Kaen's POV
I've been ignoring everyone's messages all day, including Ash's. She even knocked on my door earlier too, but I didn't answer.
What those people said earlier... it's been replaying in my head all day. Ash told me that I wasn't a monster... but I can't help but feel like I am. I never cared what anyone said about me before... but things are different now.
Suddenly, someone knocks on my door.
"Kaen, it's me. Open the door. I know you're home."
It's Del. I don't really want to see him either, honestly.
"Come on, bro. Open up."
Nope.
I hear the lock click, followed by the door swinging open.
"What the hell?"
"Did you really forget that I have a key?"
I sigh, "What do you want, Del?"
"It's after nine and you haven't said a word to anyone all day. I wanted to come check on my friend."
"I'm a big boy, D. I can take care of myself. I'm fine."
He walks in and closes the door. "We both know that's a lie. What's wrong? Ash is really worried... you should at least let her know you're okay and not dead."
"Except I'm not, Del."
He sits down next to me on the couch, "What's wrong?"
"Fuck... I don't even want to talk about it."
"It seems like it's bothering you... a lot... just tell me."
I sigh, "Fine. Earlier at school, I decided to skip class because I just wasn't in a good mood."
"Okay..."
"And I heard a few people talking about Ash and me."
"Ohh... I see."
"They said that I was too dangerous for her, and that I would hurt her some day. My blood was fucking boiling, D. I wanted to walk over there and tear them apart... but all I would be doing is proving them right."
He gives me a sympathetic look, "But you know it's not true, so why do you care so much?"
"They were calling her stupid for being with me, and that she deserves whatever happens to her. How fucked up is that? Even Ryder thinks that I'm no good for her. I don't give a fuck what they call me, but I won't let anyone talk or think bad about her just because of me. I won't. She doesn't fucking deserve it."
I can tell that he doesn't really know what to say, and I don't blame him.
"You know... I never told you this, but before we started actually dating... she came to my house one day. It was after I told you that I was already in love with her, and when I didn't go to school those few days. She came over because she was worried about me, just like always. I told her we couldn't be together because I'm destructive and dangerous... a monster. But she refused to believe any of it. She told me that she would never be scared of me, that she just wanted to be there for me."
"Well, that's a good thing, isn't it?"
"I knew she was going to have to deal with the repercussions of my fire... and it's not fair to her. It's not fair that everyone is talking shit about her and she has no idea. It's not fair that she's being called stupid because of me. And it's not fair that she's getting called a bad person for being with me."
"Kae—"
"I fucking told her," My jaw clenches, "I told her not to fall in love with me. Why... why did she have to go and do it? Why couldn't she just hate me like everyone else? Why did it have to fucking be her of all people? I finally did the impossible and found someone that I loved... who loved me back... and now I have to breakup with her."
"What? Kaen... no. You can't break up with her over this dumb shit."
"What choice do I have, D? I'm not gonna let another person's life get ruined because of me."
"Kaen... you know that's not what happened."
"You're the one other person in my life that I care about... and I ruined your life, too."
"Do I really look ruined to you? And that was so long ago, it doesn't even matter now."
"It does matter, Del! The only two people that I give a single fuck about, have had to deal with problems on accountability of me. It's not fucking fair."
He's silent for a moment, then speaks up. "So you break up with her. Then what? What are you gonna do after that, Kae? Go back to being alone and bitter?" His voice held anger in it as the words left his mouth.
"Yeah," I scoff, "I was born that way and that's how I'm always going to be. It's what I deserve."
"And you think that by telling her all of this, that she'll just let you go like nothing?"
"No, she'd never. I... have a plan of what I'm going to do."
Hearing myself explain my disgusting plan made me feel fucking sick. By the look on Del's face, I can tell he's feeling the same way.
He sighs, "If you do this... I don't know if she'll ever forgive you."
"That's the goal. I want her to hate me— it'll be easier for her to move on. She'll be better off without me in her life," I pause and sigh, "I know that this is going to be hard on you, too... I know you care about her a lot. But please... I have to do this."
It felt like I was begging him to understand why I needed to do this. It was sick, and twisted; nobody in their right mind would ever be able to understand this. I know he's trying hard to, but at this point... I don't really care if he understands or not, supports me or not. It's going to happen either way.
"Okay."
I know Del is probably really disappointed in me right now, but I have to do what I have to do. It's for Ash's own good. She needs to move on with her life... without me in it.
**The next day — Friday**
I barely got any sleep last night... I was up thinking about Ash. She's beautiful... and kind... smart. She's even pretty funny at times, too. She brings light into the room as soon as she walks in, and puts everyone in a great mood. She's always so positive, trying to find the good in any situation. But, she's also tough, and fearless. She knows how to stand up for herself and how to fight. She's stubborn, but in the way that she only wants what's best for you. She puts everyone before herself, even if it pains her.
She would die for me... and that's why I can't be with her. I don't want anyone to ever put themselves below me, especially her. She would risk everything if it meant saving me, and I can't let her do that. She deserves so much more than I'm able to give her.
I debated on not coming to school today, but that would only worry her more. So I'll suck it up, and just deal with today.
"Hey, babe." Ash smiles as she sits in the desk next to me.
"Hey."
"Everything okay? You didn't answer any of my texts yesterday and Del said you left early. I tried stopping by but you weren't home."
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"Oh... okay."
She turns back in her desk, and I can tell she has a sad expression on her face.
The air is room was thickened by the tension between us. It felt as if there was a giant wall separating us. Keeping us miles apart.
"Sup, Kae. Sup, Ash?"
"Hey, Del."
"You guys coming to my party tonight?"
"Nah."
"Lame. How bout' you, Ash?"
"Oh, I don't know. Why don't you want to go, babe?"
"I have something to do."
Lie.
"Oh... alright."
Del knows that I'm lying, and I know it's killing him having to play dumb.
This is really gonna fucking suck.