Fifty-ninth Chase
Fourth year college. October.
Tumakbo ako papunta sa playground. I want to chase my happiness, pero kung gagawin ko 'yun, ayokong may matapakang ibang tao. Lalong-lalo na si Zeke, ayokong mas saktan pa siya.
5:42 pm, nakarating ako sa playground. I saw Zeke sitting on a swing. Nakatungo siya.
"Zeke," I called loudly.
Tumingala siya and when our eyes met, he instantly smiled wildely. Kumikirot yung puso ko. I hate that I have to do this to him. Pero hindi ko na kayang lokohin yung sarili ko. Nagkahiwalay man kami ni Jasper, but I never stopped loving him, niloloko ko lang yung sarili ko. I thought that I didn't deserve him so I let him go pero kahit ganon, hindi ko pa rin kayang makita siya na may iba because I still really love him. At siguro nga, tama yung sinabi ni Maggie noon, a part of me feels na may utang na loob ako kay Zeke for taking care of me and my family.
Tumayo siya. He hugged me the moment he saw me.
"Charm." He sighed in relief. "Thank God you came."
I couldn't hug him back. Hindi ko na napigilan, my eyes started welling up. "I'm sorry." Bulong ko kay Zeke.
Sinubukang humiwalay ni Zeke mula sa pagkakayakap niya sa'kin but I didn't let him. Hinawakan ko yung laylayan ng shirt niya. I can't face him yet. I can't look at him in the eyes when I know that this will hurt him.
"I'm so sorry, Zeke. I'm sorry."
Huminga siya ng malalim. "Bakit mo ko pinuntahan ngayon, Charm?" Tahimik niyang tanong.
"You'll find someone better than me someday. Yung taong hindi ka sasaktan tulad ng ilang beses ko nang ginagawa. And you'll love her more than you've ever loved me."
Niyakap ako ulit ni Zeke. Pinatong niya yung ulo niya sa ulo ko.
"I lost you the moment I pushed away because of Tiffany, right? Kasi nung panahong 'yun, pinagtulakan rin kita papunta kay Jasper."
"I'm sorry." Ulit ko ulit.
"Stop saying sorry." Naghiwalay kami ni Zeke. He's staring at me and I stared back. "At wag ka nang umiyak. Okay lang 'to. Siguro nga, may parte ko na alam naman na si Jasper na talaga yung mahal mo simula pa lang. Iniisip ko lang na, pwede akong maging katulad mo for once. Na ako naman yung hahabol sa'yo, ako yung lalaban para sa'tin, tulad ng lagi mong ginagawa noon pa." Ngumiti siya ng malungkot. "Pero di ko pala kaya gawin yung ginagawa mo. Iba ka talaga Charm, at nagawa mo kong mahabol at maabutan noon." Tumawa si Zeke.
I bit my lip. I took Zeke's hand at inilagay ko doon yung singsing at bracelet na binigay niya sa'kin.
Tumingin siya sa'kin. "Bakit pati yung bracelet na binigay ko sa'yo noon, binabalik mo sa'kin?"
Because what Jasper said all those months ago was true. "That's the point. Pinanghahawakan mo 'yan tulad ng pagkapit mo sa inyo ni Kuya Zeke. That bracelet is the symbol of what you two had together. Let that gift go, and the next step is to let him go."
"You know, when you gave me that bracelet six years ago? Nung December 24 noong third year high school ako. That night, sabi ko sa sarili ko, tayo na hanggang sa huli. We're unbreakable, kakayanin nating lagpasan lahat ng pagsubok na dadating sa'tin. And someday, we'll get married. That night, I imagined a future for us. And that bracelet is a symbol of what I felt that night. So I can't keep it." Tumango si Zeke.
"Do you regret that night?" Tahimik niyang tanong.
Agad akong umiling. "And I don't regret anything that happened between us, either."
"Even the messy, painful parts?"
"Even that. Even the times that I was chasing you. Even the times na nagpakagaga ako. Because I learned a lot from it. I grew up. I will never regret that you're my first love." Kasi, dahil sa pagmamahal ko kay Zeke, natuto ako kung ano ba yung tinatawag at kinababaliwan ng mga tao na 'love'. Natuto ako na dapat ipaglaban yung pagmamahal mo. Natuto ako na minsan hindi sapat yung pagmamahal lang, kailangan mo ring magtiwala sa taong mahal mo. That first never really dies, and your first love is irreplaceable. Pero magbabago yung puso. Matuto kang magmahal ng ibang tao, higit pa sa first love mo. And this time, you now know the right recipe for a successful relationship. Konting tiwala, konting pasensya, konting tapang, at maraming pagmamahal.
"You'll always be important to me, Charm." Zeke said sincerely.
"Like you are to me, Zeke."
"We're still friends, right?"
"Kung gusto mo pa."
"Syempre, gusto ko. Punta ka sa airport bukas pag-alis ko ah? Gusto kong magpaalam sa inyong lahat ng maayos sa pagkakataong 'to."
I nodded.
"Sige. Bye, Charm." He smiled na para bang alam niyang may iba pa kong hinahabol ngayon. He's still the same. Kilalang kilala pa rin niya ko. Alam pa rin niya kahit yung mga bagay na hindi ko sinasabi sa kanya.
I smiled and walked away.
5:54 pm, I ran again. As fast as I could. As hard as I could. I ran as if my life depended on it. I ran even though I hate running. Nagsimula nang umambon at nawala na kanina pa yung mga sapatos ko. Maputik na yung paa ko pero tumakbo pa rin ako.
6:09 pm, nine minutes after six. I was nine minutes late and he's gone. Wala nang tao sa amphiteather. Hindi ko na naabutan si Jasper doon.
Pagod na ko, madumi na at basa pa. But I can't stop right now. I can't give up. I won't give Jasper up. I may be too late pero hahabulin ko pa rin siya hanggang sa maabutan ko siya.
Sumilong ako sa malapit na building at agad na tinawagan si Ella.
I sighed in relief nung sumagot siya sa phone. "Cha? Bakit ka tumawag?"
"San ginaganap yang party ng Papa ni Jasper?"
"Huh? Sa Greenlounge Events Place." I know that place. Pero medyo malayo siya.
"Nandiyan na ba si Jasper?"
"Wala pa. Hindi kayo magkasama?" Bakas sa boses ni Ella na dismayado siya.
"Hindi pa." I told her. Tumakbo ako papunta sa sakayan. Ilang taxi ang dumaan bago may isang naawa sa'kin driver at pinasakay ako kahit pa basa ako at maputik yung mga paa ko.
Agad kong sinabi sa kanya yung lugar and he sped away.
Fifteen minutes later, nagtext sa'kin si Ella.
Nandito na daw si Jasper.
Kinabahan ako bigla. Kasama ba niya si Meg? I texted back, Is he with someone?
Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko pa siya nakikita. Si Gino lang nagsabi sa'kin na nandito na siya. Hahanapin ko siya and I'll text you.
Thanks, Ella.
Seven o'clock na ko nakarating doon sa lugar. Semi-formal ang theme nung party. I was wearing a wet and dirty business attire. Medyo tuyo na ko pero wala pa rin akong sapatos. Pinapagpag ko yung suot kong pencil skirt, I took a deep breath and entered the place.
Naghihintay sa entrance si Ella. Nanlaki yung mga mata niya nung makita niya ko.
"Anong nangyari sa'yo?"
"Mahabang kwento. Si Jasper?"
"Hindi ko pa rin siya nakikita, sorry. Masyadong maraming tao."
Tumanga ako. Tama lang 'yun. May kailangan muna akong gawin bago kausapin si Jasper. "Si Tiffany?"
"Huh? Si Ate Tiffany? Bakit?"
"Kailangan ko siyang kausapin."
"Um, okay. Alam ko kung san yung table niya. Tara." Pumasok si Ella sa loob at sumunod ako. Marami sa mga bisita ang tumingin sa'kin nang nakataas ng kilay. Probably wondering kung pulubi ba ko. I ignored them. "Ayun siya oh." Tinuro ni Ella ang isang babaeng nakasuot ng itim na dress.
I nodded and thanked her before walking towards Tiffany. Meron siyang kausap na dalawang babae na halos kasing-edad namin.
"Tiffany." I called her.
Bakas sa mukha niya yung gulat nung makita niya ko. "Cha? Anong ginagawa mo dito? Teka, bakit ganyan yung suot mo?"
"I need to talk you."
Tumingin siya sa mga kasama niya. "This is Cha, a friend of Jas. Cha, si Steph at si Jillian, mga pinsan namin ni Jasper." Ngumiti yung dalawa sa'kin and I shook their hands. I felt myself blush in embarassment. Una, kasi narealize kong napapaligiran ako ng mga kamag-anak ni Jasper at ganito yung hitsura ko. This isn't really how I imagined meeting his whole family. And second, dahil pinakilala ako ni Tiffany bilang kaibigan ni Jasper and she didn't even say a single bad word about me. I felt guilty, because after everything I did to her and to Jasper, I felt like I didn't deserve her kindness.
Humarap sa'kin si TIffany nung makaalis na yung mga pinsan niya. "Hinahanap mo ba si Jasper, Cha?"
Umiling ako. "I want to talk to you first."
Mas dumiretso siya ng tayo and her face suddenly looked serious. She must havve sensed that I meant business. "Okay, bakit?"
"Tungkol sa sinabi mo nung huli tayong mag-usap. That I didn't deserve Jasper kasi sasaktan ko lang siya at mas mabuti pang mapunta na lang siya sa isang babaeng hindi gagawin sa kanya yung mga ginawa ko. You know what? You're right about everything you said. At alam ko ring marami akong nagawang hindi maganda sa'yo noon at baka hindi mo na ko mapatawad ulit. But I want you to know, that I'm not going to give up on Jasper unless siya na mismo yung magpalayo sa'kin."
Tiffany's eyes were unreadable and honestly, that was making me nervous. But still, I continued talking.
"I love him. I really do. So I will fight for him and I will do everything to be someone that deserves him. Hindi ko sinasabing hindi ko na siya masasaktan, kasi makakagawa at makakagawa ako ng pagkakamali kahit hindi ko gustuhin. But one thing's for sure, I won't give up on him, on us. I will work hard for our relationship and I will believe in him and the love that he has for me. At Tiffany, a part of being someone who deserves him is earning your forgiveness. I'm sorry for everything I did to you before, for ruining your relationship with Zeke, for giving you a hard time, for hurting you, and for going against your wishes this time. Hindi ko na mababago yung mga nagawa ko, I can only promise na hindi ko na ulit gagawin yun. And I... I just, honestly, honestly love Jasper. Kaya sana, hindi ka tumutol sa'ming dalawa kasi siguradong masasaktan si Jasper pag nangyari 'yun. And I don't want that to happen. So I'll do everthing until you approve me for him again."
For a while, tahimik lang si Tiffany na nakatitig sa'kin. And I was about to beg for her forgiveness nung ngumiti siya.
"Late ka."
Hindi ko ineexpect yung sinabi niya kaya nagulat ako. "H-ha?"
"You're more than six months late actually."
"Hindi ko maintindihan."
"You remember what I told you before? That I want us to be friends for my brother? Mula noon hanggang ngayon, totoo pa rin 'yung sinabi kong 'yun. My brother's happiest when he's with you at hindi ko pipigilan yun, Cha. Kaya lang kita pinalayo noon because I wanted you to fight for my brother. You fought for Zeke, my brother fought for you, but I've never seen you fight for my brother. At natatakot akong pagdating ng panahon, basta basta ka na lang maggigive up sa kapatid ko. So I wanted to test you, kung magagawa mo rin bang ipaglaban yung kapatid ko. And you did. Right now. Late nga lang pero sabi nga nila, better late than never, hindi ba?"
Nakahinga ako ng maluwag dahil sa sinabi ni Tiffany. She doesn't hate me! Hindi siya tutol sa'min ni Jasper. She really is kind. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ko ito agad nakita noon. "Thank you, Tiffany. Thank you so much." I told her gratefully.
Tumango siya. "Puntahan mo na siya ngayon."
"Nasan siya?"
"I'm sorry, Cha. Hindi ko pa rin nakikita ngayong gabi si Jasper. Hindi rin niya sinasagot yung phone niya nung tumawag ako sa kanya kanina. But I know he's here somewhere."
Tumango ako at tumingin sa paligid.
"But there's a way you could reach him kahit pa nasan man siya ngayon dito sa kwartong 'to."
Tumingin ako kay Tiffany. "Pano?"
Tinuro niya yung stage na may mic sa gitna. "The stage is all yours, if you want it."
I bit my lip. Masyadong maraming tao na nakabihis nang magaganda rito. Karamihan sa kanila, kamag-anak pa ni Jasper. But I want to fight for him and I will.
Tumungtong ako sa stage. Nagtinginan yung mga tao. Nakita ko si Ella na katabi ni Gino, nagthumbs up silang dalawa sa'kin. I looked at Tiffany, she nodded encouragingly at me. I saw Jasper's parents, pumalakpak at tumalon talon yung Mama niya nung makita ako while his dad just stared at me. And I still can't see Jasper anywhere.
I took a deep breath at nagsalita doon sa mic, "Hi, uh, everyone. Nagtataka siguro kayo kung bakit may madungis na babae dito sa stage. Wag po kayong mag-alala, hindi ako baliw at hindi rin po ako pulubing nanghihingi ng abuloy." Nagtawanan yung mga tao sa sinabi ko. "I'm actually looking for someone. Someone that I've hurt terribly. Someone who's always been there for me. Someone I took for granted. And someone that I love very much. Jasper kung naririnig mo ko ngayon, nakikita mo naman siguro na pinagmumukha ko nang tanga yung sarili ko sa harap ng mga kamag-anak mo kaya utang na loob, magpakita ka na sa'kin dahil kailangan kitang makausap."
Nagkantyawan yung mga tao. Mula sa kanan ko, nakita ko sina Alex at Roj na tinulak papunta sa harapan ng stage, sa harap ko, si Jasper. Sinamaan niya ng tingin yung mga kaibigan niya na nagtawanan lang. And then he looked at me. He wasn't smiling. Nakahalukipkip siya at seryosong nakatignin sa'kin and I kind of felt intimated. Galit ba siya sa'kin? Is he with someone else tonight? Tumingin ako sa paligid. No signs of Meg, no other girl na biglang mag-eeskandalo dahil inaagaw k yung date niya. Jasper waited for me so I could be his date and I didn't come on time and yet, he didn't bring any other girl to this party.
"Jasper, I love you." Diretsong sabi ko because I can't see any other way to start this speech. "And I'm so sorry for everything I did. For not trusting you enough, for giving up on you easily, for running away from you and for not coming on time. Jasper, dumating ako kanina. Nalate lang ako ng nine minutes dahil kinailangan ko pang ayusin yung mga bagay na hindi tapos. Pero okay na yung lahat ngayon. At alam ko na baka galit ka sa'kin ngayon and I understand why. I'll earn your forgiveness no matter how long it takes but please, tell me that you'll accept me back."
Naghiyawan yung mga tao at sinasabihan nila si Jasper na patawarin ako. Natawa ako nung isa yung mama niya sa mga pinakamalakas na sigaw.
But Jasper's face remained stoic. Kinakabahan na ko dahil pakiramdam ko babastedin ako ni Jasper sa harap ng maraming tao but I met Tiffany's eyes and it looked like she was trying to tell me something.
Oh, right. Ano nga bang sinabi niya nung unang beses na mag-away kami ni Jasper? "You know Zeke inside out at ako naman, kilalang kilala ko yung kapatid ko. Hindi naman 'yan nagagalit ng matagal. He's a happy-go-lucky guy. Hindi siya yung tipo ng taong nagtatanim ng sama ng loob. Mabilis mawala yung galit niya. Siguro ngayon nga, hindi na yan galit sa'yo at umaarte na lang siya. Whatever you did, just prove to him that you're sorry. Babalik na 'yan sa dati."
I need to prove to him that I'm sorry. Ano nga bang pinagawa niya sa'kin noon? He asked me to sing. Oh! May ideyang pumasok sa isip ko. I smiled.
"Meron po bang may dala ng gitara dito?' Tanong ko sa mic.
Maraming sumagot ng 'wala'. Nanlumo ako. "May piano doon sa gilid!" Sigaw ni Ella.
"Pwede na 'yun! Uh, meron bang marunong tumugtog ng piano?"
"I can." Nagulat ako nung si Tiffany yung sumagot. Lumapit siya sa'kin at bumulong, "What do you want me to play?"
"Um, medyo marami. Well, depende kung gaano katagal bago ako patawarin ni Jasper?"
Tumawa siya. "Okay, just tell me the songs."
I nodded and told her the title of the first song. "Don't you remember you told me you loved me, baby? You said you'd be coming back this way again, baby. Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh baby, I love you... I really do..."
Ibinaba ni Jasper yung mga kamay niya. Tumaas yung mga kilay niya, from surprise, maybe.
"Uh, next song..." Binulong ko kay Tiffany yung title and I started singing again. "Baby, it's you! You're the one I love. You're the one I need. You're the only one I see. Come on, baby, it's youuu. You're the one that gives your all. You're the one I can always call, when I need, you make everything stop! Finally, you put my love on top!''
Nagpalakpakan yung mga tao. The corner of Jasper's lips twitched at mukhang pinipigilan niyang mapangiti. It looks like he realized what I was doing.
The next few songs were a blur. I sang, "But, baby, now, take me into your loving arms. Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars. Place your head on my beating heart. Thinking out loud, that maybe we found love right where we are," kung saan pumiyok ako dahil hindi ko keri yung klase ng timbre ng boses ni Ed Sheeran at kung san ngumiti na sa wakas si Jasper.
I sang, "Oh baby, baby, dancing in the moonlight. Oh baby, baby, got me feeling so right," nang paulit ulit dahil yun lang yung alam ko sa lyrics ng buong kanta. Dinaan ko na lang sayaw para bongga pa rin.
I sang, "Umuwi ka na baby, di na ako sanay nang wala ka. Mahirap ang mag-isa..." kung san nagtawanan yung mga tao.
And I sang, "Oh baby, baby, baby, my baby, baby, wu shang wubune shishiniiiii," na kinanta ko with feelings dahil hello? Meteor Garden 'yan. Legend! Kahit pa hindi ko naman talaga alam ang lyrics. Di bale na, hindi naman alam nung mga taong gawa-gawa ko lang yung mga kinanta ko. Pare-pareho lang naman naming di naintindihan yung kanta.
Nagpalakpakan yung mga tao habang tumatawa. Ngumiti ako nung nakita kong tumatawa na rin si Jasper habang naiiling.
"Jasper, hiyang hiya na ko pinaggagawa ko dito sa harapan ng buong pamilya mo. Wala na kong madagdag. Quota na ko sa mga kantang may baby. So please, patawarin mo na ko, baby?" I asked the last part sweetly and Jasper laughed.
He held out a hand and I took it at tumalon ako pababa ng stage.
"Tanggap mo nang baby kita?" Malambing na bulong ni Jasper sa'kin. Nanghihina na ata yung tuhod ko bigla dahil kinikilig ako nung niyakap niya ko.
"Basta ba boyfriend na kita ulit."
"Do you really love me?"
"So much. Do you still love me?"
"Yeah, I think I do. I love you, baby." Tumawa ako. Pero nawala agad yun, when he kissed me tenderly. Sa harapan ng buong pamilya niya at mga kaibigan nila.
"I still hate that endearment." I said a little breathlessly when he pulled away from me.
He grinned. "I know."
"Pero wala na kong kawala sa pagtawag mo sa'kin ng 'baby' mula ngayon no?"
"Yup. Pretty much."
"Well, that's okay with me. As long as you promise that you'll call me baby even though we're a hundred years old."
"Promise." Tumawa si Jasper. "So you're planning to grow old with me?"
"Planning? I'm not planning. Dahil hindi na 'to plano. Hell yeah, I'm going to grow old with you and our children and our grandbabies. I'll tell them all about our college and our story."
"Basta ba, wag mong kakalimutan sa kwento na ang dumi dumi mo." He wrinkled his nose. "Puro ka putik, Charm. San ka ba nagsususuot?" Tumawa siya.
I smiled. "I got lost and I got late, naulanan ako, nadumihan ako. Pero ang importante? Naabutan kita."
"Stupid. I told you before, right? I'll never run away from you. I was just waiting for you the whole time."
I smiled at that.
* * *
Nung second camp namin, we slept outisde, on the beach. Naglatag ng malaking sleeping bag and we cuddled there while watching the night sky.
"Bakit mo kinuha yung PE na 'to? Ayaw mong napapagod, di ba?" Tanong ni Jasper sa'kin habang nilalaro yung buhok ko.
"Sabi kasi ni Mitch, ang ganda raw magstargazing sa pupuntahan sa second camp." I replied honestly.
Humiwalay si Jasper sa'kin para matitigan niya ko sa mga mata. "Bakit?"
"Anong 'bakit'?"
'Hiwalay na tayo nung enrollment, di ba?"
"Ewan ko. Maybe I was thinking of you unconsciously nung pinili ko yung PE na 'to. Maybe I was always thinking of you even when we were not together, hindi ko lang maamin sa sarili ko."
Ngumiti si Jasper. "Nahawa ka na rin sa hilig ko magstargazing."
"Yeah, nahawa na ko pagka-dork mo."
Tumawa siya.
"Hey, Jasper?"
"Oh?"
"What happened between you and Meg?" Mukhang okay naman siya nung makita niya kaming magahawak ng kamay ni Jasper. Actually, mukhang lahat ng groupmates namin okay doon. Wala man lang nagulat. Or nagalit dahil naglihim kami ni Jasper at dahil mukhang inagaw ko si Jasper kay Meg.
"Magkaibigan kami."
"She likes you."
"Liked."
"Hm, alam niya yung tungkol sa'tin?"
"Alam ng buong grupo. Sinabi ko sa kanila pagkatapos nung first camp natin para hindi na nila ako asarin kay Meg."
Nilalaro ni Jasper yung kamay ko and I watched him. "So nung tinawag mo si Meg pagkauwi natin mula first camp, yun ay para sabihin sa kanya yung tungkol sa'tin?"
"Yeah, naisip ko na tama lang na sa kanya ko mismo sabihin muna. Sinabi ko rin sa kanya na kaibigan lang yung turing ko sa kanya."
I sighed, "I thought you were starting to fall for her. Akala ko siya yung dadalhin mong date sa party ng papa mo."
"Well, you should've known me better. I've always been in love with you, Charm. Even during those months that we weren't together. Ikaw lang."
I smiled. "I want us to get married on New Year's Eve."
"Gusto kong ikasal tayo sa ilalim ng mga bituin."
I laughed. "Okay, we'll do that both. Deal?"
Ngumiti si Jasper and he kissed my hand. "Deal."
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ONE CHAPTER LEEEEFT :(