Nikki's diary
I'm, without a doubt, one thousand percent sure that if I could get away with it, and if it wouldn't hurt my kids, I would strangle their mother with my bare hands.
And you know what? I wouldn't even care if I got caught. Fuck it! I've been to jail before. I can do it again.
How she could possibly be so fucking stupid and get involved in a fucking drug cartel is beyond me. What the fuck for? God knows she got plenty of my money in the divorce.
I'm not sitting on my high horse here because God knows I've done some stupid shit in my life. Hell, I spent my first twenty plus years on this earth trying to kill myself with every substance known to man. But dammit, I have never put my kids in any danger. Even when Robbin was in a bad way and trying to get clean and I let him crash at my house. Then I found his stash and as much as it broke my heart, I had to kick him out. I couldn't have junk around my kids.
Sometimes I regret that. Especially when I started using coke and gear again and became a huge hypocrite.
I sometimes wonder if he'd still be alive if I hadn't made him leave.
But I did it for my kids. I couldn't allow them to be around that shit.
Some say there is no crying in rock n roll. But I am not ashamed to say I am on the verge of tears right now. Leaving everyone I love hasn't gotten any easier over the years. In fact, it has become nearly impossible to leave them more and more each time. And now that all hell has broken loose with their mother it's even harder to be away from my kids.
Thank God, or whoever the hell it is up there, for Tommy and Ashten being there in my absence to give them a safe place to land. Tommy's parenting methods can sometimes be questionable but I know he will take care of them while I'm waiting in this godforsaken airport.
And Ashten... Jesus, what a fucking saint!
Taking on a filthy, workaholic, messy, sharp-tongued, smart ass, recovering addict is a tall order in itself but adding in four kids, two ex wives—one of which is facing federal prison—must be astonishing.
Sometimes I question her sanity.
There's no way this has been easy for her. Having to step in during this latest crisis had to be beyond daunting. Especially with how I handled things so abominably during our previous emergency.
It'd been a long time since I'd lost my shit like that.
Funny, but situations like that make me very happy that I got sober and dealt with all the bullshit in my life.
If I hadn't been able to face my demons, I wouldn't be so lucky as to love an angel now.
Possible song lyric: what's an angel like you ever do with a devil like me....
It's making me rethink a few things. After splitting up with...ugh, I can't even write her name without swallowing vomit....the ex... I thought I could never trust another woman— that I'd never be able to ever again let my guard down again.
I didn't realize that to some extent I've still been holding up a wall with Ashten. And I still can't believe I treated her the way I did. I'm not sure if I'll ever forgive myself for it and I am amazed she did.
All I know is I never want to lose her. And maybe the idea of being with someone forever isn't completely out of reach.
*******************
Everyone slept late the following morning. Even Nikki, who was a notoriously early riser, managed to stay in a deep slumber longer than usual. But even his jet lagged fatigue only kept him in bed until a little after 8.
At least that's what time Ashten thought it probably was when she woke up briefly to roll over to his side of the bed. It was still warm and,combined with his scent, it was like being wrapped in his arms. Moaning in sleepy content, she cuddled the covers closer to her chin to fall back into a deep sleep for a few more hours.
When she eventually awoke, and pulled herself from her Nikki-scented cocoon, she padded downstairs in search of coffee. Surprisingly, she was greeted not only with the scent of roasted Colombian cocoa beans but also a completely empty and silent house.
Knowing better than to question that miracle, she prepared her coffee with just the right amount of chocolate creamer before checking her phone.
Ashten smiled at the messages from "Warren" telling her he'd be back later in the afternoon. The irony that she was wearing his old Ratt t-shirt as she responded was not lost on her.
As she sipped her hot mug of soul touching liquid, she planted herself in front of her laptop to locate the emails from her mom— emails containing footage from some of her old dance competitions. Jozie, who in addition to her fitness business, had taken on a job at a dance studio and needed to choreograph a routine for a high school team. Unable to come up with anything she was happy with, she recruited Ashten for help and they both felt the old tapes may spark some inspiration.
While Ashten downloaded the files to a thumb drive to take to her meet up with Jozie, she found herself no longer enjoying the silent house.
In fact, she began to hate it— which was typical. She'd never been able to handle too much quiet. She always needed some sort of background noise like music or a TV. Anything but silence.
She despised too much silence. Probably because silence always made her mind race.
That day in particular she kept replaying Nikki's sleepy words in her head.
You're gonna be a good mom.
Really? Would a good mom feel nothing but relief upon discovering an unplanned pregnancy wasn't viable?
She loathed to admit she even had those thoughts. They'd been pestering her ever since that day at the hospital.
Maybe it was the doctor in her. She'd spent years being trained to desensitize herself to that sort of thing and it just didn't bother her all that much.
To be fair it didn't seem to phase Nikki either.
And what did he mean by that? Did he want her to be a mom? Did he want to make her one? Had he changed his mind about never wanting any more kids?
Seemed a little radical considering it's only been a few months since their reconciliation.
And maybe that was the problem. Maybe deep down she didn't trust that Nikki wouldn't hurt her like that again and that there was this wall built up to protect herself.
Or he could have meant absolutely nothing and it was a half-awake observation by an extremely fatigued man.
To salvage her own sanity she settled on the latter for the time being and got herself out the door to meet Jozie.
Stepping into Jozie's dance studio was like taking a trip back in time. The shiny wood sprung floor, the mirrored walls, the brilliant lighting and the scent of hairspray mixed with ambition took her straight back to all the years she'd spent in an almost identical space.
It was almost like coming home and Ashten had a rumble in her gut that felt remarkably like passion reigniting.
Together, the two women spent a large part of the day reviewing Ashten's old performances and working through some choreography and by the time they were finished, they were drenched in sweat but had a nearly full routine ready for Jozie's students.
Ashten was exhausted by the time she made it back to her place and stepped in the shower. Her muscles ached in a way they hadn't in years but it was a welcome feeling. She'd forgotten how therapeutic dancing always was for her. Any stress, anger, sadness, tension or any uninvited emotion was always poured out of her and the endorphin rush gave her almost a euphoric feeling.
After standing in the shower almost long enough to use up all the hot water, she wrapped herself in a towel and passed into her room, planting herself on her large, plush, purple vanity seat. Just as she'd finished drying her hair, she heard her front door open followed by a very welcome masculine voice.
"Babydoll, you here?" Nikki called out, his voice making her stomach flutter as it always did.
"In here," she called back, clutching at the knot of the bath towel wrapped around her. "You're alone, right?"
"I am." Nikki leaned against her bedroom door frame, a vision in dark denim, a black t-shirt, and leather jacket.
"What are you doing here?" Ashten hadn't expected him for at least a few more hours.
"I can leave." He took a few steps toward her and tilted his head, pushing his sunglasses down just enough that his mossy green eyes met hers in the mirror. The look in them was one of adoration mixed with something else she knew all too well.
And it made her kegels clench in anticipation.
"No, I mean I thought you'd be with the kids all day."
Nikki stood directly behind her and slid his hand under her chin, tilting it gently to plant a kiss on her lips.
"I was. We went to breakfast, did some shopping, and talked about everything with their mom."
"How'd that go?"
"Pretty good, actually. They're okay. So okay that I think they got sick of me asking," he admitted.
"Why do you say that?"
"Because they split to catch up with their friends the first chance they got."
Ashten stifled a laugh. "Even Decker?"
"Yeah." Nikki shrugged off his jacket and tossed it on the foot of the bed. "Tommy called and said his boys wanted Deck to have a sleepover with them so he took him to Malibu with him for the night."
"That's sweet."
"Know what else is sweet?" Nikki held up a little brown shopping bag and placed it in her lap.
"For me?"
Ashten could already smell the chocolate as she opened the bag. Nestled in white tissue paper was a box of handmade peanut butter cups from the chocolate shop she loved.
"Yep." He knelt down behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. "I was close by and I know how much you love them. The first part of a large thank you for everything you did yesterday."
"You already thanked me." She smiled coyly at him via the mirror and leaned back in his arms, the scent of his cologne nearly making her swoon.
"I haven't properly thanked you."
Nikki's lips were up against her ear, his voice low and dangerously smooth. Every syllable he spoke dripped with sex and the sound rumbled over her skin to settle right between her legs.
"In fact," he took a quick nibble of her earlobe, "I'm going to thank you so many times you won't be able to walk properly tomorrow."
Ashten gasped as he spun her around to face him and immediately meshed his lips with hers, the box of chocolate hitting the floor and completely forgotten.
Nikki's mouth was soft and warm with the taste of tobacco and spearmint which was arousing as hell. There was no rush in his movements as he effectively took control of her mouth, the kiss slow and thorough. His tongue dipped into her mouth and stroked against hers while his hand slowly moved down her body, pulling the top of her peach terry cloth towel down to her waist.
He broke their kiss and took a moment to appreciate her perky full breasts—or big boobies as he's so affectionately referred to them. Her stunning pink nipples instantly pebbled under his gaze and were just begging to be sucked on.
He had no choice but to oblige.
When he dragged his tongue over one she let out a moan, her hand sliding into his hair as she arched into him, her legs parting for him to make a home between them.
Nikki pulled her closer and wrapped his arms around her bare back. She could feel him through his jeans, hard against her and shifted her legs to trap him against her aching core, pressing against him wringing a groan from him as he wrapped his lips around her nipple, sucking gently.
He moved back and forth between the two mounds he loved so much and spent many minutes licking and sucking at the pretty pink buds. After one final pull with his teeth, Nikki released the fully aroused flesh and used his tongue to make a wet trail down to her stomach. His hands slowly pulled the towel away from her to reveal the rest of her naked body.
She bit her lip and smiled shakily, her body humming and trembling with need as his eyes left hers and travelled down to the glistening pink flesh that throbbed for him. His hands smoothed up the inside of her thighs and he could feel the heat coming off of her from mere inches away.
"So fucking gorgeous," Nikki said gruffly, looking back in to her eyes and gently brushing his thumb back and forth over her seam.
Ashten let out a quiet gasp, his words and delicate touch making her heart race and her body burn as one of his rings nudged against her.
He circled her clit, spreading the sticky arousal he found, letting his fingers explore as if touching her for the first time.
Ashten trapped her bottom lip in her teeth and moaned, opening her legs further as Nikki made another wet trail from the valley of her breasts down to her pelvic bone.
Forgetting there was no back to the stool she sat on, she tossed her head back and went to hook her legs over his shoulders but lost her balance. She yelped as she nearly threw herself backwards off of her seat. If not for Nikki's quick reflexes and his large arms grasping around her waist, she would have certainly hit the floor.
"Ok. Come on, Grace." Nikki chuckled and picked her up with him, her arms wrapped around his neck and knees bracketing his hips as he turned and deposited her on the bed.
He remained standing and peeled off his shirt before he pulled her toward him by her ankles. Parting her legs he tossed them over his shoulders before he smiled darkly at her and lowered his head.
"Oh God," she gasped when his skilled mouth landed on her quim. "Fuck."
Nikki raked his tongue over her, groaning at the silky heat he found. He couldn't help himself and pushed her thighs wide until they were pressed to the mattress to give him full access, making her moan at the stretch. He took that moment to rub his entire face against her and ensure he was covered in her sweetness.
Ashten gasped when his teeth tugged on the edge of one of her nether lips and she bucked against him as he slid a finger inside her, his tongue swirling around her swollen clit. And then he added another, moving them slowly, teasingly, curling up and hitting spots that made her head spin. His tongue stroked repeatedly against her nerve, and Ashten bit her lip and moaned while she writhed beneath his mouth, her fingers clenched in his hair. She could feel her body burning with a building orgasm that was desperate to erupt.
She was so fucking close. Every nerve in her body stiffened and when Nikki latched onto her clit and sucked, she exploded as waves of pleasure washed over her, her cry echoing around the room.
But he wasn't done with her yet.
The more noise she made, the more he pressed his face into her. With starvation in the back of his throat, his hot tongue burrowed its way deep inside her.
Skilled didn't even describe what this man's hand and mouth could do to her. It was next-level and very quickly all the muscles in Ashten's abdomen tensed. Her legs began to quiver of their own volition as another powerful orgasm took her over. She moaned his name repeatedly and dug her nails deep into the skin behind Nikki's neck as she ground against his mouth, his grip on her thighs tightening to keep her from squirming.
Finally, after slowly bringing her down from the intense high, Nikki raised his head and crawled like a panther up her body until he was hovering above her.
"I don't know what I did to deserve you, but I'm so fucking glad you're mine."
His voice was raw with arousal as he covered his mouth with hers and sucked on her tongue, drawing it into his mouth and letting his teeth fall shut around it.
Ashten moaned in response and grasped his belt pulling him down into the cradle of her hips so she could feel his body against hers. He pressed himself as close as he possibly could, the heat of her searing him even through the denim he still wore.
Within seconds his belt was removed, the jeans disappeared and Ashten could feel him, hot and heavy against her center. Arching her back, she lifted her hips towards him, desperate to have him closer and inside her.
Slowly, he acquiesced and pressed his cock into her making her gasp at the stretch when he was finally fully seated inside her.
She felt so full and Nikki moved slowly, dragging his length in and out of her so he could feel every possible part of her and hit as deep as possible.
"Fuck," he gritted out, his jaw clenched as he looked down at her, so beautiful with her hair sprawled about and her eyes glazed over, taking him in like she was made specifically just for him.
The rhythm they found together was slow. There was no urgency, no uncertainty. It was tender and hazy and she felt connected to him beyond the slide of his mouth on hers and the feel of him deep inside.
Once again her legs began to shake as he pushed her closer and closer to that perfect moment. Her slick wet walls gripped him and pulled his girth impossibly deep and when she shattered apart he quickly followed, staying inside of her with no intention of leaving.
They laid there together for what seemed like hours, a mess of entangled limbs. All she could focus on was his heartbeat, so close and so loud.
She never wanted to stop hearing it.
It was at that moment she decided she would give him all the babies he wanted—or not, if he didnt— as long as she could hear that beat forever.
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A/N-Sorry for taking so long. Been super busy and thanks for hanging in with me.