[VicFuentes] Dance, If It Moves You

Seven.

“In the face of an obstacle which is impossible to overcome, stubbornness is stupid.” – Simone de Beauvoir

He opens his mouth to say something, anything, to acknowledge the fact that he heard me say something about my daughter, but he can’t even get his mouth to open wide enough, he just presses his lips against each other, nodding his head, and I don’t know if he doesn’t mention it because I look uncomfortable with what I told him, or if he doesn’t know what to say. Out of all the people who know, I don’t, they all judge me, even the guys judged me in the beginning, when I first got pregnant, I know that they did, they knew before Katharine’s father knew, and I don’t think that, they didn’t like it, they didn’t know what we were going to do with the band, and I wasn’t leaving, they weren’t kicking me out, I created the band.

This band is my first baby, born before Katharine, something that was planned, not a surprise – and she wasn’t a mistake, not at all, without her my life would have no meaning, I would still be with a jerk, I wouldn’t have someone to live for, I just didn’t anticipate her conception. I, he’s judging me too, looking at me differently, trying to figure out who I left my daughter with while on tour, wondering when I had a daughter, how old she is, who the father is, what my parents thought, and they’re not just questions, they're assumptions and judgments.

“Um, thank you for the hot chocolate.” I want to get out of here, I need to go back to the bus and wallow in self-pity and loath myself for saying something, making this awkward, he’s judging me and I was so ready to let all the walls crash down, but I can’t now, not when he’s judging me. “I should, the guys, it’s the first night of tour. We usually celebrate together. I should get going, head back to the bus. Thank you for this, again.”

&/

Biting down on his lower lip, Mark combs his fingers through his hair, shaking his head slowly, and something in his eyes, the look in them, this all-knowing demeanor, he knew I was going to slip, he knew that for some reason my heart was going to think I'm comfortable around him, even though my mind was screaming at my mouth to stop letting the words slip past my lips. “Don’t you think that this tour will be easier? You don’t need an excuse every time you go back to the bus to call her.” There’s something about him, what he’s saying, it’s like he’s happy that all of this happened, but it never bothered him before, the fact that other people don’t know that I have a daughter.

I love her, with all my heart, I'm just not ready to tell people about her; while Mitch made his daughter known, I don’t want my daughter in pictures all over Tumblr, that’s weird, I don’t like that, she’ll be on social networking sites before she can even have one. He didn’t say anything, Vic, that is, he just let me walk away, I don’t even think that he had time to process what I said, but I ran, I ran so fast, it was so awkward, he just stared at me, his eyes were judging me, I couldn’t stand there.

“You told him that I can sing, didn’t you?” If there’s one thing that I know about Mark, it’s that when he thinks that something is right, he’s going to make it happen, and for some reason he thinks that Vic is right, for me, for Katharine, I don’t know why, I want to understand it, but I can’t. There, I don’t need matchmakers, when it happens it happens, I don’t want to fall in love, I don’t need to fall in love, she doesn’t ask about her father, only everything else, the reason why the grass is green, how we talk and people can hear it, she’s so intelligent, and she’s all I need.

Usually, I trust the guys, their decisions, I just put my whole trust in them, and they're the people I go to for advice, besides Bailey, I want to believe that what he did was the right thing, for me, and for Katharine, because he would never do something without thinking about her. Out of the four guys, Mark is the closest with her, I think she gets the most excited when Uncle Mark comes to hang out, he’s the best at playing Barbies, he always makes Ken say the right thing, and he’ll love all her new drawings. There’s nothing that we all do that doesn’t have Katharine in mind now; I don’t think the guys have gotten drunk since she was born, and she’s the reason, they help me, they're her uncles, that’s what they’ll always be to her.

“You had fun, didn’t you?” Smirking, he leans back against the couch, tilting his head to the side, he’s such a shit. “Besides, Alana, what’s wrong with people knowing. You probably shocked him. People don’t look at you and think you have a kid.” Raising an eyebrow, I cross my arms over my chest, biting down on my lower lip, stopping myself from speaking, I can’t talk, I can’t say anything, I get that I have tattoos and holes in my earlobes, but I'm a fantastic mother, there’s no other woman who loves her daughter more than I love mine. “Alana, relax. I'm saying no one knows. He was probably stunned. He’s not judging you.”

Sighing softly, I know, he knows that I know, we all know, everyone judges people, it’s human nature, there’s really no way to stop it. “He’s not judging me? Did you judge me when I told you I was pregnant?” He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even open his mouth to answer, because he did, they all did, and it just proves my point.

He’s seen me cry.

He’s heard me sing.

He’s been told about my daughter.

“Exactly, Mark, if you did, what’s stopping him?”