Now it's not just Shawn who is staring at me during class. Maureen, Myrna, and Jannet are now watching every single movement and action I take. Like they are sort of some CCTV cameras scattered around the school. I couldn't focus or listen well to the math professor because their eyes are bothering me which makes me uncomfortable to make a move.
But at least I could still take some notes even if all my attention is not that completely held on to it. "Okay, class. It's lunch break. Dismiss" she's in her grumpy mood again after the test got interrupted by the bell.
I didn't hesitate anymore to walk away from the people running and rushing around from the classroom to the cafeteria. Everyone's hungry and catching up for lunch since we only have a thirty-minute break. I stood from my chair and assembled all my supplies.
I walked past the door and didn't look back to check if Shawn is following me because I know that he is not although I wish that he is. My wish got granted but in a very different way. Without looking from my back, I felt that the girls are walking behind me again. I was right.
"Jade, please!" Maureen halfway screamed as I felt that she was trying to catch up with my big footsteps.
"What is wrong with you?" Jannet entered the conversation with her light sweet voice.
"Are you okay?" Myrna then said.
I rolled my eyes and wasn't able to control it anymore.
Am I okay?
What do they think of me? A robot? Heck no! Because I feel things normal people do. Like right now, I'm frustrated and sad at the same time when I know that I shouldn't be.
"Do you think I am okay? I'm not a robot jerks!" I can't believe that I let myself let go of those tough words which I know aren't right and they didn't deserve to hear it. Because all that they have always been trying to do is to be nice to me. I just didn't see it.
"We didn't say that! And you don't have the right to call us jerks!" Myrna's voice started to rise. After several years of being friends with her, it was my first time to hear her raise her voice like that.
"You don't need to mention it for it's as obvious as the stupid red lipstick on your lips!" I said back. I used to compliment her when she wears lipstick as red as those. And I don't know why I am being like this.
A war freak fight starter.
"That's enough already, Jade! You're out of your mind," Maureen warned but still tried to keep her voice down.
"Do you even know what is enough? And what isn't?"
She was pretty right on the other hand. I am out of my mind.
"Yes I do, and you're too much! You're going too far," fake concernedness was caught in the way she spoke.
"Now who's talking. You know what, you're the burden here! Since you joined the squad, you brought nothing but disappointment in us. You did not contribute to here!" Her mouth formed an "o" after I said those words.
"Stop saying those to Maureen! She's been a good member and always been" Jannet defended. I formed my arms crossed in front of my chest.
"Wow! And what about you? Have you been even a member? No. Am I right? Because all you care about is yourself, the drama you watch, and the novels you read, nothing else but those are much more important to you while we are just trash that you don't even care about"
I am completely speechless by now on who is talking.
Where is the real Jade? The kind one and who is this girl being too harsh on her friends?
"That is not true!" She began to scream.
"Of course, they're not because you do care about us... when you need our help! But we are strangers to you when we're the ones needing your help!" I know those words weren't meant to come out of my mouth.
But they already did.
"That's enough, Jade!" Myrna's voice became louder than before which caused everyone around us to watch us battle like fools again.
"Shut up, Myrna!" Is this me telling her to shut up like I shouldn't? I'm out of my mind.
"What is happening to you, Jade? What is wrong with you?" Tears began to fall from Jannet's eyes as she wipes them. And I come back immediately to reality as I asked myself. What am I doing? Why am I doing this?
But unlike what I expected, not even a single word stood as an answer to my questions. Because I also don't know why I am being this harsh to the girls who used to comfort me on nights I can't sleep.
I am such a bad friend. The worst.
"And with you!" I pointed my index finger to her. "And you!" Then to Myrna. "And you little princess lost in a stupid fairy tale!" Then to Maureen, as I teased her. "What is wrong with all of you?"
They all seemed as unable as me to find the words to express our thoughts and feelings to each other. "What is wrong with us? Can't you hear yourself right now Jade? Can't you?" Each second, her voice becomes higher.
"It's just that we can't seem to find the real Jade that we used to know before. The one who's kind, forgiving, caring, nice, and would do everything to make her friends happy" Jannet began to cry. So as Myrna and Maureen, I stopped the tears planning to drip down my face.
"Oh, the old Jade? She's dead! Killed by the harsh burdens and obstacles of this world," I know I didn't mean those words but I sounded like I did.
"We are all so done, friendship over!" I stated as I stop my tears. Even if it was hard, I chose to stick with my words. I walked away but in the background, I heard Myrna screaming, "you can walk away. But we won't give up on each other. We would still be us. We are so much better without you!" The words that came out of her mouth hurt and hit differently than they should have.
Am I leaving the girls who always made me feel that life is good in every way we don't see it?
I guess they're right. I've reached too far. I'm being too much, this should be enough. But it isn't. Because the old and strong Jade got murdered by the world and replaced by the weak one.