Heartbeat
Lumipas ang tatlong linggo na mag-isa lang ako sa bahay.
I had no where else to go. No one else be with except from Manang Liz and Dian. Sila lang ang natira rito sa bahay simula noong dinala si papa hospital. Hindi pa rin sila nakakauwi hanggang ngayon, kahit sina Calli at Bea. I had no idea where are they staying, and so as Rhysand and his family.
They never got home too.
When I entered our house, I didn’t missed home because I realized it never felt like one. I didn’t missed my room, our garden, the expensive collections my parents used to buy. I didn’t missed anything… Without my sisters here, I really had no reason to stay.
Hindi ko alam kung sinasadya ng mga magulang ko ito. Na hindi muna sila uuwi dahil alam nilang nandito pa ako, or things might have gone worse in the hospital. I don’t know. Gusto kong malaman… gusto ko silang sundan, but I know I am the last person they wanted to see right now. I don’t want to cause any trouble anymore after what happened.
And I’m too tired… so tired that I didn’t to school or anywhere again.
Hindi ko rin matawagan si Rhysand. Naiwan ko ang phone ko sa apartment niya at ilang mga gamit ko roon. Sigurado rin akong naiwan rin niya ang mga gamit niya roon. I would’ve go back there if only I have money. Pero wala… Hindi ko na rin kayang lakarin pa iyon dahil masyadong malayo.
“Hija?”
Naalis ang tingin ko sa natutulog na si Dian at napabaling kay Manang Liz. I smiled at her and arranged Dian properly inside her crib before standing up. “Bakit po, Manang? Kailangan niyo po ba ng tulong sa pagluluto?”
Napangiti siya bago mahinang umiling. “Wala akong kailangang gawin mo, hija…” mahina niyang tugon. “Sasabihin ko lang sana sayo na aalis na kami mamaya…”
I slowly nodded at her. My mother instructed her last week to leave the house today. Susunduin sila ng driver mamaya kasama ng mga gamit na kakailanganin nilang dalhin. Ilan araw rin ang kanilang pag-iimpake at wala akong kung hindi ang tulungan lang siya. Noong una akala ko kasama ako noong sinabi niya sa akin, but it turns out mama never mentioned about me to come. I just accepted that fact.
“Malaking eskandalo ang nangyari dito, hija. Kaya siguro ayaw pang bumalik ng mama mo sa village… P-Pero huwag kang mag-alala! Kakausapin ko siya agad kapag nakarating na kami… sasabihin kong magpapasundo ka rin…” she tried and smiled.
I didn’t felt any hope, but I appreciate what she said. “Thanks, Manang...”
She folded her hands before coming to me. Binuksan ko ang mga braso ko at sinalubong ang kanyang yakap. Naramdaman ko agad ang pamumuo ng mga luha ko nang dahan-dahan niyang sinuklay ang buhok ko. Her small gesture made an immediate impact to me. Comfort… Something I rarely feel inside this house.
“Pakatatag lang, ha? Matatapos din ito,” saad niya.
“Manang?”
“Bakit, hija?”
I hugged her tighter. “Salamat po. Salamat sa pag-iintindi sakin at sa lahat. Salamat sa pagtulong sakin, Manang…”
“Aria, hija…” hinarap niya ako at marahang inalis ang luhang kumalas mula sa mata ko. “Ako nga itong dapat na magpasalamat sayo… Parati ka kasing nandiyan para sa akin.” Mahina siyang tumawa. “Alam mo, parati kong ipinagdadasal na sana malalampasan mo ang lahat ng ito. Dahil tama naman ang sinabi sayo ni Calli… Walang anak ang gugustuhin na maranasan ito.”
“Pero sa kabila ng lahat, namamangha pa rin ako… Dahil sa kabila ng lahat, nanatili ka pa rin bilang si Aria. At alam kong hindi ka nagrebelde o gumawa ng kahit anong ikapapahamak mo. Sadyang mapanghusga lang talaga ang mundo, hija…”
“Manang…”
Umiling-iling lang siya. “Tahan na…” sambit niya. “Pero may isa lang pala akong tanong. Totoo ba? Kayo ng kaibigan mong si Rhysand? Matagal na bang may namamagitan sa inyo?”
I chuckled and held both of her rough, hardworking hands on my cheeks. “No. We just… happened.”
Umiling ako. “I wish I could tell you everything, Manang. Pero mukhang masyadong maliit lang ang oras natin para rito…”
Mahina siyang natawa. “Masaya ka ba sa kanya?”
I nodded. “Sobra. Kahit noong mga panahon pa na magkaibigan pa lang kami.”
“Pansin ko nga,” tawa niya at tuluyan ng kumalas sa akin. Hinimas niya ang mga pisngi ko ng may ngiti sa labi bago pumunta na kay Dian. She picked her up slowly and let her rest on her shoulder. "Kung siya ang nagpapasaya sayo, sana magkita kayo agad... at sana kayo pa rin hanggang sa huli, hija. Matutuwa talaga ako kapag nangyari iyon!" She giggled a bit.
“Siya nga pala, niluto ko ‘yung paborito mo. Nasa lamesa na.”
I smiled faintly. Baka huling beses ko na rin itong matikman ang luto niya. "Salamat, Manang..."
Sinamahan ko sila pababa. Naabutan na rin namin ang sasakyan sa labas na kakarating lang. I helped her load their luggages and settle Dian on her baby-sit. Hindi ko na napigilang umiyak ulit habang niyayakap ang natutulog kong kapatid. Ayoko siyang magising. I cried so hard silently beside her. My heart ached so much knowing that I don't know when will be the next time I get to see her again.
Alam kong magtatampo siya pagkagising... But I didn't meant to. I didn't meant to not say goodbye to her. I just don't want to wake her up now. I'm sure she'll cry if she does. Kaya mas mabuti na ito...
I kissed her forehead before letting go of her tiny hand. Niyakap ko rin si Manang Liz ulit. This time, she started crying too. I bit my lower lip to hold myself back from doing the same. Paulit-ulit kong pinaalala sa sarili ko ang mga sinabi niya kanina. Kailangan kong manatiling matatag... Malalampasan ko rin ito...
"Ikaw ang pinakamalakas na bata na nakilala ko..." Bulong niya. "Pasensya na at pansamantala muna kaming aalis, hija. Mag-iingat ka parati rito, h-ha?" Her voice broke.
Mahina akong tumango.
They left in a blur. Mabilis na nawala ang kanilang sasakyan nang umandar na ito papalayo sa akin. They faded in an instant leaving me alone here, yet I no longer feel the loneliness. But I cried hard and silently prayed to God for some miracle... That Manang Liz's words will come to life. Na matatapos na rin ito... At makasama ko na ulit si Rhysand.
Napaupo ako sa damuhan at hinayaan lang ang sariling buhusin ang mga luha ko roon. After a few minutes when my tears stopped, I entered our house again. I stopped near the stairs and watched the emptiness. The entire house seemed abandoned now... And so am I.
I was about to step right up the stairs when I heard footsteps coming near me. Napakurap ako at mabilis na nag-angat ng tingin. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa taong huminto sa harapan ng pinto.
"A-Anong ginagawa mo dito?"
Leren slowly entered inside. “I hope you still remember me,” she sarcastically said with pitty then placed her schoolbag on the couch.
“Anong… ginagawa mo dito, Leren?” pag-uulit ko.
“Nakita namin ‘yung video…” sambit niya ng hindi makatingin sakin.
Kumunot ang noo ko. “Anong video?”
“The one on social media right now. Tingin namin isa sa mga neighbors niyo ang kumuha nun… It’s been trending over three weeks now,” Nahihiyang sagot ni Leren at umupo sa harapan ko. “Nakarating din ito sa school. I was sent here by the Dean actually... He said he wanted to talk to you and your parents about it. But they’re not here so…” she shrugged. “I’m just here for you now.”
She leaned closer. “Nag-alala lang ako dahil madalas na kitang hindi nakakasalubong sa school. Maiintindihan ko pa ang pag-alis mo sa org dahil personal reasons naman ito… But this? Don’t you think this is a bit much for you to handle alone?”
I got confused. “Since when did you start to care?” Kailan ba noong huli ko siyang nakita? At bakit kusa nalang siyang pumapasok dito?
Nagtaas siya ng kilay. “Wow naman, Aria. Of course there’s been a time that I see you as my friend. I still do now actually despite of your disappearance… Hindi ako katulad ng mga kaklase mo na kinakaibigan ka lang dahil sa talino mo,” she folded her arms. “And I’m still your senior.”
Napabuntong-hininga nalang ako. “Leren, wala talaga akong may masasabi pa sayo. I’m tired. I don’t want to say anything… I don’t even know what to tell you,”
“Fine. If you have nothing to say, then I have,” she slightly looked away before meeting my eyes again.
"I don't want to hear it. Can you please leave now, Leren?"
She snorted then laughed while shaking her head in dismay. “You know what? I’ve always envied you, Aria… Because you’re smart, you’re competitive, you’re beautiful, Ashen Aphelion liked you—and it so happened that your hot best friend does too. You got high grades, you’re rich, but you don’t say too much about it. You’re friendly and kind... and really selfless.”
Nagulat ako sa mga bitawan niyang salita. I was all of a sudden held back on my seat. What is she trying to say?
"You're all I couldn't be. That made me hate you, pero syempre hindi ko pinahalata dahil wala ka namang ginawa. It was just being insecure..." She frowned to herself. "But I noticed you were never passionate over a thing."
She shrugged a bit. "You were always just so busy. Tapos biglang may ganito nalang... Biglang may mga issue ka nalang. That you're being abused and all other shit like you're pregnant." Napatawa siya.
"None of what you've heard about me is true..."
"I know." She slowly nodded. "But how do you do it? Despite of everything... why are you still so kind? Nakita ko kanina ang sasakyan niyo, Aria. And I can clearly tell that they are leaving you here. Bakit mo tinitiis lahat ng ‘to ng mag-isa? Nasaan na ba yung kaibigan mong palagi mong kasama?”
Napailing-iling ako sa kanya. "Leren, this doesn't concern you... W-Wala akong gustong sabihin..."
She folded her arms and rolled her eyes at me. "Fine! But just so you know, there people out there that are still worried about you... Hindi lang ako..." Mahina siyang napailing. "I can't believe you're throwing your life for this. Your education... Your future, Aria... For once, hindi mo man lang ba sinubukang humingi ng tulong? Hindi ko alam na ganito pala kababa ang tingin mo sa sarili mo! Kung alam lang ito ng school ng mas maaga, sigurado akong--"
“Hindi mo naiintindihan, Leren…” Umiling-iling ako sa kanya. “Kapag nagreklamo ako, mas magiging magulo lang… I don’t want my sisters to see that. At hindi mababa ang tingin ko sa sarili ko, Leren..." Matigas kong sambit sa kanya. I shook my head then looked away. "Please, just leave..."
"Where's that friend of yours? What's his name again? Rhysand? Nasa video rin siya na nakita namin. You two were almost inseparable! Nasaan na siya ngayon? Hindi ka man lang ba niya dadalawin dito?"
"Leren, ano ba!"
Napahakbang ako papalapit sa kanya. Nagulat ako sa sariling sigaw at mabilis na nasapo ang bibig. I saw her eyes widened as well then furrowed afterwards. She looked at me confused. "Chill. Nagtatanong lang ako," mas mahinahon na niyang banggit at itinaas ang dalawang kamay. "You don't need to shout at me."
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry, Leren. I..." Napahimas ako sa noo nang makaramdam ng pagkahilo. "Pagod lang talaga ako ngayon..."
She stood up. Dala-dala ang bag niya ay mabilis siyang naglakad sa harapan ko. "Fine. I'll leave. But just so you know, hindi ka dapat iniiwan ng kaibigan mo sa ganitong lagay. If I were him, I would stay here with you."
She turned her back from me. I didn't even get to think about the words she said. Napahawak ako sa tiyan ko nang tuluyan ng umikot ang paningin ko. Napatakbo ako at nilampasan siya.
"Hey!" She yelled when I shoved her shoulder.
Tumakbo ako papunta sa kusina at dumiretso sa sink. I vomit unexpectedly. Kasabay ng pagsuka ko ay ang pagpitik rin ng ulo ko. Hindi nagtagal ay nakaramdam na rin ako ng sakit sa tiyan ko.
I hand crawled up to my chest, feeling my own heartbeat. Nanlamig ako.
"Aria? What happened? May nakain ka ba?"
I haven't eaten anything before she came. I haven't eaten anything at all for this day. Tubig pa lang ang pumasok sa katawan ko kanina.
"Oh, my gosh, you look so pale! Gusto mo bang samahan kita sa hospital?"
Napalingon ako kay Leren. I took a piece of tissue on the counter then wiped my lips. "Huwag na... B-Baka sa pagod ko lang 'to..."
Nagtaas siya ng kilay at pinagmasdan ako ng maiigi. Ilang minuto ang nakalipas at nanatili lang siyang tulala.
"I don't want to think about anything else. But I just wanted to ask..." She placed her bag down again. A slight glimpse of terror was now in her eyes. Lumapit siya sa akin at hinawakan ako sa balikat.
I flinched at her small touch. Napailing ako sa sarili at nanibago. Ayoko rin mag-isip ng kahit ano. Pagod lang 'to... Pagod lang...
Leren heaved a deep breath, stunned by my reflex before putting her hand down. She eyed me worriedly and asked. "When's the last time you got your period?"
***
-kimsyzygy