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Y/N Y/L/N
As soon as you returned to Hogwarts after enduring hell, time flew by much faster than you would've expected. The rest of January and February went by within a blink. The two months were spent writing vague letters to Voldemort, revealing enough but not too much.
Gradually you began to close yourself off. The group that had just begin to reunite fell right back apart. The only person you spent time with recently was Theo. You were only ever with him if you were with anybody. At first, it was awkward getting back to hanging out with Theo considering everything that had happened since before Christmas Holiday. However, things slowly set back to their usual pace.
Every day was spent with Theo, usually in comforting silence. When the two of you did talk, it was all gentle and soft. Like both of you were walking on eggshells around each other. It bothered you that there was a limit to how close you could get with Theo, but you dealt with it.
You could speak up if you wanted, but you didn't want to. If you began to complain, you were afraid Theo would leave, and currently, he was the only person you confided in. The idea of losing yet another person seemed so frightening you just kept your mouth shut.
Once a week, you wrote a letter and sent it to the Malfoy Manor for Voldemort. It was now March, and there was still no sign from Voldemort on what to do next. Well, at least, you didn't receive any notice of signs. You hadn't heard anything since Christmas Holidays.
Signs of a brewing war were everywhere, and everybody at Hogwarts seemed to be on edge, which is only fair. It now only dawned on everyone that without Dumbledore, nothing would be stopping Voldemort. When you stopped to realize this, it was about the only time you wished he was alive and not dead in a grave.
You never necessarily cared for Dumbledore. But in moments where he seemed to be the only way to win, it was hard to not wish he was here. You hadn't seen anybody who was in the Order around school, Ginny, Neville, Luna, but it's not like you went out looking. And you were sure they heard the recent news of you becoming a Death Eater.
A Death Eater.
Sometimes you'd forget, and in those moments, you felt your best. Except for a moment later, your eyes found their way to look down at your arm, and instantly a thick fog of suffocation clouded around you. Both you and Theo suffered from the ink in your arms, but neither of you talked about it properly. It was fear, taboo, nobody wanted to talk about, because in the very end, nobody even wanted it.
Most of your time was spent getting lost in thought, thinking of thousands of ways your life would end. Sometimes if it got too dark when you've returned back to reality, you found yourself shaking.
Some endings were if Harry won, others if Voldemort did. Some were happy, others were sad. Some included Theo, some didn't. Some included Draco, most didn't. Death is inevitable, but you'd think about how you'd meet it. In war? Old age? An unforgivable curse? You didn't like thinking about it for too long.
Schoolwork was the last thing on your mind even though, technically, NEWTs were coming up. All the teachers did their best to remind you of the exams, but even they seemed weary in the seats. They drowned you in homework that you never did, possibly to distract from the Daily Prophet and talk of war.
When you worked on your letters, you sat at your desk for hours figuring out the best way to write what they'd want to hear. Once your owl had been sent off and then you'd proceed to look down at your fingers, they were always stained with ink.
Your father's ring lays beside a framed picture of you and your parents together smiling, only you've flipped the portrait around. You still couldn't find the nerve to put the ring on, but you still wanted it insight.
"Y/N?" Theo asks as you finish sealing your most recent letter to Voldemort.
"Yeah?" You swivel around in your chair as Theo closes the door behind him. Pansy was rarely in the dorm anymore. When you went out looking for her, she was never found. Her bed was always messy, though, so you knew she was sleeping in the bedroom.
"Letters?" Theo says with an exhausted sigh, dropping onto your bed, watching as you string your parchment, so it'll be ready for the Owlery for tomorrow.
"I'm tired of it," you groan as you scooch next to him in bed, hiding under his arm for the slightest bit of comfort.
"I know, me too," Theo whispers, facing forward, talking to air. He then turns to give you a soft kiss on your forehead before facing straight again.
You rub your fingers on your Dark Mark as if it'll erase. Of course, it doesn't. It only hurts more when you touch it. Sometimes in class, it'll move, and all you can do is grit your teeth and wait for it to pass. Everyone who'd become a Death Eater wore long-sleeves and only long-sleeves in public. Sometimes you wondered if anybody had caught on.
Your eyes travel around your dorm, bored. Nothing intrigued you anymore because you lived in routine. There was nothing to look forward to. Even if there wasn't a war, there'd be NEWTs.
The only pleasure you had was Theo, and even he felt like he was slipping away. That terrified you. Right now, Theo was the only thing you had, and you didn't want to be left with absolutely nothing.
When you look back up at Theo, he seems lost in a blur. You take a small inhale before cupping his jawline, which is your favorite thing to do. Gently your lips meet his, and Theo lets you take the reins. As the kiss pursues, you re-situate yourself to sit square on his lap.
Theo finds himself pulling you in as close as you can get, the heat of the both of you rubbing between your bodies. Your hands are glued to his jawline, the only staple you allowed yourself to get connected to. When you pull back to take a breath, you dip back down to his neck, kissing his soft skin. Theo made you wet and drenching as he whimpers your name, your dampness on his pants gets him hard.
Palming his bulge while doing everything to get him ecstasy, you do what you do best. The rattling of Theo's pant zipper rings in your head as you align his tip with your heat. Everything on your mind slowly dissolved as you force yourself into euphoria, wanting so badly to forget.
Terence Higgs
I stand in a group. I can't see faces or hear any words, but a buzzing noise echoes in my head. The pitch of the buzz changes, and I can only guess it means different people are talking. As I look around, I'm in a forest?
Yes, in a forest. The trees tower over me as I try and make my way through the crowd to understand what's happening. I push past people who are also trying to get to the front. When I near the edge of the crowd, I see something on the floor. What are we all looking at?
As I take a step closer to try and figure out more, I'm lead into darkness. With every step I take, I drown even more until I'm trying to claw my way out of obscurity. It only takes seconds for me to be surrounded by black. However, when I look up, I can still see the tips of the trees. I can still hear the buzzing, but it's much softer, and it slowly dies out.
When the buzzing dies out, the hole at the top of the ditch I'm in closes until I'm actually only surrounded by darkness.
Just wait it out, Terence.
Just a moment longer.
Hold on for just a-
My eyelids open on an order I don't command. I take a deep breath as I reassure myself that it's just a dream and that right now, I'm in my room. Yes, I can see prophecies, but not every dream I dream is an oracle. I look around to be sure that I'm just in my dorm, clutching tightly onto my covers, feeling for fabric, making sure that I'm not in my head.
I stare at Adrian's side of the room. I haven't seen him since Christmas. Maybe his parents pulled him out because of the war. It could've been his brother too. Maybe, right now, he's safe abroad, maybe in the states. Maybe.
My parents are still locked away in the basement of the Malfoy Manor. They could be alive or dead. I can only hope they're living, but I know to prepare for the worse once school goes out. There are too many endings that there's no way I could theorize one in my head. Even with Snape's help, I'm still a beginner.
Snape.
Shit.
It takes a look at my clock to start rushing to get ready. Every other night I go to Snape's office to work on my Seer skills. I'm not even sure how I'm a Seer. All I could gather from the conversation about it was that it had to do with my family and Veela's.
Working with Snape, rather, being taught by Snape one on one is exhausting. Every time I get the worse headache. And even though he's not technically yelling at me, it feels like it. It terrifies me how quickly he can make me feel useless and stupid. Even when I do something right, Snape never fails to make the advantage seem pointless.
As I walk to his office, I decide whether or not to tell Snape about my dream. After going to him for lessons for so long, I don't even have to think about where I'm going. The day we got back from the Manor, Snape called me down to work on my Seer abilities.
Why would you tell him, Terence?
It's not like you're really on their side, are you?
Besides, you don't even know what it means.
And you have no idea if it's a dream or a prophecy.
Just wait.
Just wait until you know more.
Just wait until I know more. That's a safe option, right? But, lately, nothing really is safe, is it? Safe is better. Right now, safe is better. It's not like Snape can read my mind.
Pansy Parkinson
I've reverted back to the Pansy I was at the beginning of the year. I can't talk to anybody. I won't talk to anybody. All I can think about is that I'm a murderer. I killed Adrian. It doesn't matter if people think he deserved it or not. It doesn't matter if I think he deserved it or not. I still killed him.
I hide in the Room of Requirement. Every time I enter, it's the same as the time before. It's just a meadow of tall grass that breezes in a gentle wind. If I squint my eyes hard enough in the distance, you can see the beginnings of a waterline. When I look down at the ground, all around are colorful wildflowers that dance along with the grass.
Here I can think.
Here I can breathe.
As soon as I leave my meadow and back to Hogwarts, the air is instantly thicker to the point where if I don't inhale carefully I almost blackout. Every time I return to the corridors of the castle, it gets harder to endure.
Nobody here really knows what's happened to Adrian.
Nobody but me.
I still haven't told anybody. How could I? How would I explain? How could I be forgiven? I should've died. I should've died instead of killed.
Sometimes I wonder if Adrian's a ghost, so I could apologize. So I could say 'I'm sorry' over and over again until he's tired of hearing it. So he could see my tears, my pain, my guilts, and my regrets to know that I didn't want to. For closure.
It's selfish, I know. Closure for whom? For me. To apologize and then move on. It's a greedy thing to want to be happy when I'm the reason so many things are miserable.
Fuck you, Pansy.
You're such a shitty person.
When I really think about it, I don't want Adrian to become a ghost. I don't want his second life to be barred because he can't overcome fear, guilt, regrets, or an attachment to the real world and refuses to move on to the final stages of death. It wouldn't be fair to him.
I've spent the last month and a half with my secret. I've locked myself in with my secret, and now I've realized the only way to escape this never-ending pain I have to let my secret out with me. I only met this state of comprehension because I was high as fuck.
"Y/N?" I say softly as I enter the dorm. Y/N is on her bed reading a book. She looks just as surprised as to how I feel about telling her.
"Did something happen?" She asks, sitting up straighter and setting her book down.
I move to the end of Y/N's bed, pulling up my legs and leaning my chin on my knees. I look down at Y/N's covers for a long moment before looking up at Y/N. She waits patiently, holding a pillow in her arms. I can tell she's worried because she plays with a loose string of the pillowcase. I know I'm nervous because I shake and tremble.
"I have to tell you something, and you aren't allowed to tell anybody," I say slowly, registering each word I say out loud in my head. "Ok?"
Y/N's brow furrows, and her eyes flicker from my eyes to her socks before looking back up with a solemn look, "I promise I won't tell."
I take a deep breath, my knees shaking in my arms, "The day-" Get your shit together, Pansy, "The day the Dark Lord called me out, he took me...to the basement, and brought me to a room. Adr- Adrian was down there in chains- and- and he was chained to the wall.
"And maybe you've noticed that Adrian's not at school...? Well- well it's because...because when I got down there- the Dark Lord he- and then I was-
"The Dark Lord he w- wanted- wanted me to-
"...Pansy," Y/N says softly, as I choke on tears and my own breath.
I've never said it out loud. There was never a reason to. I wasn't even going to tell anybody ever. Yet here I am looking pathetic, as always trying to explain the death of my ex-boyfriend. Absolutely pathetic.
I take a shaky breath and wipe my bothersome tears before continuing, "To kill Adrian, and I- I didn't want to, but- but it was me- me or h-him. But then- he- Adrian started talking- talking about- nevermind and-
"And then my wand was right there- right there at his neck and then- then he was...dead. I...I- I k-killed him."
I meant to continue speaking. To explain myself. To get Y/N to understand more. But I can't find a part of me that wants to keep talking. Adrian's death is my fault, and I've just admitted to being a murderer.
Y/N doesn't even like me, and now, and now she knows what I thought I'd keep locked up forever.
My entire body shakes uncontrollably, and I can't get myself to stop. As I've tried to explain to Y/N what's happened, the flashbacks flicker in my head. How he was chained to the wall. How cold his skin was when I touched it. How empty his eyes were. How he was almost already gone before he really was.
Whenever I think about it, it haunts me. My trauma is what holds me back. If I get a little too happy, a little too selfish, a little too hopeful, I remember. I remember what's been taken from me and all the things I'll never get back.
Y/N Y/L/N
As Pansy shakes in front of you, you don't know what to say. You don't know what she wants to hear. You don't know if she wants to hear anything at all.
Pansy looks down at her socks, and her body is still trembling. She looked lost somewhere in her head. Probably psyching herself out.
"Even though- even though it doesn't feel like you did the right thing..." you speak lowly, trying to fully understand the circumstances and what went down in her situation, "...you did. Even though Adrian was a douche at the end when you dated, he doesn't want you dead."
Pansy's trembling for the briefest moment stop, only for a second before they resume.
"Pansy, listen to me," you swallow. Your heart aches as Pansy cries over Adrian. You wanted to tell her that your parents were dead and cry with her but now was not the time. "You didn't do anything wrong, ok?"
You wait for a response, but there is none. Pansy just keeps crying, and everything in you wants to comfort her, but you can't figure out what to say.
It was strange to see Pansy crying. It always was. You were so used to her being the stable figure, the one who always had remark, sarcastic comment, and a quick rebuttal. But now she's in complete shatters, and all you're doing is watching.
Adrian wouldn't want Pansy to cry, but you weren't going to tell her not to sob over somebody she once loved.
*****
You're cradled in Theo's arms as he smokes. You rest your head on his chest, and you can hear his heart thumping. It's soft and on rhythm. It was strange, but even though Theo wasn't really moving, something in his energy rushed. It was something you recently started paying more attention to.
It was hard to explain, but in your head, it all made sense.
The oddest sensation of, the longer you were with Theo, the farther away he felt. Every time you thought about it, it seemed that Theo took another leap away from you. Even now, as you can feel the rise and fall of his chest, he feels miles away.
Maybe a small part of you wanted him far off. Just in case for if you broke up, it wouldn't hurt as much. So the next time your heart shatters, the drop won't be as high. The farther Theo stood, the safer you felt, even though it felt like you were losing him.
You'd become hooked on Theo ever since the first time you kissed. But what had you really been hooked on? You didn't want to answer that question. It was too dangerous if the answer you hoped for isn't the answer you'd receive.
You wanted Theo to stay where he was, by your side forever. It was a selfish thing to want him when you weren't sure if loved him the way you should. You were too attached to the comfort he held. The warmth, that was your new addiction.
"Theo?" You ask softly, your body beginning to drift away into a deep sleep.
Your eyelashes flutter as you look at Theo, only being able to catch the shadow of his face. You receive no reply, and you can only guess he's lost in thought just as you are.
Maybe what you think isn't the case. Maybe, it's all in your head. But for some reason, deep down, it felt like Theo couldn't stay in one spot. Because, Theo, he was always running.
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Thank you so much :)