A Passion and a Promise
"Tahan na..."
Rhysand continued tapping my back. Nasa canteen kami ngayon at kasalukuyang naglu-lunch. Well siya lang pala. Dahil sa pagmamadali kanina, I forgot to bring my lunch box. Hindi na rin akong nag-abala pang bumili ng pagkain dahil wala naman na akong may nararamdamang gutom. I'm too busy contemplating my actions since I found out my score.
He continued stroking my cheek as if he's wiping something there kahit na hindi naman ako umiiyak. Napabuntong-hininga ako bago tinabig ang kamay niya. "Ano ba, Rhy? Hindi naman ako umiiyak..." I couldn't avoid but to sound rude. He's treating me like a child again.
"O-Oh..." Singhap niya bago binawi ang kamay mula sa pisngi ko. He cleared his throat before clasping his hands together above the table. "Huwag mo nalang kasing isipin 'yun. Let's just forget about the damn score, Aria. And then we'll make sure that next time--"
"Hindi naman iyon lang yung iniisip ko. What do you think my parents would react if they knew about this? Hindi lang... pagpapalabas sa akin sa bahay ang pwedeng gawin nila."
His teeth gritted. "Aria, that would be abuse..." Marahas niyang giit. "For once, have you ever thought of that?"
Umiling-iling ako. "It's the least I could give them as their daughter. And that's all what they asked of me... Success." Sagot ko sa kanya. Bigong sumandal ako sa kinauupuan at pinaglaruan ang nakatuping test paper na nasa kamay ko pa rin.
"Kilala mo naman mga pamilya natin..." I tried to laugh a bit. But that seemed to just pissed him out more. Bahagya niyang naihampas ang hawak niyang libro sa lamesa bago hinarap ako ng maigi. He pulled my chair a bit to face him too clearly.
Napayuko ako. Here we go again. Sa aming dalawa, ako ang kumuha ng course na Education. But he did most of the lectures.
"Listen. You need to stop thinking that you need to pay your parents with something just because they pay for your schooling now. Obligasyon nila iyon, Aria. I'm sure you'll be able to give them money and all someday, but don't pressure yourself this way if it's only for their satisfaction. You shouldn't pursue things their way, naiintindihan mo ba iyon? Do you realize how controlling this is?" Mahaba niyang usal. He shook his head in disappointment before speaking again.
"I thought... you would start to wake up from this." Dismayado niyang giit. "Simula pagkabata pa natin 'to, ah? I thought now you could at least do something to fix your relationship with them."
Suddenly, his words were like daggers to me. Oh, now he's going too personal? Akala ko alam na rin niyang wala akong choice pagdating sa bagay na ito? He knows I can tolerate this, and if I would do something like that, alam niyang wala pa ring maaayos iyon sa pagitan namin ng mga magulang ko. That... would only cause a bigger conflict.
Hindi makapaniwalang tinitigan ko siya. "So, all this time, you think I've done nothing, Rhy?" Sa tanong ko pa lang, unti-unti nang sumilip ang mga luha ko sa mata. "I've tried talking to them, Rhysand. Sa bawat pagkakataon na pinapagalitan ako, sinusubukan ko rin namang sumabat. I tried talking back to them sincerely... with respect. Pero wala eh..."
Napakabit-balikat nalang ako. "They won't listen. At kapag pinagpatuloy ko pa ang sa tingin nila'y pagdadabog ko, I would look selfish. Not just to them, but to my siblings as well. And for their sake, I don't want them to witness that... Ako pa naman ang tinutuluran nila. I must look strong, a-and responsible..."
Napaiwas siya ng tingin, as if everything I said was all absurd to him. Mapakla nalang akong napangiti at umiling nalang sa sarili. I push the thoughts out of my head. "You don't understand... You have a beautiful family, Rhy." I smiled while imagining his vacations and bondings with them. Palagi kong nakikita ang mga posts ng mommy niya sa tuwing nagbabaksyon sila. Those seemed really fun...
He has no idea how happy I am for him because he has them.
"No..." Bulong niya. "I don't understand." He agreed. Tumingin siya sakin ng matalim ang mga mata. "...for now. But I know what's right and wrong, Aria. Alam ko ang mga bagay na sumusobra na. Sinong matinong magulang ang patutulugin sa labas ng bahay ang anak dahil lang hindi sinasadyang nagkamali ito?" Marahas siyang umiling. It's like he's carrying more of the burden than I am. He shut his eyes before taking a deep breath. "What would you do without me, Aria Solace..." Buntong hininga nalang niya.
"I mean, seriously. What if we weren't neighbors? I couldn't imagine that fucking scene..." His voice hoarsed.
"I wish I could do something, Aria. If only you would allow me, I would..." He continued sighing as if calming himself.
Napasandal nalang siya sa kanyang inuupuan at tinakpan ang mukha. Napayuko ako at tuluyan nang nayupi ang test paper na hawak.
"Rhysand..." Mahinang tawag ko sa kanya. "Our friendship is enough." I said then tried to reach his clenched hand on the table, not certain if it's the right thing to do now.
Napakurap na lamang ako at tuluyan hinawakan ang kamay niya. I tapped his hand. Ilang beses kong ginawa iyon bago bumitaw rin. Napamulat siya sa tabi ko at tinitigan ako ng ilang beses bago pinihit ang ulo. He rolled his eyes at me.
"Y-Yeah, right. Whatever." Usal niya bago umupo ng matuwid. Ilang segundo siyang naging tahimik bago muli ring nagsalita.
"If you... really want to repay them with success, then at least do it with something you're passionate about. Hindi 'yung puro aral ka lang."
My brows furrowed. "You mean, sa resto? You want me to be successful sa resto or sa organization--"
"Hindi 'yun, Aria..." He frustratedly muttered.
Mas lalo akong nalito sa tinutukoy niya. Does he mean a career or something? "Sa pagiging teacher? I would p-passionate while pursuing that naman." Saad ko ng hindi sigurado kung tama ba 'yung sinabi ko. I'm not sure if he get my point.
"Hindi rin 'yan. What I mean is, something you are interested now. A passion of yours, Aria." Sagot niya.
Sinubukan kong mag-isip. Pero wala na akong may naisip pa bukod sa pagtuturo, pagiging part-time worker, at pagiging part ng isang org. What interests me now? Ano naman ang ibig niyang sabihin roon?
Bahagyang kumunot ang noo niya sakin nang hindi pa rin ako makapagsalita. "I can't believe you're this forgetful, Ri... Madami akong alam na bagay na naging interesado ka. Do you want me to name some?"
Nang sinabi niya iyon ay unti-unti ko nang nakuha ang ibig niyang sabihin. Napailing ako. "No, no... You don't get it, Rhy. This is... the only thing I'm good at. I'm passionate in learning."
Umiling rin siya pabalik. "I doubt that... That can't be the only thing that gives you a heart for something."
Pinagsaklop niya ulit ang mga kamay niya sa itaas ng lamesa at bahagyang yumukod. This time, he looked at me... interestingly. Something I barely notice when it comes to his stares. Palagi nalang kasing manloloko o pilyo 'yung nakikita ko sa kanya. Rhysand seemed... curious more often. I'm starting to like this about him. I feel like he's somewhat acting like a real adult now.
Tinukod niya ang isang kamay niya sa lamesa at humilig sa kanyang palad habang hinihintay pa rin ang sagot ko. Napaawang ang bibig ko at napaisip. Tumagal ang mga minuto ng pagiging tahimik sa pagitan namin ay wala pa rin akong may naiisip sa mga tinutukoy niya.
"Uhh... I like writing?" I spoke, uncertain again. Inikot niya ulit ang mga mata niya.
"A common answer for avid readers and smart or quiet girls. No offense." Ngisi niya at nag-peace sign pa.
Napalabi ako. "Considered naman 'yun. I'm interested at it, therefore, I'm passionate." Pagdedebate ko pa. But, I only ended up laughing at my own words.
Napailing-iling siya sakin at natatawang napahilamos nalang sa mukha. "That's more of a hobby than a passion, Aria..." He sounded sleepy. "Nakasanayan mo ng gawin. You're not even sure to answer that. You're not sure what to answer at all... Oh, man..." He sighed, displeased. "I'm starting to question now if you picked the right course for yourself."
"Of course, I did!" Sagot ko agad. "I grew fond with children because I'm already grown up when my siblings were born. Inaalagaan ko rin simula pagkabata and I have loved innocence. I've been used to nurturing them. Gusto ko itong ipagpatuloy rin sa iba pang mga bata..." I could give him a whole speech on why did I chose Elementary Education, pero sa itsura niya, mukhang hindi naman convincing ang mga pinagsasabi ko rito.
Tumikhim ako at nagpatuloy. "Then I'll take both Masteral and Doctorate. Plano ko ring ipagsabay ang pag-aaral ko ng business if I can manage. Then once I've accomplished those, pwede na akong maging school principal kung papalarin. I would use my parents' business to connect with the school I'm handling. The company could do sponsorship. Panghugot investors and partnerships din 'yun. I could handle both these occupations, Rhy." Mahabang paliwanag ko. Napataas lang siya ng kilay
"Too practical." Komento lang niya at napabuntong-hininga na para bang hindi makapaniwala. He looked at me, bothered.
"Be honest with me. Do you... know what passion really is, Aria?" Masinsinan niyang tanong habang pinanliliitan ako ng mata. "I didn't expect you to tell me right away because we're still kids back then. Pero ngayon na nakakalahati na natin ang kolehiyo, siguro oras na pag-usapan na rin natin ito... to make sure if we're making the right decisions. Those that can make us happy."
Napatawa ako. "Ano 'to? Deep talks?"
Humalakhak na ako ng tuluyan nang tumango siya.
"My goodness, Rhysand Alexander..." Pakiramdam ko biglaan nalang napawi ang tensyon na nasa pagitan namin kanina. He's back to his old mood, but a little different. Hindi ko naman alam na magiging interesado pa siya sa mga ganitong bagay.
We talked about dreams, sure. But, passion? Hindi ko alam. Hindi naman lumalabas sa mga pinag-uusapan namin ito. Sa tingin ko masyado na kaming kampante at nagtitiwala sa isa't isa at hindi na ito kailangan. I mean there's no need for us to do these kinds of conversation. We already know each other. Right?
"Okay, let me tell you mine first. I have a passion in art. Sculptures. I want to mold images in rocks. Do you get it now?" He casually said.
Nalaglag ang panga ko. I was left dumbfounded by what he just said. I swear, I did not expect those words from him ever. May parte sa akin na hindi matanggap iyon... Dahil hindi ko alam iyon. I mean... h-how he say that just now? B-But, really? Gusto niyang... gawin iyon? Or was he doing it now?
Kalaunan din akong napangiti. Woah.
He looked a way shyly. Pansin ko ang pamumula ng tenga niya. He bit his lower lip as if he's regretting something. It was like my face is a confirmation of something to him. Napatulala lang ako sa kanya habang nakangiti pa rin.
"I--" I couldn't mutter a word! I'm too speechless. Ano ba ang dapat na magiging reaksyon ko? He should expect this from me! Like, seriously? Kung ganun, para na rin siyang sculptor? An... artist?
"S-Seryoso?" Singhap ko. Dahan-dahan lang siyang tumango sa harapan ko.
"Rhy..."
"Now, you get what I mean..." Sambit niya. "But, that also confirms what I thought." Tila nanlumo ang pagkakasaad niya. He looked at me with me mixed emotions in his eyes but above all of them was sadness and worry.
"Confirms what?" Kunot-noong tanong ko naman sa kanya.
He heavily sighed. "That you don't have one, Aria."
Napawi ang ngiti ko sa mukha. His words did sink in to me but that didn't seem to process well. I started to get his point, pero hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman. He looks worried and distressed. Dapat ba akong... mag-alala?
"I feel so guilty, Ri..." He suddenly murmured. Mapait siyang ngumiti. "I... must be a terrible friend to you. I don't know how to teach you stuff. Ni hindi ko man lang alam ang tungkol sa bagay na ito. Tangina, ang babaw pero..." Napaiwas siya ng tingin at marahas na napailing sa sarili.
"H-Huh? Bakit?" Nag-umpisa na akong mag-alala sa inasta niya.
He pursed his lips before looking at me again. Binigyan na niya lamang ko ng pilit na ngiti. "It's just sad to think that my best friend has no passion to do other things aside from... being a student. It should be bothering to you, really, Ri... Kahit minsan ba ay hindi ka napagod sa pag-aaral? At napaisip ka ng ibang bagay na gustong gawin bukod roon?" Tanong niya. "It's like a hidden desire in your heart, Aria."
"Well..." I stretched out my arms. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin.
I bit my lip and just smiled to him. "Maybe it's something I haven't thought about yet? Wala naman akong may gusto pang gawin... At wala namang masama dun, di ba?" Nagkabit-balikat nalang ako. "Or maybe I already have... I just don't realize it yet. Pero kahit na, that still won't change my mind about my decisions now..."
"How sure are you?" He questioned aggressively.
"Because it didn't change yours." Mabilis kong sagot na ikinatahimik niya. "You still chose the path you always said that it's the best for you. I-I just didn't know that you weren't fully committed to it until now." Dugtong ko pa.
Natahimik siya ngunit napatango rin. He finally nodded like he's letting this pass now. He's letting my reasons put an end to this for now. Pansamantala niyang tinanggap ang sinabi ko kahit na alam kong labag iyon sa loob niya.
I can feel that he still wants to say something.
Instead, he averted his gaze away from me and shut his book above the table and pulled his bag up. Napatango na rin ako sa sarili at sinimulan na rin ang pagliligpit.
"I promise from now on, I'll be more mindful of you." He suddenly mentioned to me while pulling the zipper of his bag. Pagkatapos niya sa pagliligpit ay agad na siyang tumayo.
He smiled bluntly, like he's keeping something that he wanted to say. Bago pa man ako makatanong sa kanya ay tuluyan na siyang tumalikod mula sa akin at mabilis nang umalis ng wala man lang paalam.
***
-kimsyzygy