nurse.
I walked behind her to the doctor's office, he checked me, asked me questions like who is it ? Is it the first time? And many endless other questions. Lucky me, Clara entered with me, so when he asks a none necessary question or when she feels I'm not very comfortable or upset because of it, she replays to the doctor, object his question, she stopped him many times until he threats her to kick her out and ask her to let him do his job.
Finally , he finished the interrogation and examination, I had nothing broke just bruises that will stick with me for a while as a reminder of what happened, like I could forget, he gave me the prescription, just a couple of cream for my skin, and pain killers. Then he wrote down on paper and ask me to go see the coroner and give it to him.
-You should go to the police too.
-Clara, I don't want from things to go that far, I mean what will I obtain, he will be arrested for a day, then he will walk away and will only cause me more trouble.
-Maybe, if you're planning to stay with him.
I don't actually consider leaving him an option now, I mean, where will I possibly go or do? When I thought my life is finally settled, it's ruined again and in a mess, I will just be patient and wait to see what happen.
The coroner wrote me a report, that I will keep as a proof and hide it in case I will need it in the future, then we went to the pharmacy, to buy the medicines and went home.
-Are you sure you want to go home now ?
-Yes, definitely I want to, don't worry, I will be fine.
-Okay, if you're sure.
Clara didn't leave me for a second all the morning, from the hospital until my home, she walked with me until I reach it.
-I want to invite you in but ......
She smiled and said not letting me finish: It's fine, you need to take a rest and you won't have any with my company.
I smiled back and said : Thank you again Clara, I really need it. To have someone with me, so I won't have to go through it all alone, I am really grateful and lucky.
She came close to me and pulled me in a hug, a quick one so it won't cause me pain then she left.
I walked in the house, it's still as I left it, so quiet, I went to the bedroom, it took me a while to gather my strength and open the door, this room hold a bad memory now, a nightmare that I don't want to see, yet I must open the door and face it, I can't hide forever so I opened the door, looked into the inside without taking any step in, the bed was empty and no sign of him.
I sighed in relief "El Humdu Li Allah" , he is not here, I don't want to see him now, I'm not ready to.
I closed the door and went to the kitchen, prepared a quick meal , so I won't take my medicine on an empty stomach , then I went to take a nap on the coach, when I wake up, I will clean everything Insha Allah.