I went to the pool.
I wasn't there to practise. I was there to clear my head. There was something meditative about the repetitive action. Cutting through the water. Focusing on my body instead of the thoughts running around my head like a flock of headless chickens. Swimming calmed me.
I needed to be calm. I needed to get the words in my head straight. I had looked at that piece of paper with Tong's name and my desires side by side. Doodled as I listened to the best advice I could ever hope to get.
The fear and anger were still present even after all this time. By refusing to acknowledge them I hadn't done anything to dispel them. Instead, I had pushed them down and convinced myself it wasn't a problem if I was the only one they affected. But they were keeping me from taking the most important step towards what I wanted—forgiveness; and love.
Only when my thoughts were clear and ordered did I step out of the pool.
Not wanting my efforts to go to waste, I made it back to the dorm to clean up before passing my favourite food stall and picking up some breakfast. I knew Tong wouldn't think to get anything more than a cup of coffee if he went straight to his room and I wanted to be prepared to bribe him if that's what it took.
I stood outside his door figuring out my approach. Tossing it out in favour of being myself. I knock firmly. I was about to raise my hand to knock again when I thought to try the door. It opened. Tong was sitting on the edge of his bed like I'd roused him from sleep. I intentionally ignored him and walked past him to put our breakfast on the counter so the hot containers no longer burnt my hands.
I was at a loss again. What did I want to say? Where did I even start?
Turning to look at him I tried to observe him objectively but I couldn't. It wasn't because I couldn't see the tiredness or the way his mouth turned down at the corners or how he often pursed his lips so tight they all but disappeared. It was because everything about him was beautiful to me.
"Why did you leave?" I asked softly, inching towards him because he looked ready to bolt. "I had plans for breakfast."
He was staring at me like I was a mythical sea creature come to life. The way he said my name, like he was testing it for something, made his confusion even clearer.
"Yes...?" I answered just as quietly as him.
"Why are you here?"
"Because you're here...dummy."
It really was that simple. I wanted to be with him wherever he was. That's what mattered most. The clarity felt like a weight off my shoulders and it was easy to serve our breakfast and turn on the kettle with renewed confidence. If I was right and Tong wanted me as much as I wanted him, we were going to figure this out.
A task far easier to accomplish on a full stomach.
"Eat. You used up a lot of energy last night," I said causing him to go into a fit of coughs.
I would have rubbed his back but I was too busy making myself comfortable as close as he would let me. Very pleased when our legs were practically over each other and he didn't baulk. How could he still be embarrassed about our lovemaking? Or perhaps it had more to do with what we'd done the night before.
I made a big show of putting the food in my mouth. Intentionally licking my lips or licking the spoon to remind him. Tong was watching my every action. His breath getting faster and faster as I teased him with my oral prowess. His undivided attention was an aphrodisiac on its own and when I moaned on the next bite it wasn't entirely for show.
"Could you please stop that?" He asked shakily.
"Stop what?" I returned feigning ignorance.
"Pok..."
Did he have to say my name like that—so breathless and wanting?
"Whatever you say!" I agreed and saluted him because there was no way I was going to win in a game with a double-edged sword. Not against Tong. Defeat was easier to take when I could goad him a little. "Just remember, you're the boring one here."
The satisfaction of seeing Tong pout and turn away was the best reminder that I wasn't in this alone. No matter what I feared, he'd stayed with me through it all. So, I let him sit in silence as we finished our breakfast. I took his empty bowl and put it in the sink with mine.
I had stalled for long enough.
Turning back to face Tong, I was trying hard to keep my nerves from showing. Then I realized he was holding his breath. Like he expected me to say or do something to hurt him. I didn't want him thinking like that but I couldn't think of anything to reassure him.
"Why did you leave this morning?" I asked again.
It took him a minute but he eventually stuttered, "I came back to shower and change."
"You could have woken me up. We would have had breakfast together in our room. I would have brought you back here." I explained hoping he understood I didn't care if he left. I just wanted him to feel like we were in this together.
"No," Tong refuted.
"No, what?"
"You can't do this to me and expect me to be okay," Tong said before he walked to the door putting more distance between us. Classic move.
"What am I doing to you?"
I wasn't about to let him put distance between us. Every time he walked away or turned away, he was protecting himself (his warm, gentle and fragile heart). But that was the part of him I wanted the most.
I walked towards him slowly. Taking both his hands in mine. He didn't have to look at me. But he couldn't ignore me. He couldn't act like I wasn't there. Most importantly, he couldn't act like he wasn't there with me.
"I thought...you said..." Tong started but he stopped abruptly, looking anywhere except at me.
"What is troubling you?" I asked leaning sideways to catch his eye only to have him look in the opposite direction. I could feel my frustration rise and I was a bit harsher when I asked, "Why won't you just talk to me?"
"Nothing." That was a lie.
"You should go." I don't even know why he would say that when merely speaking the words out loud cracked his voice.
"Don't you have to...be somewhere else?"
It wasn't the first time he'd suggested I was in the wrong place. Was he being wilful or was I being obtuse? Perhaps he had told me, I just wasn't listening. Choosing to misunderstand him I leaned forward and let my shoulder graze him in a facsimile of a body check.
"Even we get a break from swimming to do our exams. I don't have to be at practice until next week. Four whole days of rest."
I didn't tell him I'd already taken a deep in the pool. I didn't want him to know I was struggling with my decision. Not when I wasn't sure what—if anything—would come of my effort.
"I was thinking of going home for a few days."
The subject change was jarring. The information delivered with the intent to knock me off balance. Success. I didn't want him to go. I didn't want him so far away from me when we hadn't sorted out this thing between us.
"It's such a short break. I was hoping you'd be here to cheer me on," I said hoping to remind him that the main gala was going to be held during the break so it wouldn't disrupt our classes.
I wasn't sure but he seemed to waver. Pressing my advantage, I pulled him closer. I let go of one of his hands in favour of caressing his cheek. His skin was warm and soft under my fingertips. I wanted to kiss him.
I couldn't. I wasn't going to fall back into my habit of using action instead of words. No matter how good it felt. I dropped my hand and looked at him. Gathering my courage and clearing my throat. I tried to smile but I wasn't sure I succeeded.
"Will you stay with me during the holidays as my boyfriend—again!" I said in a rush not wanting the words to get lost before I could say them out loud.
"What?" Not the answer I expected.
"Aren't you seeing someone else?"
What was Tong talking about? The only person I was seeing was him. Did he really think...? The pieces were falling in place. Things he'd said. The way he'd acted around me. He thought I was seeing someone other than him. If there was a misunderstanding I was more than happy to disabuse him of, this would be it.
"Yes..." I said pausing dramatically and watching Tong. He tried to pull out of my hold but I drew him closer and whispered close to his ear, "...I've been seeing you."
"No...not me. Don't you have a boyfriend or girlfriend or...whatever?"
It was hard to fathom how he could believe that but I could tell he wasn't joking. I thought it was funny for as long as it took me to wonder how I was going to convince him otherwise.
"I hope so," I said with false confidence. "I was hoping you would accept me even though..."
I faltered before I could finish. I wanted his so much, I couldn't joke about it. I wanted him to accept me but I didn't want to force him (no matter how tempted I was to tie him to the bed until he gave me the answer I wanted). Did he understand what I was saying?
"I'm sorry, Pok," Tong said.
Breaking me in two with one simple answer.