~ No promises ~
Y/N? I am really worried over here." Mingyu was heard on the other side of the door.
"Leave me alone... Please. I just need a moment. " You raised your voice for Mingyu to hear you. After what happened with Jungkook, you came into the guest room and locked yourself inside.
"It's 1 pm, Y/N. How long are you gonna stay locked in there? Talk to me. Did Jungkook do something? "
You curled up under the blanket like a lost puppy.
"He... doesn't care... " You whispered more to yourself. Of course, Mingyu couldn't hear you.
Flashback
"I only use them for a while. I don't feel anything towards them.
But it's different when it comes to you. If you accept someone, it's because you have feelings for them. "
End of flashback
After he had said that, I was confused. The way he talked was like he was still doing it with people just like at the prison. I had my doubts and had to ask him if, after all, he did sleep with Jennie. I was afraid that he actually lied to me. But his silence cleared everything up. He had indeed lied.
And how should I take that, Jungkook? That it's ok? That you can fuck whoever you want and then come to me, and why not, do the same thing to me as well? What the fuck is wrong with you? You really don't care how I would feel? You don't care about my feelings? Because you know damn well how I feel about you. If you don't, then you are an idiot.
How can you say those sweet things to me? How can you touch me like that after you did it with that girl?
How can you hurt me in this manner? Didn't you think about me at all?
I thought you cared a little. Was I wrong?
A key was heard and in no time the door opened.
You protested in a weak voice before pulling the blanket over your head.
"What did he do? "
Mingyu asked you gently as he placed himself on the bed, close to you.
"I am just tired of trying to understand him. I promised that I will always be there for him. I promised that I will protect him and love him unconditionally.
Then he left, and I understood. I was perfectly fine with other girls as well.
But why is he lying to me? Why is he so sweet and warm with me? Why give me hope if he continues to sleep with anyone who comes in his way?
Am I the same for him? Does he see me as he sees them? Another one who he wants to have sex with?"
"... "
"He should have been honest. I had to deal with both of his sides. I know them so well. Their fears, their weakness, their flaws. I would have understood. But why deceive me? Why pretend? I thought he really cared about me a little. Or was it just me being naive? "
"Was it Jennie? " Mingyu asked, you could feel how his body tensed up next to you.
"..."
"So, it was her... I am so sorry, Y/N. My sister needed help with her daughter. She only has me here in Seoul and she needed to stay somewhere and continue her studies...
And I hoped that somehow it will be good for Jungkook's condition to have someone close to his age around him. I never thought something like this would happen. I never thought of Jennie... "
"It's not your fault. Please... You don't have to explain nor excuse yourself. You can bring whoever you want to your own house. Besides, now I can see how he is acting around people. Now I can finally understand... What I am to him. "
"He doesn't care about Jennie," Mingyu said as he caressed your head through the blanket.
"It doesn't matter. What matters is how he is with me. How he sees me."
"He cares about you more than you think. "
"Then why does he lie to me? Why is he so selfish? "
"He doesn't understand Y/N. You know that he is used to... " Mingyu stopped and you twisted your nose. "And you weren't here, so..." He added.
"I have to evaluate him but he doesn't let me, so you must do it. Maybe this way you will understand what is happening to him. "
"I can't... " You whispered. "I can't look in his eyes anymore. I can't pretend that... "
"Then don't. Do not pretend anymore that everything is alright when, in reality, it's not. "
Still, under the blanket, you searched for Mingyu with your hands. He smiled as you placed your head on his knees.
"Show me a face. "
You shook your head as you dragged yourself closer to him.
Mingyu sighed as he caressed your head gently.
"Did you ask yourself if maybe he is scared he will disappoint you? "
You nodded. "He wanted me to leave. He couldn't look me in the eye and I found it strange.
I guess he felt guilty. But what can I do? "
"Talk to him and reveal to him everything you keep inside. "
"I can't. You don't understand. "
"I think I do. Maybe you are more scared than he is. Isn't that right, Y/N?"
"I can't lose myself. I just can't. "
"What are you saying? You are the bravest and strongest person I have ever seen. "
You shook your head. "I am not. It seems like that but on the inside, I am not. Every time he talks to me smiles at me or touches me, I feel how I am losing myself entirely. I am scared that I would accept everything he would do to me. I am scared that I will step over my boundaries. And then what? What will I become? What about my pride? I can't let myself step on. Even if we are talking about him. This isn't life. It's madness. Sickness. "
Then you added.
"Keep her away from me. If she will try to provoke me again, I swear I will not back off. I will hurt her. "
"Lonely? " Was the first thing Jennie asked as she entered Jungkook's room.
Jungkook was lying on his bed as he stared lost at the ceiling above his head.
"Get out. " He whispered.
"Don't you feel relieved that that girl will leave soon? "
Jungkook turned his head and looked at her.
"I mean, you are aware that she will eventually leave, right? There's nothing here for her to stay. " Jennie smiled seductively as she approached his bed.
"Get out. "Jungkook whispered.
"Why? Did you forget how amazing we felt in each other's company? " Jennie placed one knee on the bed before straddling Jungkook's lower body.
His eyes narrowed.
"Or should I remind you? " She whispered into his ear before licking his earlobe.
"I want you. She doesn't. Don't you want to be with someone who truly wants you? "
Jungkook closed his eyes tightly as his chest constricted in pain.
You were still under the blanket on Mingyu's knees when Jungkook entered the room. Mingyu was aware of his presence but you weren't. He could hear your sniffs and see Mingyu shoving a tissue under the blanket. You grabbed it and curled up in a ball on his knees and cried, struggling to not make any kind of noises.
"And I still can't bring myself to hate him. How could I? No matter what he will do, I would forgive him so easily."
Jungkook's eyes saddened, chest heavy seeing you in that condition. He was so sure that you would never break and that you would never show any weakness. But he was the one who slowly succeeded to destroy you. Who took your joy away. Who made you cry. He was the one doing all of that.
Jungkook bit his lips painfully as he made a step backward, then turning around, he ran away.
Mingyu kissed your head. "I will be right back," he said to you before leaving after Jungkook.
"What are you doing? Mingyu asked Jungkook as soon as he reached him and grabbed his arm.
" Wouldn't it be better to talk to her and apologize rather than running away? "
"Let me go!"Jungkook yelled at Mingyu as he pushed him away.
" Damn it, Jungkook. Talk to her. She will understand. Just be honest and..."
"Didn't you see her? How should I fix that? " Jungkook glared at Mingyu, tears threatening to leave his eyes. "What is done is done. I can't take anything back. I can't turn back time. And even if I could, this is how I am. From now on I will be making the same stupid mistakes. There's no guarantee that I will not hurt her from now on as well. Look at me. Look how... broken I am. I don't even know who the fuck I am. With her, I thought that I knew. But without her, look how I am losing myself. How low I can get.
And I am tired. I am tired of being afraid to disappoint. Because this is what I am doing every time. I disappoint with my stupid existence. " Jungkook covered his face with his trembling hands.
"Why did you sleep with Jennie, Jungkook? It was necessary to do all that? "
"She was there. " Jungkook raised his voice.
Mingyu raised his eyebrows in disbelief. "That's your explanation? "
"She wasn't here anymore. Y/N wasn't here. And I couldn't erase those stupid moments with her from my mind. Her stupid voice and her annoying touches. I had to get rid of it all. I had to stop thinking about her. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't focus on anything else because of her annoying presence that... " Jungkook stopped and bit his lip.
"...you missed so much?" Mingyu continued in his place. "It hurt so much that you wanted to stop the pain?"
His eyes darkened as he stared back at Mingyu. "I thought I would never see her again. I had to try and move on. So why not fuck whoever I want? After all, between her and I... nothing happened. After all, there were no promises made. "
Mingyu narrowed his eyes at that.
" No promises? Do you know that there are no promises needed when you care about someone?
From what I know, she cares a lot about you. And you? It's so obvious how much you love her, Jungkook. "
"Love her?" Jungkook let out a bitter laugh. "Do you really believe that I can love anyone? That I am capable of something like that? What the fuck is wrong with you people? What love? What the fuck is that even? Are you referring to that thing I did to Jennie? Or at that thing, they, invoked to get close to me? "
"No. I am referring to that thing she has given you all this time. Did she seem fake to you all this time? She has ever asked you something in return? All that she wanted, Jungkook, was for you to be happy and respect her. That is all she wanted. "
"Yes. That was all. Because she is so damn annoyingly perfect. Because she will not, even in million years, be able to hurt someone. Because she... Isn't me.
Do you know how this feels? To be stuck and never be able to evolve as a person? To have no idea what is good or bad, nor what path to walk on? To have so many frustrations accumulated and hate towards people? To ask yourself: why me? Why me from all those people? Why am I the abnormal one? Why does it have to be me? "
"I can't stay near her. I can't. Because I will ask for more. Because I will do anything it takes to make her mine, and then I will break her again."