Keys of Life

Chapter Twenty-One: Faye

Chapter Twenty-One: Faye  

  My heart thudded in my chest, a resounding boom of life. I breathed in, a flickering, flimsy sound that I had listened to for the past year, and many others. I felt the thrumming of blood in my ears and the itchiness in my eyes. I blinked. The happiness in my heart, the sated curiosity in my mind somehow still thirsty. I swallowed. Millions of cells, millions of emotions, millions of thoughts, and many more millions of cells.

   Each little thing I had been doing for the past year. It felt different. It felt real. It felt strong. It felt more than helpless. It felt sad. It felt good. It felt right. It felt like the way life was supposed to be, supposed to live.

   My breath caught in my throat. Time caught in a loophole. I had no idea how many minutes I had been sitting there. I had absolutely no clue whether it was night or day, heaven or hell. I didn't know how long it had been since Autumn had left. 

   Someone cleared their throat. And again. And again. I turned my head to the side slightly to see Keenan, a statue of russet curls and melting eyes.

   "Hey," I said quietly, my voice dry and husky from the unknown period of time I had spent contemplating my existence.

   "Hi." He glared at me. I gathered the energy to glance at my watch. Four hours after he had dropped me off. I shrugged my shoulders, too lazy for an apology. He nodded, too lazy for words of forgiveness.      

     I wrapped a hand around Keenan's arm and we set off, past gossiping ladies and lampposts. It was perfect, rare moments of utter calm that I didn't need to fill with mindless chatter. I was a talker, couldn't still my tongue without feeling like the silence was growing unbearably awkward. People then felt uncomfortable because they couldn't get a word in edgeways or have a minute of silence. One extremely vicious circle that I hated repeating, but I couldn't help but complete.

   The night seemed to sleep, the stars shining dimly in faraway places and the wind snoring gently at my feet. For an instant, the world seemed to nest at the tips of my stilettos, one command away from paradise. I wrapped myself in the cloak of blackness woven from the moon and the ground beneath me, and with three quick movements, spoiled it all.

   I stumbled. My arms reached to catch myself in Keenan's proffered arm even as I let go. I looked into his eyes and saw something I had never wished to see.

   Regret. Unhappiness. Love. Guilt. Contentment. Emotions brewed in a cauldron of chocolate, framed with the exact amount of heartbreak. For one second, my hand touched his cheek, felt the softness of skin on skin.

   Then I fell, and landed spectacularly, ungracefully on my flailing arm. Some things just weren't meant to be.

   Instantly I was surrounded by arms hoisting me upwards as if I was no lighter than a feather. I could have told the world the emotions written in my own eyes. Regret. Unhappiness. Love. Guilt. Contentment. For just a second, I was wrapped in more than a cloak of shadows. I was cared for and was worried about. I was loved, not because of obligation or pity. I was loved because of soul, strength and spirit. The best kind.

   Then that second shattered into a million pieces. We were back to being a boy and a girl thrown together in a love story that would never happen. A tale of broken hopes and bones, shattered hearts and stolen instants. Failed attempts at conversation and hidden memories of a glance or a smile. Half-forgotten, shadowy words thought in frenzied panic, and the complete absence of actual, physical proof.

   That was all there would ever be.

   We drove home, a grazed knee and glazed eyes.  One day...

   Nights flashed. A week went by in perfect harmony. I thought of what Jason would do, and suddenly, my parents spoke. They stayed longer than a night and remembered to pay the bills. I cooked, never had to clean, and Keenan stayed on the edges, the same emotions burning in his eyes that were burning through the minutes. We laughed, we joked, and we even talked for a while. We didn't do anything that could have been construed as mischievous, and we certainly didn't dance in the rain.

    It felt so boringly nice. Not at all like something that would have happened in a book. Nothing like it.

   I should've done something mad, something bad, or even something amazing. I waited. I waited some more. Life seemed perfectly slow, yet danced by before my eyes.

   I glanced out the window, the dreary day at school the same as the dreary day outside. It was raining. A girl sat beside me, professionally calm with her flaming curls escaping from her high bun.

   "Hi," I said, just a little too loudly. She looked around quickly, slightly shocked. I didn't know whether it was to do with the sudden noise or my sudden decision to speak.

   "Hi," she whispered back. I had forgotten that I was supposed to be doing silent revision.

   "It's Anna, right?" I asked. Her face had smoothed out again into a calm facade, no traces of emotion left besides a friendly warmth. She nodded.

   "I was wondering if I could borrow a sharpener . . . ?" I trailed off awkwardly. She routed around in her pencil case, long white fingers flicking pens and pencils and the zipper at the side, eventually pulling out a neon green blob of plastic.

   "Thanks," I said, walking up to the bin and watching the remnant scraps of wood flutter like wings into the black plastic bag. I passed it back. A teacher glanced at me, a warning in her eyes before she realised it was the girl who had a dead brother. I grinned at Anna. She grinned back.