Daisy | Levi Ackerman

Chapter 41 - Perfectly Tailored Schemes

[Naomi]

"

Naomi,

It has been three weeks since I've last seen you smile. It hurts me, more than you know, to think that I somehow have a part in why that is so. I've never ever made you this upset, you once told me I was the only person in this world that you cannot be angry with, no matter what I do or who I am. Remembering those words now feels like daggers in my chest, but I don't blame you... I can't find a reason to.

I know to myself that it was not my decision to make to live- but it was mine to die. On the day I almost did, had it not been for Eren and Mikasa's intervention- I had it all in my mind, I had decided, and you were there wide-eyed to watch me do it. Sacrifice everything else, my dreams, my passion, my life with my friends- just so we could win the battle that day. I was prepared and more than willing to die for all those things.

I know Commander Erwin was, too- when he charged on the last stand to take on the Beast Titan- I know he had his mind clear, just like mine- we both knew, as we faced death head on, that after this mindless act we would never get a taste of what we were always fighting for.

I really do not know what to say to you- but I feel like I have to apologize. Your indifference to me has been killing me, Naomi. And whatever I could have done to get you into that darkness that surrounds you now, I'm sorry. I really am. I'll say sorry until my last breath- if it comes to then that you still can't forgive me.

I'm trying, Naomi. I'm trying to live up to the precious life you've lost. The precious life the whole of humanity has lost just to save a child like me. I hope you understand how much weight I carry and how difficult it is when I cannot share it with you.

I can understand why you're establishing space, and I will give you time. But I hope we can be friends again, like we were before everything else- as close as that, before it's too late. I've realized how much I was going to miss the people I was with every day while I lay conscious yet paralyzed, in the middle of life and death. And now it scares me.

Come back, please. Talk to us. Talk to me.

Armin

"

I stared into the letter for a long moment, unable to let the words that were swimming inside of my mind to cease down and just make themselves comprehensive. Perhaps, my own understanding of Armin's remarks to me about this situation was completely blocked by my bottled anger for them all.

Most of the frustrated anger I felt was not clear; from what or where was I reaping them. But they were existent, they were evident- and I could only keep them inside for this way until I've finally accepted that what has passed has passed, and readied to face on what was going next.

But no, at times like that, like this one right now, as I stand in front of my locker, holding his letter close to my eyes- I always find my mind drifting off to that day. I could be sitting around vacantly, but I would find my mind settling into that piece of bitter memory.

I could only remember so little of my life- and it has to be the most dreadful ones.

Feeling a burning sensation rush up my throat, I took the lighter from my locker quickly and flicked the fire on, waving it at the bottom edge of the letter I was holding- trying to ponder if incinerating this unreasonable, unwarranted apology was going to satisfy my frustration for the untimely death of my father-figure.

But as the little red firelight waned in the morning light of the third day I'd spent here at Trost; the place where the tightly-bonded friendship between me and Armin was birthed- I found myself unable to burn anything that reminded me of him.