[VicFuentes] Dance, If It Moves You

Nine.

"Her name is Katharine. She's five; she turned five about a month ago." Running a hand through my hair, I bite down on my lower lip, not knowing how to proceed, I've never done this, it's not that I don't want to, I feel like I want to tell him, that I want him to know, but it's weird. "I went to the University of California in Berkley before we started touring. I needed something to be my back up, because bands usually don't last forever. Greg, that was his name. I met him when I was a freshman and he was a sophomore. We started dating about a month after we met. And he was great. We were both History majors, so he would help me study instead of hanging out with his friends, even when I told him to go out with his friends. I liked it at first, that he would stay with me, but I don't know, it got annoying. And one night he just went out with friends instead because we got into a fight about it. That's when he started drinking, a lot.

"I had no idea. I wasn't friends with his friends so there was really no way of me knowing. He was different around them. Anyway, I was a junior when I got pregnant. He knew that I was going to take the pregnancy test and he kept saying how I wasn't pregnant and it was all in my head. He was furious, telling me that I couldn't be pregnant because he's not ready and I wasn't ready either. I took it. I was terrified. I mean, there was no way I was going to give her up or get an abortion. Whatever happened I knew it wouldn't be a mistake. I always tried to think that whatever happens can be made into something postive.

"Um, anyway, the test was postive. I was pregnant. And I walked out of the bathroom to tell him, and I was smiling. It was exciting. I was carrying a human inside of me. That person was going to love me unconditionally and I was going to love that person unconditionally. Before I even got the chance to tell him it was positive, he ran. He ran so fast that I didn't even get to say goodbye. I bumped into one of his friends about a month later. He said that he wasn't friends with Greg anymore and that he was becoming an alcoholic. I don't know why that was important to tell me, but, I just, from then on I knew that I was going to raise my child by myself.

"And I've been doing it on my own since. I mean, the guys help and so does Bailey. She's been my best friend since freshman year in high school. They've helped me raise her, but I'm pretty much on my own. It's me and Katharine. Leaving her to go on tour is the hardest thing. She, um, we talk every night. She'll tell me all about her day and how she misses me. I, just, I feel horrible every time I leave. It kills me to see her crying. And I don't tell people.

"I think, people just don't understand. A father leaving for tour is okay. He's the one who is supposed to make the money and he's not the one who is supposed to truly raise the child. Does that make sense? That sounds terrible. The man raises the child. But, the woman stays home. And it's not like I'm leaving her with her father. I'm leaving her with her aunt. Well, not her aunt. I'm an only child. My best friend who she considers an aunt. I was twenty one when I had her. And I finished college and I make money and I'm a good mother. I love my daughter. But, that doesn't matter. I was twenty when I got pregnant and I leave her to tour.

"She's my baby. I don't need her growing up with people talking about her." I don't know when, or why, but the tears formed in my eyes, clouding my vision, I miss her, I always do, she's all I have, she's mine, and it feels good to tell Vic, to let him in, and that's scary. Mark said that nothing bad will happen, Kyle said that eventually I'll find the right one, Brian said that I have to make the best out of every situation, and John told me that he wouldn't push me to do something if he didn't think it was worth it.

I know that they see potential in Vic, for me, and they see the potential in me to fall for VIc, but I need him to have potential to love Katharine, to have potential to be a great father. I'm here, with him, after he cornered me, he told me to tell him, and I didn't have to, I know that I didn't have to say anything, I could have walked away, but he sounded so sincere, he really wanted to know, he wanted me to open up to him, because he isn't going to walk away. He can't walk away, we're on a tour.

Not a single breath, I just talked, he must be so overwhelmed, but he didn't say a word throughout it, just listened, and it was nice, to have someone just listen, it's nice. Running his hand through his hair, he inhales sharply, his chest rising and falling quickly as he exhales. "I didn't judge you. You didn't give me a chance to ask about her."

Maybe this tour will be different, perhaphs I'll enjoy this one and she'll come to visit and we'll all have fun, together, with another band, not just ours, it will be fun, worth it. "I just freaked out. Not many people know. Mitch knew. And those guys knew. Austin and those guys know. That's about it. I don't really share her with people. I don't like the looks I get and all the whispers about me leaving my daughter to tour." He makes me feel so comfortable. I don't like it, but it's nice, I feel young again.

"Yeah, well, I'm not like everyone else. I'm not judging you. If anything, I think you're even more amazing."