The by the end of the month, Kian had his cast removed and replaced with a brace. He could stand, but not for long periods of time. It was going to be desk work for awhile. He was sneaking doses here and there, convincing himself he could just wean himself off of them. He knew that it wasn't helping.
But what else could he do? He had no choice. The demons were everywhere, and if he didn't do anything he was going to lose Farrah and Haley
The painkillers helped, but not completely, and not without their toll. Haley was worried about him. But she was in her own depression.
She would cry herself to sleep every night.
She had been having nightmares about her miscarriage. Every night she cried out, waking up Kian. He would hold her close to him, stroking her hair, whispering words of comfort and hoping it would bring her some sense of relief. He didn't know what to do about it.
Haley would sit in the dark living room with her hands over her stomach. No one would even know she had carried a second child. Some fluke of nature had snuffed out her baby's life before it could even grow.
"I need this baby." She whispered, and she cried.
After the miscarriage, she had cried herself to sleep every night. It was the only time she let herself get more than just a little emotional. It was only on the nights that her and Kian would climb into bed, holding each other.
She looked out the window. No matter how amazing her life was, she couldn't be happy.She was so desperate to feel whole again; not be afraid of intimacy with the husband she adored and the little girl who loved them unconditionally. The pain was still small, like a splinter, but if she touched it, she'd remember where it had been.
Kian had been home alone when Marty stopped in for a visit. Marty recognized the tremors and his cousin's flushed face.
"Kian....are you using again?" he said in a low, quiet whisper.
Kian let out a shuddering breath, and nodded.
"Does Haley know?" He asked, his voice cracking.
"No." Kian said.
"I'm sorry, man...." Marty was quiet for a moment. "I think you should tell her. So she knows what she's up against. My parents are worried sick about you and Haley! You're her rock! If she finds out, she'll be crushed. I've seen her at work; she's like a zombie. Have you even noticed?Do you want to lose your family when she needs you the most? " Marty said.
"I know. It's just...it's hard to explain it..." Kian rubbed his face with both hands trying to compose himself. "I wish I could get better."
Marty shook his head and put his hand on Kian's shoulder.
Kian closed his eyes; Marty was right. He had let himself fall. How stupid was he?! He was letting a drug addiction destroy him and Haley. It was only a matter of time before his addiction consumed him completely. He had to pull himself together for his wife and daughter.
"I didn't think I'd sink this low. I don't know how I'll tell Haley.....she's hurting so much." He said.
"You're doing the right thing, cuz." Marty stood up to leave.
Kian watched him go. He knew that in his heart. Another wave of tremors hit him and he poured two pills into his palm. Kian looked at the pills. He couldn't take them. He had to think of Haley. She needed him. She always needed him. Farrah needed both of them. He had to be strong for them. He still needed to get off those pills. Stony faced, he flushed the rest down the toilet.
To stay strong, I will stay clean.
Kian repeated this over and over to himself, trying to hold back the tears. He knew he was a good husband and father.
He forgot to get rid of the empty bottle.