Doubt

3.

Madara:

2 years previously

I had loved her.

I had loved her endlessly.

We became a couple when we were both seventeen. She was my first partner, and I was hers.

It ended when we were twenty-one, after I had lost my brother.

I never stopped loving her when Izuna died, but I just couldn't bother with our relationship anymore. She was lovely, supportive, knew me so well she knew exactly when I wanted her near, and when I needed her to back off. She had cooked for me, made sure I kept taking my antidepressants, but also allowed me to do things for her as well, because she knew I needed that to feel whole.

But I had pushed her away. I thought I didn't deserve her, and as I lost all my confidence when Izuna died, when I couldn't save him, when my CPR failed, I didn't dare to say it to her face.

Instead, I stopped investing in us to make her break up with me instead.

It was the worst thing I had ever done in my entire life.

"I'm not breaking up with you because you're a bad boyfriend, or because I cannot deal with your mourning, or your depression." She was kneeling down next to me, stroking my hair, that was shoulder-length at the time, away from my face. So kind... Why are you still so kind? "I'm breaking up with you because I know you want me to."

After a year, I had picked up not most, but some of the pieces, and I had realised my mistake.

By then, it was already too late.

"Madara, I have loved you, but I have found someone. It wasn't my plan, but I have found someone." Once again, she stroke my hair, now reaching my ribcage, from my face. "You deserve to know I... I don't have feelings for you anymore. I thought through some things you did to me after Izuna died, and I couldn't live with you after that."

The worst thing was, she was absolutely right.

It had taken me a long time to get over her. To get over what I had done to her.

Present time

Hashirama:

"Come on, Hashi, do it!"

"No." I smiled tiredly.

"Come on!! Shot! Hashi! Hashi!"

"Hashi! Hashi! Hashi!" they all chanted.

I doubled down and swallowed the large shot of Fireball, to everyones cheers and my own self-hatred.

"Yass, let's get out!"

And I found myself wishing I was at home, under a blanket, watching a film.

Preferably with a certain someone next to me. Someone much more real...

Madara:

I looked down on my book and found it was impossible to focus. Two years ago today... Two years ago today, I failed. I failed saving him...

It was Friday evening, and as principle I tried to keep those free from studying. But tonight, I needed a distraction. Turned out studying wasn't a viable option, seeing I had read the same sentence over and over again without understanding a word.

Alcohol. The thought suddenly popped up into my mind. I want alcohol.

The first few months after Izuna's death, I had drunk quite a lot. I had partied hard and even drunk at home sometimes, trying to numb my feelings out. In the end, it had dawned on me that it might turn into an addiction, and the thought of making my parents endure that scared the living daylights out of me, so I stopped completely. But tonight...