Warnings: canon violence, canon language, canon talk of death, methods of kill, talk of being raped at age ten, very implicit rape at age ten, talk of no one believing that the rape happened, rape trauma
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"Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one who inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it." - Mark Twain
You've declared it: it's going to be a good day. You're not going to let work get to you, you're not going to let Elle get under your skin, and you're just going to do your best with the case JJ has alongside your boyfriend. This is a day of new beginnings, and nothing can bring you down. It's a nice day outside, and so you and Spencer decided to walk to work as you two live only a few train stops away. It's a perfect day to be walking as it's not too hot outside and not too cold.
Without the playful gazes of your coworkers, you're able to show a small amount of PDA with your boyfriend. Your hand is entwined with his, and you sneak kisses on his cheek every once and a while. The streets are busy as people rush to get to work, and you try your best not to run into any of them. Along with the people you see, you see the spirits of the people who were once there.
With living in a big city, you've learned to ignore them It's hard because you want to help out whoever you can in any way you can, but you have a job to do that involves real people slaughtering others for sport.
"Hey, are you doing better? After the last case," Spencer asks.
"I'm trying to. Seeing kids in those types of positions is always hard no matter who you are, but I think I took it harder than most. I'm just glad we saved Dustin when we did. We got a bad man off the streets, and that's all I can do at this point."
"You're a lot stronger than me," he chuckles. "I don't know how you do it."
"Well, I have you to support me. You're part of the reason I get up in the morning."
Spencer only smiles at this compliment. You two stop at an intersection and wait for the light to turn green so everyone can cross the street. When you do, you two begin walking on the crosswalk. About halfway through, you bump into a young girl. She looks no more than thirteen years old, she looks sad, and her hair is kind of messy as if she hadn't brushed it in a while.
"I am so sorry," you apologize.
You have no choice but to keep walking, and you look over your shoulder for the girl, but she's lost in the sea of people. Who was that girl? More importantly, why did you feel like you know her? You shrug it off thinking you're stressed about work. You don't know why, but you don't think his case is going to be a good one.
It's still good to have hope.
As soon as you two walk into work, everyone is on the move. Hotch orders everyone in the briefing room immediately, and you sigh deeply. This isn't going to be a good case if he's this wound up this early in the morning. You stop your things off at your desk and head to the briefing room with Spencer.
As soon as you enter the room, your heart stops. There is a woman on the screen who is crying, and that normally wouldn't steer you wrong, but it's the man who is behind her that sends you deeper into your own mind. He is raping her, and she is crying for him to stop.
When everyone is inside, JJ plays the video. You fall into your seat in shock. It's hard to keep watching, but you can't seem to pull your eyes away. Tears build up in your eyes, but you try not to let them fall. While this is happening, there is music playing in the background.
"This video was sent to her parents after she was killed," JJ informs.
"This was sent to the family?" Hotch gasps.
"The father had a heart condition and died while watching it."
"So... the music's not added like a regular soundtrack. It's in the background, so if you turn it down, you also turn down the voices."
"Did we get Garcia to separate the audio tracks?" Derek asks.
"She's working on it now. The sooner we hear how he talks to the victim, the sooner we'll know what kind of man we're dealing with."
"Tell us about Laura Clemensen," Gideon switches tracks.
"She was twenty-years-old and a Sophomore at Jacksonville University in Florida. Assumed to be the fifth in a series of rapes and murders over the past two years. Some women were abducted in parking lots and others while they were running."
"And when was she reported missing?"
"Technically she wasn't. Roommate thought she was visiting family. Family thought she was at school.l
"Was she close to her family?"
"Very. She had dinner with them every Sunday," JJ answers.
It's weird because you're hearing what they're talking about, but it doesn't filter through your brain. Your eyes are glued to the woman as the memories that have been suppressed deep down come busting out of the door they were locked behind.
"That was five days ago, and nobody's seen her until now."
"She wasn't killed on the tape, and given forensics, the other victims were tortured for weeks before they were killed. I think we should operate as if she's still alive," Derek suggests.
"Not for long, if the bastard gets his way," Elle growls.
"Okay, I don't get it. This is the fifth abduction and now the second DVD. Why'd they wait to call us in?" Derek asks.
Apparently, more people were informed of this before you have. Maybe it was for the better that they had. Maybe you should have been informed first to prepare yourself what you were getting into.
"The last victim's family received this DVD two months ago," JJ says and turns on another video. This is somehow worse than the first. "Jacksonville PD thought maybe they'd get some more clues instead of just raise more questions."
"Turn that down, please," you whisper painfully.
Spencer looks over at you and frowns when he sees the look on your face. It's taking everything in your power not to break down right here and now. Thankfully, JJ listens and turns down her cries of pain.
"There seems to be a natural escalation to the murders. It began as brutal attacks against the victims, and now it's psychological attacks on the families."
"So, if the thrill of the kill isn't enough to satisfy his sadistic needs, he needs to spread panic and he thrives on that," Hotch says.
"Sadistic killers are typically strangers to their victims. It's easier for the offender to torture and kill someone that they don't know," Spencer says
"Offenders," Gideon corrects. "The man on the tape isn't doing this just for himself. He's playing to an audience, not her family. Someone watching who can appreciate what he's doing, to admire his sadistic skills."
"It is a characteristic of partners to record their crimes so they can relive the fantasy later."
"How can we be sure?" Elle asks.
The video keeps playing, and this time, two tears do fall from your eyes.
"Right there. The camera moves," Hotch points out.
"One guy tortures while the other records it. Master and servant."
"Jacksonville PD's been looking for this killer for years. How long is it gonna take them to find a team?" Spencer sighs. The video keeps playing, and at this point, you're shaking. "Are you okay?"
The woman begs for them to stop, and that's the breaking point for you.
"I'm sorry," your voice cracks.
You get up and leave the room as fast as you can. You're shaking and crying heavily, hiccupping through your quiet sobs. Hotch's office is right next to you, and you escape in that so no one else witnesses your humiliation. You fall to the couch in soft sobs. The memories of what happened to you come back in vicious waves. Before, you knew it happened, but you refused to believe it. Now, you acknowledge that this is something you went through yourself. Your mind was trying to protect you from the horrid memories, but they can't stay hidden forever.
Hotch and Gideon enter the office shortly after with concern written all over their face.
"What's going on?" Gideon asks gently.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cause a scene," you hiccup. "Seeing that poor woman brought back memories I never knew I had. I promise I'm good, but I just need a minute."
"Are you going to be okay to work?" Hotch wonders.
"Yeah. It's only fair to know that you know what happened to me. I was raped," your voice falters at the "r" word, "at the age of ten. I'm sorry, but hearing that woman cry for help only reminded me of what happened to me."
"We're wheels up in thirty minutes. Is that enough time? If not, just let me know."
"No, that's fine," you sniffle. "I just need a minute."
"Of course. I'm sorry that happened to you."
"Me too," you whisper.
Hotch and Gideon shuffle out of the office before the older man closes the door behind him. You rest your head in the palms of your hands and softly sob. The door opens and someone slips in quietly. They take a seat next to you, and just by the scent of them, you know it's Spencer.
"You don't have to talk if you don't want to," he says softly.
"I was raped," you reveal to your boyfriend. "I was ten when it happened."
"What?" he gasps.
"It was a normal day like any other. I was walking home from school since my parents were too busy to pick me up. I guess I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings because a van started following me." Your voice goes up a notch as you try to keep yourself together. "They followed me for a whole block before one of them grabbed me."
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."
"There were four of them. I couldn't scream, I couldn't move, I couldn't escape it at all," you cry.
Spencer gets tears at your pain. If this happened to anyone else, it might cause them to shut down or get defensive, but you're a psychic, so you're very in touch with your emotions. Something like this is hard to deal with when you literally feel everything.
"I'm so sorry," he whispers painfully.
"It's like my mind blocked out enough for me to believe it didn't happen even though I knew. Like I could say I'm a normal person without these abilities, but I know it's not true. All I do know is that the broken part of my memory is a part of me now. It hurts," you whimper.
"I wish I could help."
"You are... just by being you. Trust me."
Spencer stays with you inside Hotch's office for as long as you need him too. When you've collected yourself long enough to leave the room, you head out and grab your go bag which is sitting on top of your desk. You refuse to watch that video again in fear of breaking down like how you just did. Even on the plane, when Derek plays the video, you're facing away from it. Luckily, he turned the volume off so you won't be able to hear it. He keeps playing it over and over again, and you're not sure why.
"Again. That's the third time he's looked back at the camera," he points out. "He's looking back at his partner."
"These two are clearly deranged and acting out their worst sadistic fantasies," Hotch adds.
"Folie à deux," Spencer quips.
"It's a rare psychological phenomenon in which two or more people share the same psychotic delusion," Gideon informs.
"In its literal translation, yes, but it often refers to the bond that exists between two people that bring out the worst in each other," your boyfriend corrects.
"Most killing teams have a dominant personality that instigates and plans, and a submissive one who's the eager accomplice," Elle states.
You're unusually quiet, and everyone who doesn't know what is going on with you is curious as to why. Though, you can't look them in the eye. You're content with sitting next to Spencer and letting everyone else speak about it.
"So, how do they decide who gets to kill?" JJ asks after glancing at you.
"Well, the dominant one will usually insist on taking the life," Hotch answers.
"What's the psychology behind making these DVDs?"
"It's a shared souvenir that allows the dominant to keep the submissive one motivated, loyal, and aroused," Hotch answers.
"It's also about control," Derek adds. "It's a built-in insurance policy for blackmail just in case somebody gets cold feet."
"It makes you wonder what might have happened if these two people never had met," Gideon sighs. "Chances are the women would still be alive."
The computer in front of Derek switches over to video chat as Penelope's face appears on the screen.
"Jacksonville PD just located Laura Clemensen's body. Some hikers found her under a bridge."
She shares the pictures of Laura, and you turn away from the screen with tears in your eyes. You usually try to keep your feelings out of the cases you deal with, but you can't with this one. So much weight and shame is laying on your shoulders and chest, you just want to go to sleep and forget this ever happened.
"They never hide them. They're always easy to find," Hotch points out.
Laura's eyes are dead and wide open, soulless and lifeless.
"Laura Clemensen wasn't missing for more than a week. The time spent torturing is getting shorter."
"Has her mother been notified?"
"No, not yet," Penelope answers.
"We can cover more ground if we split up."
"Morgan and I'll meet local PD at the scene," Gideon suggests.
"I'll talk to Laura Clemensen's mother, and since she just lost her husband–"
"I'll go with you," Elle butts in.
"I'll start with the victimology and maybe find the reason why these women were targeted," Spencer states.
That only leaves you.
"Um, if it's okay, I'll go with Gideon and Derek," you finally speak for the first time since boarding the plane.
"Are you sure? I could use the help," Spencer tries, but you politely cut him off.
"I'm sure that you do, but these women are suffering because of pigs like our unsubs. I can't just sit in an office when I know I can try to prevent this from happening again. So, I think my talents would be more useful with you guys than studying pictures."
"Then it's settled. We'll split as soon as the plane lands," Hotch nods.
"Are you going to be okay?" Spencer whispers when everyone minds their own business and relaxes before the plane lands.
"I don't know. But I do know I can't let another woman feel what I felt. No one should," you sigh.
"You're doing a good job. I'm here if you need anything."
"I know you are. Thank you," you smile a hollow one.