Sacrifices
"Aria..."
Tumalikod na ako mula kay Rhysand. I clutched my head when my vision started to spin. I tried my best to hold onto something so I could walk properly away from him.
"Aria... I'm sorry," he whispered from behind. "I promise I'll get us through this. Aayusin ko... Aayusin ko ang lahat. I'll take care of the baby... I'll work hard f-for us... Ako ang kakausap sa mga pamilya natin. Aria, just don't leave please?"
I shook my head. "Ano sa tingin mo ang sasabihin nila? Sa ating dalawa, mas malaki ang magiging galit nila sakin, Rhy. Dahil ako ang babae... Dahil ako lang naman ang nakitira sa apartment mo..." I faintly laughed. "It's no use. They won't help us anyway."
"My parents will. Kailangan lang nating ipaliwanag sa kanila--"
"No, Rhysand. They will support you. Not me." I muttered firmly. "Ayokong dumating sa punto na aakuin ng mga magulang mo ang anak ko. Or maybe they'll do worse,"
"They won't do that..." he said that he almost sounded like pleading. "They will take care of the baby..."
"You don't get to tell me what they are capable of doing. Of all people Rhysand, I know what it was like to be mistreated and hated. Walang may gusto sa batang magiging dahilan ng kahihiyan..." Sambit ko. "So, please... Don't make me do something I don't want to do."
Nagpatuloy sa pag-ikot ang paningin ko.
"Aria?"
Kusang bumigay ang katawan ko. I felt his arms around me in an instant. He sat me down on the chair and kneeled in front of me. Marahan niyang hinawakan ang mga pisngi ko. "Aria? Do you need anything?"
"Naaantok ako..."
"Gusto mo bang dalhin kita sa kwarto mo?"
Napatango ako. "Leren... Si Leren at si mama niya. I... I don't know what to do, Rhy. I don't know where to start with this..." I eyed my stomach. Mabilis kong binawi ang tingin ko roon at sinapo ang noo ko. My head's now spinning. It really hurts...
Rhysand carried me so easily at one grab. Agad siyang naglakad paakyat sa hagdan. Tuluyan na akong natangay ng antok sa braso niya. Naramdaman ko ang paglapag niya sakin sa higaan ko pero hindi ko na nagawang magmulat pa. I'm just so tired... Too tired of everything...
"Anong nangyari?" I heard Leren's mother asked. "She looks paler now..."
"She... collapsed," Rhysand answered with his breathing raced.
"She's stressed out, isn't she?" Boses ni Leren.
Naramdaman ko ang dalawang pares ng mga kamay na sinasapo ang mukha ko. My consciousness didn't last longer after that. Her hand started to brush my hair which made me feel more restful.
"Yes, she is. She needs antibiotics--"
The last thing I remember was Rhysand's hand on mine before I completely lost it. A part of me hoped to not wake up again, but I thought of my child and Rhysand. And before I even knew it, I was already dreaming of them. Chances and new beginnings just like Leren's mother said... With the two of them, I would have a family again.
--
Nagising nang namumugto ang mga mata. Something hurt in my wrist that I immediately noticed. Napatingin ako sa kamay ko at doon nalang nakita ang maliit na tube na nakaangot sa kamay ko. Sinundan ko iyon ng tingin at nakita ang bag ng dextrose sa uluhan ko. I sighed and tried to get up.
May kamay na agad na humila lang sakin pabalik. I look at the person sitting next to my bed. The moonbeam reflecting on his face as leaned down to me. Kagaya ko ay bakas rin ang pagod sa kanyang mga mata... But what surprised me more was his tears.
He clutched my hand with both of his hands and brought to his lips. My head was still a bit foggy, pero ramdam ko ang tahimik na pag-iyak niya lang sa likod ng mga kamay namin. Suminghap at agad na humarap sa kanya.
"Rhysand..."
"No..." He shook his head, still avoiding to look at me. Napabuntong hininga ako at inabot na mismo ang mukha niya. I made him look at me. But his stare only lasted for seconds before he went closer to me. Humugot ng malalim na hininga nang nagtama ang mga labi namin.
He kissed me slowly as if pouring his attention there. I felt his hand on my cheek as well. His lips moved upward. From my lips, he began tracing my cheek as well, to my nose, and then to the side of my head. I gasped when I felt a tear from his eyes dropped on my cheek.
"Stop crying..." I whispered to him. "M-May nangyari ba, Rhysand?"
"No... Nothing happened," he murmured. "It's just that I realized how much I messed up. I should never have insisted you... I wished I supported you more than you support me. And that maybe we should've stayed as friends only..."
Umiling-iling ako. "I didn't regret loving you back, Rhysand,"
"I would never regret loving you too, Aria. I just thought that maybe I should've waited a little longer... Dapat hinayaan ko munang makagraduate tayo. But I guess I was too afraid that maybe one day, we'd no longer see each other, or you would be far away from me. The thought of us separating has always been my weakness, Aria..."
"Rhy..." Napaiwas ako ng tingin. Alam niyang may plano na talaga akong umalis noon. I wanted to teach from one place to another. That requires separation from him and my family.
Pero kasi, iyon yung pangarap ko...
"I want us to keep each other so bad," he whispered. Humigpit ang hawak niya sa kamay ko. "Between the two of us, I was never the strong one, Aria. I don't have to strength to let go or to push you away for the better. I could never tolerate or understand your family no matter how you try to defend them. I just don't give a fuck. Hindi ko alam..." He shook his head. "I just lost the ability to understand people. I lost the strength to give a damn about anyone if they weren't you..."
He pressed forehead against mine and close his eyes. "Nanghihina ako pagdating sayo,"
"Rhysand..." I gulped and sat up straight. Hinarap ko siya at hinigpitan rin ang hawak sa kamay niya. "You're becoming really selfish. Y-You don't have to love me in that way... We don't have to be like that, Rhy..."
"Darating talaga ang panahon na kinakailangan nating maghiwalay. You'll become the pilot of you dreams, and I'll be so proud of. Pero hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon ay nasa tabi mo ako... I also have plans with what to do with my life." I sighed. Pinasadahan ko ng tingin ang jar ko sa likuran niya. Nakapatong lang iyon sa isang kabinet ko. It was almost full...
Mas nalaman ko pa ang halaga nito ngayon. It's important to store memories because at times like these, when you could find no reason to be happy anymore, at least you get to see the jar at its fullest. You would remember that you listed more than a hundred notes from your happiest times, and that should be enough reason for you to smile again.
I smiled at Rhysand. "But we have to get through this first," tinuro ko ang tiyan ko. "Kailangan nating matuto kung paano natin malalampasan ito ng walang gulo... I think we need to distance ourselves from anyone starting today."
He stilled for a while. Napayuko siya na tila ba may iniisip bago sinalubong ulit ang tingin ko.
"Then run away with me," he suddenly come up with.
"Rhysand, ayan ka na naman, eh..." Saad ko at umiling sa kanya. "Huwag ka namang mag-isip ng ganyan ng basta-basta nalang. I'm only 19... You grew up in a privileged family. Hindi ako sigurado kung makakayanan mo ba ang buhay na kaunti lang 'yung pinagkukunan ng pera. A-Ayoko ring huminto ka sa pag-aaral... Sobrang tagal mong pinagharapan ang pag-aaral and you've come so far now. Tapos ano? Tatapon mo nalang iyon ng ganun nalang?"
"Rhysand, listen..." I leaned closer to him. "Ilang taon na tayong nasa tabi ng isa't isa. I've seen how you work hard every day... I already witnessed one of your flights... I couldn't just let you--"
He cupped my face. He silently caressed my cheeks and kissed my forehead. Pinagsandal niya ang mga noo namin bago nagsalita.
"You listen to me too, Aria. One of us needs to make sacrifices... And it's not going to be you." He kissed the tip of my nose and shut his eyes. "Like what you said... You can't handle this. Pero alam kong kakayanin ko para sa atin, Ri..."
Slowly, he pulled my waist closer to him and gently kissed the side of my head. "You just have to trust me. I promise, I'll make it work."
I stared at his eyes. At this point, I'm completely torn. Gustong-gusto kong magtiwala sa kanya pero may parte na sa aking nagsasabi na tama na. Ayoko ng umasa lang sa kanya. I feel like I've been relying on him so much... But is there anything else I can do now? I don't have my own money... I have nothing but him.
"W-Where would we go?"
"Gusto mo bang sa apartment ulit? Or I could buy another one if you like... Somewhere far from here..." He offered.
Napailing ako. "Huwag ka ng gumasto pa. We'd stick to the apartment. Lumipat lang tayo ng kwarto. Would that be okay?"
He nodded. "Anything you want."
"Thank you..."
Nangibabaw ang katahimikan sa aming dalawa. I let him lie down beside me so he could rest too. Both of us stared at the window near my bed where the moon is visible. Pinaabot ko rin sa kanya ang jar ko. I placed it beside to read a few moments we had before. Kahit papaano ay pinapagaan ng mga ito ang loob ko.
"The moon is beautiful, isn't it?" Rhysand muttered quietly all of a sudden. Napaangat ang tingin ko sa kanya bago napabaling sa bintana.
"It is," I answered then look up to him again. But he wasn't looking at the moon anymore. He was just staring intently at me.
"Kamusta si Tito Santi?" Tanong ko.
"He's... not well. He doesn't like being in jail. Uuwi rin si kuya... He said he'll try to bail him out," sagot niya at napabuntong-hininga. "How about your father? What happened to him?"
"I don't know..." I silently muttered. "Hindi ako nakapunta sa hospital. Wala ring alam si Manang Liz sa nangyayari doon. Tinatawagan lang siya ni mama tuwing mangangamusta siya kay Dian," dugtong ko.
"I'm sorry," he whispered and brought our hands together to his chest. "Do you want to visit him?"
Matagal bago ako nakasagot sa kanya.
"Not now..."
He nodded and shut his eyes. He leaned closer to me and buried his face on my shoulder. His other arm placed graspingly on my waist. Napakagat ako sa ibabang labi at napapikit nalang rin. Minutes passed before I decided to open my eyes again and look at him. I can't sleep anymore...
Dahan-dahan kong inalis ang kamay niya sa bewang ko at tumayo. His eyes immediately opened. His brows furrowed while watching me and sat down as well. "Where are you going?" He asked, confused.
"Mag-iimpake," I coldly said and went to my drawers. Walang gana kong nilabas lahat ng gamit ko na nandun. Nilabas ko rin pati ang laptop ko at ilang mga libro. Ngayon pa lang alam ko ng kailangan ko ng tumigil. I have to stop going to school, maybe for a year or two... Or maybe more. I don't know. I had no chance in passing this year anyway.
I just hope Rhysand won't do the same.
"Let me help you." He got up and took my clothes. May kinuha siya sa isa sa mga drawers ko. I stilled when he saw my schoolbag. He glanced at me and placed the bag on the bed as well. "I'm sure you'll need to take this," tukoy niya sa bag ko.
"Just the bag. Diyan mo nalang lagay yung mga damit..."
"But you have notebooks here, Aria," he insisted.
"Iwan mo nalang lahat diyan," malamig na sagot ko.
"But--"
"I won't be needing them anyway, Rhysand." I forced a laugh out. Hindi ko nalang siya tinignan pa at nagpatuloy sa paglalabas ng mga gamit.
"Aria..."
"There's nothing we can do," I tried to smile at him. "Hindi ko kayang pumasok sa eskwelahan ng buntis, Rhysand. I couldn't even pass my grades now so there's no reason for me to be there. This is the truth I have to face..." Tumango-tango ako sa kanya. "Pero ikaw, pwede pa. So please... do it for me."
***
-kimsyzygy