Time was running out. There was no denying it, but a new era was coming. An era where Emma had to go home with the rest of the crew.
It was too hard to wrap her mind around it, her mind was refusing it.
That life she had forgotten a long time ago was quickly approaching and she didn't know how to feel about it. All she knew was that it felt surreal, and she didn't want to analyze what it ment.
Tae tried to stay strong for her, but also for himself. He tried to be realistic, but his heart wouldn't let him, it hurt too much to watch her slowly slip away from him. There was nothing left he could do.
She looked perfect in his sheets, like she belonged there. There wasn't a time in his mind when she wasn't a part of him, of them.
Her big eyes looked like deep oceans staring back at him, from where she was laying on her stomach, resting her head comfortably on her arm, playing with his hair with her other softly, lovingly.
"I'm going to miss you more than life", he said gazing into her soulful eyes.
"I know. I will miss you too", she replied with a slight smile filled with sadness.
"Don't forget me....please", he plead desperately.
She lift her head and looked at him intensely.
"Tae...how could I ever forget you? You are a part of me, you are impossible to forget. And most importantly; I don't want to forget you. Why would I?", she said, confused that he would even say such a thing.
"I know but still...time does unpredictable things to us", he continued. "In you I found what was missing in my life. I wasn't looking for you, but our paths must have been destined to cross. I'm grateful".
"I know. To say I love you is not enough. I never felt like this in my life. I hope you know that", she replied. "You are just pure magic and I'm lucky to have met you, borrowed you for some time".
He kissed her softly, holding her tight. He tried to wrap his head and heart around how to let go of her. It seemed impossible. He didn't want to live without her presence, without the way she made him feel.
"I don't know how to let you go tomorrow. I really don't...I need time to stop right now", he said quietly as a silent tear streamed down his cheek and he turned to his back, grabbing his hair in frustration.
Emma bit her lower lip to stop it from trembling, a thick lump forming in her throat. She couldn't handle watching him cry. Someone as strong as him seemed broken and tiny right now in her presence. All his walls were down and he mourned.
"I don't have the answer to that...I don't know how to do it either", she answered and cuddled as close to him as possible, resting her head on his chest.
His body trembled as he cried silently holding her. Her tears streamed down her face, gathering in a pool on his chest.
This was the hardest thing she had ever done and there just was not enough time left. Her gut turned, her chest felt tight. She wanted to escape the situation but at the same time grab onto every second she had left with him.
The theme of this last night was tears and intimacy, holding each other, mourning together for what was about to emerge. There wasn't much sleeping.
In the morning Tae watched Emma gather her last things and close her bag. He tried his hardest not to cry anymore, to stay strong.
It took everything he had, it was torture.
She wasn't as capable as him, her emotions showed on her face, in her body language. Her eyes were red and swollen, hollow. Her restless phasing in the apartment a way to deal with her anxiety. Every now and then she burst out in tears, gasping for air, not knowing what to do with her self.
"Are you ready ?", he finally asked.
The time had come.
She shook her head desperately as he approached her. She took a few steps back as if she tried to escape him, like that would help in this situation to prevent the obvious.
She had to leave.
"Hey...", he said as he pulled her shaking body in for a hug, trying his hardest to resolve the lump in his chest and throat. "It's going to be okay".
"It's not", she sniffled. "How will I live without you?".
"You don't have to. I'm just a call or text away", he replied, trying to give her something to hold on to.
"It's not the same....", she replied, her voice breaking.
"I know...but it's what we have for now", he said calmly.
He grabbed her face in his palms, wiping away her tears, kissing her softly, tasting her salty tears.
"Deep breaths baby, you will be okay", he continued, trying to get her ready for departure. "We have to go, the others are waiting for you downstairs".
He grabbed her hand in his and her bag in the other, leading her to the elevator. It was the longest walk of his life.
Her shaky breaths and whimpers filled the elevator on the way down, him staring into the wall firmly to keep it together.
The doors opened revealing Namjoon standing outside waiting for them, ready to grab her bags.
"Hey man. Emma are you ready?", Namjoon said, observing the fragile state of his friend.
"Give me a moment, please", she replied.
He nodded and walked to the car, leaving the two of them alone for the last moments.
Tae's arms wrapped around her tightly again. He had no words left, there was nothing he could say to make her feel better, to comfort her. She felt the same pain as him, the same surreal thoughts.
"It is time for you to go...", he whispered. "Please take care and call me. Promise me that?", he said, his voice breaking this time. "I love you, forever".
Her arms let go of him in slow motion, her teary eyes meeting his.
"I promise, promise me the same", she whispered and got on her toes for the last time to kiss his lips.
There was nothing left to say or do. She walked away slowly, turning back to get one last look of someone she would always consider the love of her life.
He watched her get into the car, Namjoon greeting her as the door closed.
He couldn't comprehend what was happening, watching the black van role away slowly from his building. His eyes followed it as long as they could before he finally broke down and cried like a child on his way back up to his apartment. His heart shattered into a million pieces, her taking every piece with her. It felt like something had died, and he had no idea how to recover from that. All he felt was deep sorrow and a unfillable emptiness.
The car ride to the airport was a tough one. Every mile further away from him felt like going against everything she believed in. The tears wouldn't stop streaming down her cheeks, Namjoon doing his best to comfort her.
They met up with Suga and Vanessa in a coffee shop at the airport, waiting for their departure. The other chatted loudly and cheerfully as usual, but Emma was quiet. All she felt was sadness and her tears seemed endless. How do you continue to live when it feels like your heart has been ripped out of its chest? When grief overpowers you with all its force.
She followed the rest of them through the gate and into the aircraft, still not saying a word, still crying silently, feeling hollow. Her eyes watched LA disappear as they finally took of into the night, towards home in Seoul. Or at least what used to be home. For her it felt like she was leaving home towards the unknown.
She should be excited like the others about going home. But listening to them talk about what they would eat and do as soon as they landed just made her sick to her stomach. She would have done anything to just not go home right now. It didn't feel like home. Home was Tae.
She finally managed to fall asleep with a little help from medication. Her mind was running wild even in her dreams.
She woke up to a silent aircraft early in the morning to find Namjoon awake, eating his breakfast next to her.
"Good morning, did you sleep okay?", he asked, observing her with a concerned look in his eyes.
She nodded.
"I slept at least...that's good enough", she replied in a depressed tone .
"You finally stopped crying", he said, still looking concerned.
"I guess so...", she said and grabbed a piece of bread from his plate.
"So...what's your plan? We are approaching Seoul as we speak", he continued.
Emma looked out of the window and sighed deeply.
"I don't know...I really don't. Why am I like this...I should know damn it", she replied, still staring out of the window.
"What are you going to tell Jin?", he asked straight out.
"I don't know...", she answered again.
"A few words of advice?", he offered.
"Sure", she replied and looked at him curiously.
"When we land in a little while I suggest that you get yourself together. He can't see you this messed up. Put on your best performance face and go on with your life for now. Until you figure things out", he replied.
Emma thought about it. Maybe he was right. Jin surely was expecting for it to take some time for her to adjust back to her life here. No need for panic before she had a little time to think, to sort her thoughts, to gain some perspective.
She nodded looking at Namjoon as the plane landed safely.
"Ready?", he asked as they stood up and walked through the aisle towards the gate.
"As ready as I'll ever be", Emma answered, following him tightly.
She grabbed her bags and walked towards the exit with her heart beating out of her chest.
One last deep breath, you got this, showtime, she convinced herself before the doors opened and she was greeted by Jin's smile and a warm hug.
"Welcome home baby girl. I missed you".