A Start
I told Ashen Aphelion everything.
From the things I've went through in my own home... The issues that involved him... Why I stopped going to school and why I lost interest being a consistent honor student. Me and Rhysand... How our families fell apart... How I lost a baby and what happened to me after all of that.
I told him about the orphanage... How I've been to Mexico to become a teacher, and how I had this kind of career.
Hindi ko alam kung gaano na katagal lumilipas ang mga oras dahil kanina ko pa hindi ginagalaw ang mga mata ko. I was just staring at my hands on my knees while being an open book to him. I'm not sure how he has been looking at me, and I don't think I want to know. I'm afraid he might look at me differently after this night.
But, I should see it coming. I'm not afraid to tell him any of this from the start... It's just that before I could even utter a word about this, I'm already scared. I'm scared that this might be a mistake. Bringing up the past is a mistake and I should just live in the moment with him. Ayoko lang na magkaroon ng ilangan sa aming dalawa...
"I was... on my seventh month when he cheated. When I found out... it caused me so much stress. The doctors said I had a premature labor and the baby didn't survive..." I shook my head. "Wala na akong may nagawa pa. I left... as soon as I can. I don't want to see the baby's body... I don't want to see Rhysand and his family... I don't want mine to know what had happened to me..."
I heaved a breath. "Napadpad ako sa orphanage. I received a scholarship there with the help of beautiful people. Nagpatuloy ako sa pag-aaral at nakagraduate hanggang sa napadpad ako sa Mexico..." I smiled a bit. "I was a teacher there for a couple of years, but then I studied therapy. I became a Therapist for children eventually... One day, a co-teacher of mine invited me to an event. I didn't knew there would be interviews there... The next thing I know, I was already featured as the artist of the year on magazines... Another interview followed after that, and many more came until I was invited to speak in so many platforms. I was hesitant... But it was a wonderful opportunity. They say young adults look up to me. Because of the money I earn on those events, I started having businesses as well..." Mahina akong napatawa.
But I didn't hear anything from him except for his rough breathing. I stopped talking and slowly look up to him.
Hindi rin siya nakatingin sa akin. He was looking down at his knees as well and his clenched hands on them. Ilang minuto siyang hindi nagsalita hanggang sa napansin na niya ang paghihintay ko. Napahimas siya sa noo niya at napatayo. "Fuck..."
His jaw hardened. He pinched the bridge of his nose before looking straight at me. Matagal niya akong pinagmasdan at umiwas lang ulit ng tingin. "Wait... Let me process everything..."
"I was really hesitant to tell you... Hindi sa hindi kita pinagkakatiwalaan. I've trusted you ever since before... It's just that I'm really ashamed of what happened. I wanted to leave it all behind... But I realized all I've been doing was avoiding it. I thought I was moving on, but I was just keeping myself busy..." I told him. "Ashen, p-please say something..."
I gulped when still, he didn't say a word. His face was completely lost. He placed both of his hands on the edges of the table where the jar was. Naanig ko ang pagkuyom ng mga 'yon.
"You could've..." His voice broke. "You could've just call me, Aria. One phonecall and I'd get you out of that apartment,"
"It wasn't that easy..." I shook my head. "It wasn't."
"How is it not easy? I don't..." Mariin siyang napapikit. His hands went to the side of his face before he looked up as if holding something bach. "I don't understand. Please, help me understand... Why? Why did you let yourself be treated like that? By your family and by him... Why? Why didn't you tell me right away?" He asked, crestfallen, like he's taking all the blame from this.
Napatayo ako at lumapit sa kanya. I reached for his shoulder and tapped him there to ease him down. "Mahirap magdesisyon na alam mong ikasisira iyon ng pamilya mo. I loved my family, Ashen. At kay Rhysand... Buntis ako nung mga panahon na 'yon. I was thinking about the baby. I don't want our daughter to be born without a father... At mahirap. Mahirap siyang iwan..."
"And yet, you lost your child because of that asshole." Ashen muttered angrily. Hindi na ako sumagot pa at patuloy lang siyang pinagmasdan. He breathed in and shut his eyes for seconds. When he opened them again, he looks much calmer now. "I'm sorry you have to go through all of that. I'm sorry I wasn't there... I wish I knew earlier, Aria. If I did, perhaps our lives will be different... Because I would never--"
"Ashen..." I sighed.
"--I would never let that happen to you," dugtong niya.
I looked at him, stunned. "There's nothing you could even if you're there... I was p-pregnant, Ashen. If you got me out of that apartment, what would you do to me? Ni wala kang disenteng trabaho noon... You work in the streets..."
"I don't care if you were pregnant, Aria. You have to get out of there. You have to get out of your misery..." He said and heavily sighed. "What would I do to you? I will let you do what you want, Aria... I will let you do things that would make you happy. At hindi ko naman ikinakahiya ang kung anong meron lang ako noon... It may be small, but it was sustaining." He shut his eyes again and walked away.
Sinundan ko siya sa bintana. His stares lingered outside while lingers on him. Bumuntong hininga ako. "I'm sorry if I just told you now... But I did not regret that I didn't tell you anything before. Kasi kapag may sinabi ako, hindi ka mapupunta sa sitwasyong ito. I'm really sorry... I hope this won't change anything." I said lowly.
He stayed silently. I watched him closely and followed his gaze outside. He's silently staring at the moon. Wala na akong may masabi pa sa kanya ngayon dahil nasabi ko na ang lahat ng gusto kong sabihin. But I could tell from his face, he's starting to calm himself and accept the fact that those were all in the past. He's mad, but he's forcing himself not to. Not for his sake, but because I want it that way.
"You did know that I've loved you, right?"
His question made my eyes water. Pumatak ang isang luha ko sa pisngi. Agad kong inalis iyon at umiwas ng tingin sa kanya. "I-I did..."
"Then, I wanted to know something..."
Naipagtad ako nang iharap niya ako sa kanya. He touched both of my cheeks and dried my tears. He managed to smile before slowly kissing my forehead. "Did you? Even just for a minute or a day, did you felt the same way?"
"Ashen..."
"I want to hear it, Aria. It's okay if you feel nothing now. I just--I never asked before... I just wanted to know if we did had a chance before..." He whispered.
I stared at him. Now I really do see how beautiful he was as a person. Ashen remained as Ashen, but he's so much better now and matured. Ngumiti ako at tumango sa kanya. "Yes. We could have a chance... But, everything's different back then, Ashen."
"But we could've work, don't we?" He asked, but this time, his voice was much sadder. He still has the smile on his face, but it slowly fade when I nodded.
"We could've..." I nodded.
"Then, why did you choose him? I understand that the asshole was your best friend, but why didn't you left him? Why did you still stay with him?" He asked again.
"Because I trusted him, Ashen. I don't know what else to say... I just trusted him too much..." Mahina akong napatawa sa sarili. "Ang gulo, no? Maybe it's for the best that you weren't there. Paniguradong madadawit ka lang sa gulo..."
He still forced a smile.
Both of us stayed silent for a while as if we're both making silent decisions inside our heads. We remained glancing at each other until one of us looked away. Everytime that happens, I would immediately blame myself for causing this tension between us.
"What happens now?" I ask him nervously. "Now that you know everything about me, do you still want to be a part of my life again?"
He just chuckled. "Like I said before, I'm still willing to love you all over again, Aria Solace. Nothing's change..."
Pakiramdam ko nakahinga ako ng maluwag dahil roon. I finally felt the heaviness on my chest drifted. Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili at napayakap sa kanya. He hugged me back and whispered. "Thank you... for trusting me with your story."
After a few minutes of watching the moon, he led me to my bed. I tackled myself in and lied well. Pero nagulat nalang ako nang humiga rin siya. He let me keep the blanket while he just lie down with a single pillow on his arm. Samantalang nasa akin ang tatlo pa.
"Makikitulog lang ako," sambit niya. Natawa nalang ako at hinayaan lang siya. He placed a pillow between us and made sure I'm covered well with the blanket before turning off the lights using the remote on the bedside table.
"What are your plans after Switzerland?" He asked.
That made me smile in an instant. I love how asks me about my plans.
"Actually..." I cleared my throat. "I plan to go back to the Philippines. That is if I already can... and if I've truly moved on this time." Napaangat ako ng tingin sa kanya kahit na hindi ko siya maanig ng maigi. "But if I did, will you come with me?"
"Hmm... You mean, go home?" He murmured. "What do you plan to do there?"
"Many things." I answered. "I want to have an event there. I want to know where my daughter was buried. I plan to see one of my sisters and attend on her graduation day... And if I got the time, I also plan to start again there. I want to buy a land where I can build a house. I actually plan somewhere in urban areas..." I paused when I realized I said too much.
I just heard his chuckles. "Go on. What else? I'm writing them down on planner tomorrow."
I laughed and continued. "I plan to have a long, long vacation there. Visit the orphanage and play with the children. And... I also want to buy a puppy. Since there's a high chance that I could no longer have children, I still want to look after something. Matagal ko na ring gustong bumili simula pa noong bata ako. I want a husky or a german shepherd. And..."
"And?" He teased.
"And write. I plan to write. It's no big deal. I just missed writing about stuff. I used to really enjoy it..." I opened up to him.
"Really? Write about what?"
"I haven't really thought about it yet." I shrugged. Matagal pa bago ko pag-isipan iyon. Besides, I have so much things in-line to do before that.
"Ikaw? Anong plano mo kapag nasa Pilipinas na tayo?"
"I honestly don't have any plans yet, apary from yours of course." He proudly said.
Napahalakhak ako at natahimik nalang. A question formed on my head that made me wonder about what he wants to do a couple years from now. "Do you have plans to get married, Ashen? I mean... you're not getting any younger so..."
He laughed. "Why do you ask so much about my love life, Aria Solace? I'm good being single."
"How could you tell?" Hamon ko.
"I've been single all my life, Hon..." His voice roughened as he answer and slightly chuckled. "I'm not going to get married unless marriage would be a part of your plans."
"Marriage?" Kumunot ang noo ko. I honestly thought I no longer had a chance in marriage. I mean, who would want to a marry a woman who might not conceive anymore? I would just probably end family bloodlines. Sa panahon ngayon, walang may gusto nun.
"I don't have plans, Ashen." I honestly told him.
"It's okay." He silently muttered.
"Do you have anything to do tomorrow night?" He suddenly asked.
"Wala naman. Bakit?" I didn't expect my voice to sounded too excited. It's like I'm already looking forward on something good.
"I'm going ask you out on a date. If it's okay with you... I want to ask you for a chance again." He asked, determined and sincerely.
Mas lumapad pa ang ngiti ko. I may be broken. But I'm still not closing my heart for love. Especially if it's someone I could've once chosen before.
And I know better days are to come.
With Ashen.
"Okay..." I murmured. "Let's start again."
***
-kimsyzygy