CHAPTER TWENTY.
As usual, Liliya couldn't sleep. But rather than the anticipation of nightmares or general insomnia, her want to see Aleksander was keeping her awake. In her head, she kept going over the conversations she could have with him. All the ways she could apologise and all the ways that he would take it. None of those apologises she had imagined took place in the middle of the night in his room yet here she was.
Her hand pressed against the door and debating whether to knock. She was only dressed in her nightgown and her hair was tied up in a loose messy bun. She was sure she looked awful, tired too but every part of her just wanted to see him. Needed to speak to him and she couldn't help herself.
Her knuckles wrapped against the door and she heard movement. The shuffling of feet and the placing down of something. She didn't know what but assumed it was likely a book. Aleksander always liked to read before bed, she had discovered. It was cute and she had found herself enjoying watching him read.
"Yes?" He asked as he opened the door. The person he had the least expected but also most expected stood on the other side. He stepped back and she sent him a soft tentative smile. The guilt twisting her up inside, "Yes?" He repeated, a coldness to his tone that she had entirely expected. She had slapped him. Hurt him. She felt idiotic.
"I wanted to apologise," She said quickly. Aleksander watched her for a moment before he nodded and stepped back, gesturing for her to come in. She stepped inside but kept close to the door which he closed to avoid them being overheard.
"Go on," He urged as he moved over to grab the book from his bedside table. He then slid it back onto his shelf and turned to face her. His hands resting at his sides.
"I'm sorry. It was never my intention to hurt you, it just... happened and I didn't know what I was thinking. I understand your annoyance," Liliya said before she stepped back towards the door. If she just left the room, she didn't have to see how he reacted. She could escape and hope that it went well without truly knowing. This wasn't how she imagined she be either but there she was, wanting to run from her conflicts. Not much had changed.
"Don't leave, milaya. Come here," He urged as he held out his hand. The redhead turned back to look at him and she walked closer to him, gently taking his hand. He then pulled her against his chest and she stumbled slightly before resting her head, listening to his heart beating. It was soft and he was completely calm, "I was not annoyed. I simply needed to think. A lot has happened," He explained as he moved his hand into her hair. His fingers gently running through her hair and she nodded. Her head tilted forward and she had to fight the urge to press a soft kiss to his bare chest. There was still the faint marks from their nights together and it made her smile to herself.
"I know," She said softly. He nodded and then ran his fingers through her hair, taking in the smell of her hair before he stepped back.
"Did you just want to apologise?" He asked. Liliya shrugged. She wasn't entirely sure what she wanted but all she knew is that she missed him. Missed him far too much for it to be normal. It was scary.
"I just wanted to see you," She admitted. He smiled softly and lifted her chin up with his fingers. Looking into her eyes as he tried to decipher exactly what she wanted. Seeing him meant a lot of things for them now, "Just to cuddle and sleep and talk. I missed you," She added. A tentative smile on his lips. He let his hand fall down to her shoulder and played with the strap on her shoulder for a moment.
"Let's get into bed, milaya," He said once he'd stepped back. She nodded and then he walked over. He pulled the covers back and slid underneath, gesturing for her to get in. Shuffling beside him, she rested her head against his chest. One lag wrapped over his hip and the other pressed between her body and his chest.
The two sat like that for a moment, just listening to each other's breathing. Her hands running through his hair aimlessly. Gently playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. It had grown a little longer, she noticed. Not much longer but he mustn't have cut it in a while. His beard was neatly trimmed as always.
"Are you comfortable?" She asked softly, realising how much pressure she was probably putting against his chest. He hummed in agreement, his eyes had fallen closed. She hadn't even notice but when she lifted her head, she did. The smile spreading across her face. He looked so relaxed and she lifted her hand to his face, gently running her fingers through his beard, "Am I really a Shadow Summoner?" She questioned. His eyes opened and he tilted his head down to meet her gaze. He then pressed a soft kiss to her lips. His hand, that had been resting between them, now moved to push hair out of her face.
"You are, milaya. We can start practising in the morning," He said softly. She nodded and then nuzzled her face into his neck again. The soft breathing filled the room again and eventually lulled them both to sleep.
***
"Focus on the shadows," He whispered in her ear. His hands moving to rest against her hips, straightening up her position. Liliya let out a soft sigh. It had been a few hours of them practicing in Aleksander's bedroom. It was early in the morning still, the sun had rose around half an hour ago but they were trying.
"I can't," She whined softly as she wiggled her hips against his touch. Aleksander pulled away from her and then he gestured rather gracefully. The room quickly became engulfed in shadows, a thick light that she couldn't see through. He then stepped further away from her and waited to see what she'd do, "Aleksander, I won't find you," Liliya said.
"Try," He repeated. So she did and she pushed her hands out. Seeking to push the shadows to one side. There was a glimmer of hope for a moment before it fell away and nothing happened. The spark inside her dimming out.
***
The dining room was completely dark. Aleksander had suggested that a bigger space might make it easier. Liliya had her doubts but the dining room was a perfect place. She knew that she could walk around it with her eyes closed and the plates had been cleared away. Her hands moved around in front of her but she could barely see the movements.
With a push of her hands, she managed to create a small circle around her. The shadows receding a few centimetres as she kept her hands in front of her. But then it faltered, she lost confidence and it drowned her again. A soft sigh escaped her lips and she looked around, trying to remember where Aleksander said he would be.
"I can't do this. It just won't work," Liliya complained as she walked through the shadows. They moved around her form, conforming to her figure as they did with anyone who walked within them. It wasn't hard to find Aleksander, she had managed to dodge the chairs and anything else that was in the way.
"You made a blockade of shadows to stop a bullet. You can do this," He responded. His voice sounded so far away and she spun on her heels. He had decided to move and she hated him for her. Her hands throwing out in hopes of a shadowless path appearing but nothing.
***
It was exhausting and as Liliya lay in Aleksander's bed one night, she was close to giving up. The door was open still and the shadow person hadn't appeared again. That meant that it must be inside her, part of her but she couldn't get to it. Something was just stopping her and it was becoming exhausting trying and failing.
Aleksander had been patient so far but she knew that it wouldn't last for long. It never did. He was only patient when he needed to be and Liliya was disposable, really. It was just a power that she couldn't access.
"I can hear you thinking from the ensuite," Aleksander commented as he walked over to her. She hummed in response before turning to look at him. The towel wrapped around his waist. His hair was towel-dried and he looked gorgeous. Everything on show but she moved her gaze away.
"Sorry. I'm just thinking about the shadows. I don't know why they aren't working," She admitted. Aleksander pulled his towel off and then grabbed his underwear, slipping it on before grabbing his pyjama pants.
"They work. You just haven't harnessed them yet," He responded as he turned around to slide into bed next to her. He lay with his back on the mattress and gaze on the ceiling. Liliya instinctively cuddling up to his side as she let out a soft sigh.
"I don't want to be like my father," She muttered softly. Aleksander nodded and then moved his hand into her hair, running his fingers through her red tresses.
"You won't be. You will use them for the good of Ravka," He said simply. Liliya nodded and then let her eyes fall close. She was exhausted. Maybe tomorrow would be better.
***
The grounds were dark. Even the sun seemed to have been blocked out leaving her and complete and utter darkness. Her hands held out in front of her and she let out a soft sigh. There was no point in trying, she knew that she would fail. She would always fail. It was exhausting.
Then she felt a hand on her hip and a head by her ear. Aleksander whispered "let me help," softly before the power surged through her veins. Her hands pressed forward and the shadows manipulated to her thoughts. Pulling to one side and allowing her a clear path out of the dark area. If only it was that easy for the Fold.
She felt the hand move off her arm and she pulled her hands back receding the power. Her heart was racing. She had done it and she turned around to kiss Aleksander for helping but he wasn't there.
"Try again and find me," Aleksander said. His voice sounded like it was towards the right of her and so she pushed her hands forward. To her surprise, the path appeared revealing Aleksander. He was dressed in his kefta and he seemed impressed by her. A grin spread across her face and she found it easy to sustain as she strolled through. Her hands resting at her sides as she smiled.
"It worked," She said. He nodded and then pulled her into a soft kiss.
***
It was the early morning and the sunlight was leaking into the bedroom. Liliya was lying on the bed while Aleksander took his bath. Her hands were held above her head and she found herself practicing the movements. Trying to find the most fluid way to bring the shadows in and without even meaning to, they swarmed the room.
"Oh..." She said as she let her hands drop. Sustaining them and staring in awe. They almost shimmered with how black they were. It was amazing. With another quick hand movement they had receded and she grinned even wider. She had actually done it without Aleksander's assistance. So far, he had been giving her that confidence boost and she had been able to do it after. But now, not it was her.
Her hands moved in quick succession and the shadow tendril appeared, picking up a book from the shelf. A grin spread across her face and she pushed the book back in before letting the shadows drop into nothing. She had actually done it.
***
After weeks, Liliya finally felt like she had some sort of grasp on her abilities. The shadows followed her every beck and call and though she wasn't - and likely never would be - as powerful as Aleksander. It felt good. Everything she had used it for hadn't harmed anyone and that's what she wanted. She didn't want to be like Isaak. She could never be like him.
Her hands moved to rest against her stomach as she stared up at the ceiling. It was late in the day and Aleksander was still in his office. He had been working and checking through. Doing everything he usually would. It was strange but also nice to me in his room again. It made her feel safe, there was something about him and his smell that brought her comfort. Comfort that she had never really got anywhere else.
A soft sigh left her lips as she rolled over onto her stomach, pulling the covers over herself as she rested her head in the mattress. Even despite everything that had happened, the innocent boy being killed. The assassin being dead at her own hands. She felt good. Aleksander made her feel good, better. It was so easy to forgot what had been done when he was with her.
But when he wasn't around and now she wasn't constantly occupied with Genya or Arina or somebody talking to her. Now that there wasn't constant battle plans or strategising or conversations about her powers or her relationship, all she could think about was the boy. The death that she had caused. The blood on her hands and it was exhausting.
She knew that she was to blame. She was to blame for a lot of deaths. Most of them were not even at her own hand but it was eating her up more than usually. She wasn't entirely sure how her mind had wondered to that topic. How the deaths had come back to haunt her. She still had infrequent but regular nightmares but nothing had occupied her mind as much as the deaths now did. It was scary how all-consuming the thoughts had been.
And the Sun Summoner. The real Sun Summoner was out there and Roma, Lev and Tomas were still tracking with no results. Aleksander only had so much patience. As she rolled over on the bed again, she decided to get up. Rolling around and shifting in bed waiting for him would get her nowhere and it was better to tell him.
He didn't know about Ivan and what had happened with him but she knew when to tell him everything was fine and knew when to lie. Any bruises she got from a conversation with Ivan just looked like another bruise from her nights with Aleksander. It was easy to hide and with Genya's help and constant companionship, she was fine with Aleksander never knowing at all.
Liliya was only in her nightdress and a loose dressing gown as she crossed through the war room. There wasn't anybody around which she was thankful for. It meant she didn't have to explain or cover up for someone else's sake.
His office door was ajar and she pushed it open, lightly knocking to alert him of her presence. Aleksander looked up and a smile spread across his face. Liliya smiled back and he placed his pen down.
"Are you alright, milaya?" He asked curiously. Liliya shrugged and pulled the dressing gown further over her shoulders. She suddenly realised how under-dressed she was and he likely thought this was something that she had no intention to make it. They just needed to talk about the Sun Summoner.
"Yeah. I was just thinking and I can't stop thinking about what happened before you brought me back to Os Alta," Liliya explained as she wrapped her arms around herself. The smile that appeared quickly turned back into an expression of neutrality and he stood up from his chair. He then walked over to her and held his hand out to her. She gently took a hold of it and he pulled her closer. His hand cupping her cheek.
"What are you thinking about?" Aleksander asked as he ran his fingers through her hair, pushing it out of her face. Liliya leant into his touch, letting her hands rest against his chest as she closed them. He always distracted her so well.
"The boy and the Sun Summoner and the assassin and the blood on my hands. I think it is worse than the blood on Isaak's," She muttered softly, her mouth falling into a frown. Aleksander tilted her head up by her chin, looking across her face. Her eyes opened again and she stared up at him. Her eyes were slightly glassy and he moved his hand into her hair, pulling her head against his chest. She wrapped her arms around his waist.
"The Sun Summoner is being tracked still. He will be found," Aleksander said simply. Liliya sighed and nuzzled her face into his chest, wanting to hide from the world. The thoughts in her head were bound to become reality at some point. Somebody would realise she was a murderer and she would be treated as she should.
"The boy, the assassin. The man who stabbed me in the Little Palace. They are all dead because of me and that's... that's not even including the countless people who have died under my orders. Our missions to Shu Han to find the Sun Summoner. Ivan killed so many because I was too exhausted to do it myself," Liliya rambled slightly. Her words were muffled but Aleksander heard them. His hand running through her hair, trying to soothe her. He was silent for a long moment, allowing her to wallow.
"War brings causalities," He said. His statement was simple yet so poignant. They were all causalities of war, the wars that Ravka was still fighting. Within the country and on the borders but she didn't understand what the point in fighting this war was. She pulled back and flicked away the tears that had spilled from her cheeks. She cleared her throat and smiled up at him though it was a sad smile.
"You're right. I'm sorry, I'll allow you to finish," Liliya muttered as she stepped back. Aleksander shook his head and pulled her back into his chest. His hand cupping her cheek before he pressed a soft kiss to her lips. She melted under his touch.
"Blood on your hands or otherwise, you are still mine," He whispered into her ear. His words causing a shiver to run down her spine. Her eyes finding his and she cupped his cheeks, pulling him into a kiss. Her fingers cupping his jaw before she pulled back. He pressed a kiss to her cheek before he allowed her to step back, "I have one matter to wrap up and then I will come to bed," He explained. Liliya nodded. Her cheeks were hot and flushed but she tried her best to act natural. Her hands burying in her pockets as she began to walk away.
"Aleksander, can I ask something of you?" Liliya asked as she turned around. A soft smile on her lips. He looked up from his desk and nodded his head, urging her to go on, "Could we find the Sun Summoner?" She asked. Aleksander placed his pen down and leant back in his chair. His eyes searching hers.
"Mila-" He began but she stepped closer and cut him off. She pulled the dressing gown around her a little tighter. She didn't want to seem like she was using her body that he seemed to adore against him. A part of her really wished she had got properly dressed before she came here.
"I know you want to keep me protected but together. If we join Roma, Lev and Tomas, we could find the Sun Summoner. It's been weeks and I don't know what game the boy is playing but if we find him, it will come to an end," She explained, stepping closer to the desk again. Aleksander kept her gaze until she eventually looked to the ground. Shuffling her bare feet against the cold wooden floor.
"You will become reckless and we were lucky last time. You were shot," He commented. Liliya sighed and bit her bottom lip before she looked up again.
"I will follow your orders, I won't stray far away and every move will be planned. I won't go off on my own again. I will stick by your side or someone's side whenever we are unsafe. I promise. Please, Aleksander, now that I know how to control the shadows, I feel useless. I just want to do something good," Liliya begged softly. Aleksander watched her for a moment before he gave in and nodded his head.
"We will plan ahead this time," He commented and Liliya nodded her head. She had been reckless and brash last time but she knew he wouldn't stand for that again. So, she nodded again in reassurance before leaving to go back to his room.
Moving through the war room, she walked into the bedroom and collapsed on the bed. Her hands resting on her stomach and a grin spread across her face. She was just glad that she was able to get out there. Being trapped in the Little Palace would only make her over think. The Boy was the perfect scapegoat for her to have an excuse to leave. It also meant she could impress him if she found the Boy.
Now it was just a matter of working out when they would leave.
***
author's note! hello my lovelies! so, hey, here's a chapter, ITS JUST FULL OF KIRIGAN AND LILIYA CAUSE THEY ARE MY BABIES, sorry... uh, yeah, i'm on a bit of a tortured soul kick and i'm currently doing a 10k writing day and i've been writing it all day... i am now writing up to chapter twenty-three... it's GETTING REALLY CLOSE TO THE END, LIKE IDK MAYBE eight chapters at MOST but that's unlikely, but yeah, here's the chapter, enjoy the soft kirigan :)))