SNL 2020

Bent pt1

(Goodness)

Anyways, that's for Christmas and I don't want you all to worry about that. Believe me, if I got Qing to buy me a new fridge that we didn't need because the one before that was still functioning well when we replaced it, I can easily get him to buy me a steam vacuum that I need to calm my OCD down. Don't worry *wink wink*

But back to my fun activity of beating down this carpet. I was in full protective gear when I got the carpet beater from the cleaning room and went to do my task. But in the middle of it, the carpet beater snapped and broke into two parts.

Me: (sighing at the broken carpet beater) We had a fun run, you and I. How long has it been? Three years? Yeah, those years were fun. You can rest now.

I chunked the broken carpet beater away. But now I have a problem, what will I use now to beat this carpet? Where can I find a long, sturdy stick I can use to beat the carpet while I am imagining that what I am beating are the heads of my enemies...

(Dayu ah, do you have lots of enemies?)

Not really. But I have them. And the fact that I can name them in one sitting is good because then...I will have a short list of enemies I will need to eliminate.

(Not literally, right? You will not commit any crime...)

Yes, because I think I won't survive being in jail. So I eliminate my enemies in my head. Only in my head do I give them beautiful deaths that would've receive applause in movies and dramas.

Anyways, enough about me imagining how to eliminate my enemies. I have to replace my broken carpet beater and I think I know what I can use to finish my task.

(Baba's golf club?)

Well, it makes sense. They are long and look sturdy enough. Heck, their long handles are made of metal, surely they can withstand the job I have in mind for them. So thats what I did. I hunt down Qing's golf bag and took of his clubs. I hefted it on my hands, swung it around or twice and thought to myself that I made the right decision to use a golf club to replace the carpet beater that I broke.

I mean, in hindsight...if I just know how much a golf club cost, I would never, and I mean NEVER, would have touched that thing.

But I was an innocent boy who doesn't know anything essential about golf except that its annoying as fuck to play. And I surely didn't know that to afford a golf club, a person needs to sell their good arm and a leg to buy one.

It's ridiculously expensive. How did I learn about that? Well, I broke Qing's golf club and because I have a conscience, at least when this all begun, I decided to replace it. I fired up my laptop to see how much it will cost me to replace it.

(How did you manage to break Baba's metal golf club?)

Well, the aim of my swing was off and it slammed against the wall and part of the door frame behind me that it got bent a little. In fairness to me, I said oops when I saw that it got bent.

(Baba is indeed crazy to be with you...)

Oi! Be careful in agreeing with Qing's point because then...who will be on my side? But maybe you are all right. I mean, Qing didn't accept that I felt guilty when I said I said oops when I broke his club. But thank goodness we have a security camera in the balcony. Remember that time I almost died because I stepped on a chair while in the balcony but that chair got broken and...

(Don't remind us...)

Right. Unpleasant memory for all of us. Well, I just want to remind you all that as a precautionary measure, because adding railings on our balcony is not enough for him, Qing hired people to install a security camera on our balcony. Its attached to a device with a memory card that holds all the video recording of what happens to the balcony. So I have a video evidence of me, looking crestfallen and guilty at the moment that I broke Qing's club.

But more on that later on. Lets go back to me feeling guilty that the golf club struck the wall and the handle was bent. I said oops, this is important, and I realized I have a problem in my hand. I have to unbent the handle of Qing's golf club.

So I ran back inside the house to get a hammer.

(A what?)

A hammer. So I can pound that bent handle back to being straight. Isnt that what one person has to do? I saw it being done to nails on construction projects to save nails. I thought if it works on bent nails, it could work on a gold club handle.

(Did it work?)

No. It almost did but my perfectionist side just won't quit. We couldn't pound the handle back to its perfects straight form so I hammered and hammered on it until it well...

Broke into two parts.

(Wow...)

Yeah, it was all a sad accident really...

(Dayu ah!)

Oh! Alright. So its all my fault. I get it now. But don't blame me for what happened next because when I used the internet to see how much a golf club cost...that was just ridiculous. It was ridiculously expensive. I...can't in good conscience use my money to buy something that expensive because of one sad little accident...

(It was not an accident though...)

I can make it look like an accident. And that's what I did next. I thought of a way to cover my crime by making it look like an accident. Like any normal person will do.

(Uhm...one point though...)

Shush! I know, I am so normal about all of this, its scary. I have normal reactions on things, you know. Very normal.

Anyways, I looked at the clock and decided I have enough time to stage my crime scene to make it look like an accident.

And when Qing came home, he came home to a dark house.