Date: 10.1.22
Joke:What's black and white and blue? A depressed zebra!
Quote: "And then it starts all over again: I am broken. I am a fraud. I am impossible to love." - All The Bright Places: Jennifer Niven
Push-up tracker: 5 in morning no pain, 10 tonight, 3 real tricep as well 3/10 pain
Summary:
Today was long and all over the place. I'm just scared I won't be able to fall asleep.
So I was up at 5.50 cause my alarm scared me awake... not super pleasant but ya know can't do much about it. So I got ready for school and had time to start a load of laundry too. Then I biked to school in -6 C weather. Not fun, but I survived. It was very slow going, and my fingertips were numb. Then, I forgot my locker combo and I had to call my dad and have him find the paper with it on it. Luckily I got into it after like 15 min of trying different things. Wasn't too fun. Then in Chem it was very monotonous cause we're starting our stoichiometry unit and it's all just conversions to solve rn. Got boring really fast. Then in my advisory class I started learning some of my math for the week. I learned how to do a mathematical induction, which I don't 100% understand yet but I'm almost there. Then in German we didn't do like anything. In APHuG they were finishing Hotel Rwanda, which I already did, so she let me work ahead in the library. I love the library sooo much, it's magical. Then in art we did like intro to watercolor. Im not good at watercolor at all.
Then I biked home, got stuck behind a train (I cross train tracks on my way home), and when I was biking up the death hill- it literally is so steep even cars slide down it sometimes- I pushed myself too hard so when I got home I had to sit down and try to not faint. I was breathing hard and couldn't see straight and all I tasted was blood in my mouth. I just pushed myself too hard. I haven't done that Hill in a while. It's rough. It took a while to recover then I got ready for climbing and went climbing.
Todays practice was actually really good. We Boulder projected for a short bit, then those who were going to Boulder regionals went upstairs to do groups (me included). The groups were all power focused, so one was a power workout (box jumps, clapping pushups - failed terribly at those, and throwing a medicine ball as far as we can (squat and throw it), and power pull-ups (try to go over the bar)), and one was hang board (finger training). I failed sooo badddd, it was super embarrasing. I'm tryna be a better climber but here I am just dying and embarrasing myself in front of the good climbers. I know they aren't really judging but still, don't feel good. Then my normal workout was pretty good. There are a lot of kids though, so it was hard to get on the pull-up bar. Then I got to stay after and climb, so I worked on a super duper dynamic climb - they literally set an entire climb with just 5 massive dinos. It's epic to try and climb but super powerful, so I tried that for a while. Then I belayed E on a slab climb. After that, I had to come home.
Once I got home, I unpacked my school bag, and did a bit of hw. Then I ate dinner (it was really small) and played casual poker with my family. I ended up winning.... Again! I'm really good at it and I love it.
So I may have severed a friendship today, one of my school "friends." It doesn't work out and it's fine with me. We weren't meant to be friends so I let it play out. Basically, so I was working in the library for APHuG right, but I still ate lunch with the class, and I always always always sit outside unless it's like unreasonably cold, which is rare. So I sat outside with like 2 other nice boys. And then I went back to the library to work after lunch. Near the end of the class period I went back to my actual class to check in with the teacher again. And she (name M) literally is like, "where were you at lunch?" And I was like "I sat outside with the boys" and she was like "well I didn't know that" and I was like "where were you guys?" And she said "inside. We've started sitting inside cause you've been gone" take note I've only missed 2 days of school. And so I just shrugged, cause it had happened and we can't change it right, but she's like "well you could've told us somehow" and I shrugged again cause honestly I was just done with the conversation. And she took offense to that, and didn't talk to me the rest of class. I didn't need her friendship and I think I'm gonna start pushing away her attempts at friendship, we're gonna go back to being just classmates. And I know she's gonna try to be friends again and I'm just not gonna engage. I've tried opening up to her before, like sharing my love of musicals, and she just devours it. Either overshines it or just abuses it by playing it off as joking. She's hurt my emotions a lot. It's not good for me so I'm gonna avoid it now. And I know it means pushing away another one of my friends but I have to. School relationships will never last anyways. I don't care anyways. I've got E and an amazing family at climbing.
I wanna start sitting on the grass outside instead of at the tables. Like bring a towel and have a picnic almost.
My anxiety is getting kinda worse. Basically, when there are a lot of people and they're all doing stuff and we're in a space that feels crowded I get slight anxiety and I freeze up and I like can't function very well. It's not fun, and for some reason nobody's picked up on it. And idk why that bothers me but it does. I don't like it but I have to live with it.
Also, I haven't shared this yet cause I've been too scared to, but I heard some questionable sounds coming from my parents room the other night, and me having the dirty mind that I do, thought of them doing it. And it put ugly pics in my head and I'm ace for a reason ya know? And I'm scared to be up late to hear it again but that ends up keeping me up late. And it's very anxiety inducing and just stressful and my brain has been scarred and it's not fun and I'm just terrified. So I haven't been able to fall asleep, and my sleep is restless and not good.
I do have a funny story about climbing today, so after stretching as a team, the coaches go over the plan for the day. And today he was like " so hopefully Boulder projecting warms you guys up, get you guys turned on a bit" and everyone started snickering or laughing or shaking their head cause that was a poor choice of words. It was hilariousssssssssss and so it was like constant jokes the entire practice and it's amazing! And I thought it was funny almost everyone picked up on it and understood it too. It was sooo funny seeing their reactions. Just a good time.
Im tired, emotionally stressed, and can't sleep cause I'm scared so let's try to sleep.
Thanks for reading!
Love you guys <3
Ps don't die 🙃
Although I might... may be easier