Daisy | Levi Ackerman

Chapter 44 - Begin Again

[Naomi]

Days passed on. They were distant from being short-lived. They were long, tedious, monotone and empty. Everything seemed to be gray with this heavy heart of mine, but somehow that gray was transitioning into white instead of black.

Though I suffered so much in a series of merciless blows; from every traumatizing thing that happened almost two months ago in Shiganshina, to having my uncle die in my helpless arms, to losing a life growing inside of me... I managed to somehow find sense in things.

As I lay there motionless, some days in my bed, others in my chair, staring into open space, I've been pondering and reflecting on the way I reacted to everything.

Perhaps my tragic miscarriage was a punishment to this unjust sentence I have bestowed upon the people I care for and love. Fate gave me an unborn child to symbolize how easily it can take away a life from me, to remind me that there was still a reason why I was alive.

At first, I got angry once more- continuously questioning this injustice that thundered down on me for countless dark days. I didn't agree with the fact that it was trying to teach me something, trying to enlighten me on a truth that I always had a tendency to deny.

That no one wanted anything that happened to happen. No one was to blame for the way things ended. I have lost an unborn life by plaguing my mind with nightmares and toxic thoughts, and for what?

It cost me that much. Because they were all so futile, so useless. This sudden death in the middle of all my remaining hope has shaken me to wake up to the truth that I was being completely selfish and unfair with my bitter judgments.

Lying in my bed, I could almost always hear both Uncle Erwin's and Armin's voices at the same time, ringing in my ear. Now that my mind was clearing out, I have realized how losing either one of them would be as painful. There was no such thing as a better choice; like Levi once told me. There's only a choice you'd regret less than the other.

If it were taken into perspective, still having Uncle Erwin would be beneficial to myself and others. Commander Hanji was correct- he possessed the best leadership abilities ever known to man, he had experiences that powered him more than enough to become more competent as he grew old. He was indispensable. And he had the right ambition to give flesh to that talent.

But Armin was, in almost the same way, incredibly gifted, too. I witnessed firsthand how amazing he was at the same things my Uncle was great at too.

I could even recall, at the first day since our graduation as cadets, how I had boasted my best friend's abilities on Commander Erwin- I could remember the exact, elated words I've uttered to show him how much faith I had in the abilities of Armin.

"I also know someone in the Corps that I believe is a great asset to the planning squad. I have mentioned him to you before."

"You mean... Arlert? Am I right?"

"Yes. We get along well because he complements my strategy techniques. I think, with more practice and experience, he might be a big help to you."

I vouched for him so confidently. I trusted in Armin's resolve, character and wisdom so much that it helped my Uncle Erwin gain his faith on him faster. Before he died, he had entrusted many important matters to this clever fifteen-year-old boy.

The only width that separated their competencies was that my uncle had past encounters that made him confident with his decisions.

They both had big dreams they desired to reach, and they both let those dreams slip away from their fingertips on the very moment they've decided to lay their lives for the ultimate sake of the greater good.