BROKEN. | VINNIE HACKER | UNFINISHED!!!

002

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MENTIONS OF THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE
༄༄༄༄༄༄༄༄༄༄༄༄༄༄

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"here I am... again"
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YOU EVER HAD THIS FEELING THAT YOU JUST WANTED TO GIVE UP? The feeling that you don't matter and that people won't care if you're not on this earth anymore? The feeling that you're alone and that nobody seems to notice that you're hurting?

It's something that a lot of people feel, but only a few really speak it out loud. And by a few I mean, one in a million, maybe even a billion. You know why they never tell anyone? It's because they feel like they are just putting that weight on someone else, being a burden to someone. It's way easier to just carry it all by yourself. It's better that way, right? Just keeping everything you feel to yourself. Because you don't deserve to be happy. You don't deserve to have something that genuinely makes you feel loved. You just don't deserve it. You don't.

"You don't deserve it", I mumble to myself. I was sitting here at my quiet place, my peace. The place where I felt the closest to the person who I care about the most. My big brother. It was pitch black outside, the only thing giving some light was the moon. The moon, something that always mesmerized me. I find it weird that how it shines so bright at night, without any other source. And yes I know how it works, with it reflecting the light from the sun. But still, it's a mystery. That's maybe why I find the night to be my safe place. Mysterious, but still very clear. You never know what is on the other side of the night. Your day could be so wonderful, but when the night falls, it could turn into your worst day tomorrow. You never know.

The lake was reflecting the light from the moon. I could see the little snowflakes fall on the frozen lake in front of me. It made a white layer on top of the cold ice. Knowing that under the ice, there's a whole other world. Simple, but as equally cold as up here. This night didn't seem as cold as a normal winter night here in Seattle. It was snowing, but there was no breeze. Just utter and complete silence. Maybe that's a sign. A sign telling me to just go home. A sign telling me that my time isn't over yet, on this shitty world. A sign telling me to hesitate. Hesitate on life itself.

I think about my parents. Just for a split second, I think about my parents. The two persons that are supposed to make you feel safe. To make you feel loved and accepted for who you were and became. But growing up I felt the total opposite from that. I was on the background. In the background were nobody would notice me, not even my own parents. They cared so much about image and about what other people thought, that they didn't see that their two children were and still are struggling. They didn't see that we were screaming out for help. They didn't see that we were sinking, deeper and deeper every day. They only care about the outside world.

Sometimes I ask myself that if maybe, just maybe, it was my own fault. Being the person I am today. And partly I do blame myself for it. I made the choice to fall for the guy who I knew wouldn't be right for me, nor for anyone. I chose to become friends with particular people, dragging me into this dark world where I can't seem to find my way out of. I made those choices. But I didn't choose to have such different moods throughout the day. I didn't choose to tear myself down every day. I didn't choose to have such a negative mindset all the time. I didn't choose to, but it still happens. And I know they are not to blame for all that, but I still do. If it isn't my fault, then whose is it?

I look down at my left hand. I slowly open my fist looking at the different shapes and colors. Different sizes and different consequences. I close my hand again and look over the lake. The white lake, the lake that holds a special place in my heart. I let out a breath and a cloud of fog flows out of my mouth.

"Hey Nate", I say letting out a little smile, "here I am... again." I knew there wasn't going to be a response, but I still hoped. I still hoped to hear his voice one last time. "I miss you, dude", I whisper looking down at my hands. "I can't take this anymore. I can't take you not being here", I say, my voice slowly fading. "Two years, Nate. Two fucking years!", I scream out over the lake. My throat closed up making it harder to breathe. "W-why? Why didn't you take me with you?", I sob biting my lip hard, making me wince slightly. "You promised me... You promised me to never leave me", I whisper. "I'm sorry, I tried... I really tried, but it's too much... It's just too much", I say opening my fist again revealing the same things.

Pills. Just pills. To numb it all. To numb everything. "I'm sorry, Nate. I couldn't do it, I'm done", I whisper. I bring my hand to my mouth slowly thinking everything over. I'm about to drop them in my mouth, but I hear a twig snap behind me. I move my hand back and turned my head towards were sound originated from. Revealing a person. Maybe the devil is here to take me instead.

.~^*•__K speaks....

I really liked writing this chapter, idk why

Hope you liked it and stay tuned, because the next chapter is interesting :)))

Thank you for reading, oh and...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!