[VicFuentes] Dance, If It Moves You

One.

“Death will be a great relief. No more interviews.” – Katharine Hepburn

Her big, soft brown eyes stare into mine, full of confusion and curiosity, she doesn’t understand, she wouldn’t understand, there’s no way for her to comprehend what’s happening. “Are you going to see Uncle Mitch?” Opening my mouth to say something, anything, whatever I can think of, but I can’t think of anything, I have nothing to say to her, there is nothing I can say to make her understand that no one is going to see him, they’re only going to see a headstone, and she can’t grasp that. I can’t explain to my five year old that the man she calls her uncle is no longer here, he won’t be here, he’ll never be here and she won’t get to see him again.

Combing my fingers through my hair, I bite down on my lower lip, feeling the tears rush to my eyes, burning, and it’s hard to swallow the throbbing lump in my throat. “I can’t see Uncle Mitch anymore, baby girl. No one can see Uncle Mitch. But, when you think of him, he’ll be looking down at you, smiling. He’s gone to a place called Heaven and unfortunately there are no visitors allowed. So, what you have to do is think about him. Talk to him through your thoughts and he’ll be there listening. He might not answer, but he’s listening to everything you tell him.”

Furrowing her eyebrows together, she tilts her head to the side, trying to process all of the information that I just fed her; I couldn’t find any other way to tell her, I can’t tell her, she won’t understand it either way. Seeing her sad, it’s the most painful thing in the entire world, I can’t imagine anything worse than when she cries, she’s a pretty crier, my baby girl, but she heaves and can’t catch her breath and she doesn’t know how to stop herself from crying. “But, if he’s in Heaven, why are you crying, mommy?”

She, I didn’t expect her to know what that was, we don’t talk about it, don’t discuss it, I didn’t even realize I made a reference to it until now, it was the only thing I could think of to make it sound better than it really is. “Because, mommy is going to miss him.” She’ll never understand the impact that he had on my life, on her life, on our life, because without him I don’t know what her life would be like, I don’t think that she’d be so wonderful, I wouldn’t be making as much money as I do as a history teacher, and as much as I hate leaving, as much as I fight leaving, I wouldn’t stop making music.

“So, who is ready to go to Build A Bear?” Clapping her hands, Bailey leans against the doorframe of Katharine’s room, forcing a smile, knowing what the discussion was about, knowing where I'm going and why I need her to take Katharine for me, because I hate leaving her with other people when I don’t have to. Lifting her head up, her eyes glowing with excitement, and she tears away from my hands trying to zipper up her coat and into the arms of Bailey, giggling quietly as she takes a step back to point to herself, her small finger resting against her chest. “I wonder who’s ready. I don’t think that Katharine is ready. Maybe I’ll just take a few of her dolls with me instead.”

Laughing, Katharine shakes her head, grabbing onto Bailey’s hand with both her hands, trying to stop her from walking over to the corner of her room where her dolls are sitting around her small table, all ready for tea time when she gets home. “I'm ready, Aunt Bailey. I want to go!” Placing my hands on my thighs, I push against them as I stand up, forcing a smile in their direction, unprepared to do this, to be with a bunch of people who are mourning, I’ve always believed in the idea that pain is greater when others are experiencing it as well, there’s a power in numbers and I hate that.

Sighing softly, I tug at the hem of my shirt, suddenly self-conscious in the plain, black long sleeve shirt, but it’s only because of the situation, at this age, at this point in my life, it still happens, the anxiety and the negative thoughts and feelings. “Okay, so, I'm going to head out. I have to go to an appointment, Kat. I’ll be back with dinner. Bailey is going to tell me all about your behavior and if you don’t behave them I'm not picking you up a red velvet cupcake on my way home.” It’s horrible, that I'm bribing my daughter with a cupcake, something so unhealthy, but she rarely has them, and I figured during a time of so much confusion and seeing her mother cry, she deserves something tasty.

I just hate that there has to be a reason for me to ask Bailey to watch her, once again, and a reason to feel the desire to pick her up a cupcake.

&/

“So, just tell us what Mitch meant to you and just say some things.” He’s a professional, some big shot, I don’t really know who he is, I've heard of him, I know that he’s taped a show or two of ours, but that means nothing to me, and his directions only make this worse, I don’t want to be told what to say when I do this. “It’s okay to cry, Ms. Johnson.” I nod my head, not sure what to say, I haven’t really talked about this, any of it, not even with Bailey, and she’s my best friend, she’s the godmother of my daughter, I hate talking about things that make me cry, I hate the burning sensation and the lump in my throat and I hate that people see me cry.

Running a hand through my hair, I sigh softly, nodding my head as he lifts the camera, placing it on his shoulder as he places his eye against the lens, and I force a smile. “Hey, I, um, I'm Alana from Forget Regret.” I don’t know what to say, I have nothing to say, I don’t want to believe that he’s gone, he’s done so much, now he’s gone, and he’s really gone, he didn’t just go away for a vacation or a tour, he’s gone and he’s never coming back. “I, um, I don’t even know. He’s always been there for me. We grew up together and he was like my older brother. It’s hard to see someone pass away. I know the impact that he made on so many lives and he would want to be remembered for that. Everyone knows that he was a fantastic father, and he was such a great person.” It starts, I can feel it, the tears fill my eyes, my vision is blurry, and I bite down on my lower lip, inhaling the cool air through my nose. “He shouldn’t have, I don’t know.”

Shaking my head, I turn around, covering my face with my hands as I loll my head backwards, and I can hear him clicking buttons on the camera, turning it off, understanding that I'm done, that I don’t want to do this anymore. Arms wrap around my waist, pulling me into his chest, and my forehead drops to his shoulder as I cringe as a sob wracks through my body. “Hey, Alana, come on, things will be okay.” Austin and I met through Mitch, I don’t even remember how, I don’t really care how we met, it doesn’t matter, all that matters is that we met and we’re friends and he’s been there for me and continues to be there for me when I need him.

“I, I told her, Heaven, I told her he went to Heaven. And, and she, shit, she was, she told me that I shouldn’t be crying because he’s in Heaven.” My words are slurred every time I choke on a sob, choke on the lump in my throat, but he knows what I said, he knows everything I said, and I know that she heard Jolie talking and she heard Austin try to tell her what was happening, she has no idea what Heaven is, yet she knows that it’s a good place.

Chewing on his lower lip, he runs a hand through his hair, sighing softly, and I feel his chest rise and fall, causing me to stand up straight, no longer resting on him, I don’t want that, I can do this on my own. “Everything will be fine, Alana. He’s going to be missed. Don’t let that stop you. Granted, he had a big role in your life. And, at the same time, you did all of this on your own. You're going to go on tour. Katharine is going to be with Bailey and she’s going to go to kindergarten and become the smartest and most beautiful girl I know.”

Nodding, I wipe the palms of my hands across my cheeks, pushing all of the tears away like a little child, and I shrug my shoulders, running my tongue across my lower lip. There’s a guy in the background, I didn’t realize anyone was still here, and I comb my fingers through my hair, self-conscious, embarrassed, I hate this, people seeing me cry, Austin isn't really, well, he’s a person, but he’s not everyone, he’s just Austin, he’s a close friend, he watches my daughter when I want a girls’ night out. Around other people, it’s not, I'm not weak, I don’t want people to think that I am, I don’t even like people, I hate new people, it’s, I'm, I don’t know.

It’s Vic Fuentes, I can tell by the hair, the smaller height, of course, when is anything in life easy, it never is, and now I have to tour with him and he’s seen me cry and that’s not, that’s not okay, I don’t, it’s, I hate touring.