colors || seungjin

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"i don't want to"

quiet words echoed through the empty room. seungmin looked at the ceiling while laying on his bed and heavily inhaling the stuffy air that surrounded him. he rubbed his eyes and wiped them from the salty drops of water that the night left him with as usual since the accident.

today was the day he promised himself he would finally go to school after sitting at home for such long time. it felt like eternities for him and even if the eternities really did pass it wouldn't change much as his persona would still remain broken.

he missed his past life, the people who always surrounded him. he missed the smiles on their faces which he used to cause.

he missed his own smile.

seungmin couldn't remember when was the last time he was happy. when he felt anything. if you asked him how was he feeling he wouldn't know what to say, because he really did not know.

he hid himself from the world because he was scared. he was frightened of losing people around him, of losing what he had, of losing himself.

he was frightened to the point he became numb.

seungmin tried to keep contact with his friends as much as he could. he hated seeing them being worried about him.

'why?' you may ask. he explained it to himself as 'being pitiful'. he thought about himself as a pitiful person who wasn't even able to calm down people important to him. he tried his best telling them 'i'm okay, don't worry about me'.

but we all know this lie which causes our hearts to speak by themselves all words that would make the person feel better.

seungmin stood up and picked up his phone to check the time. it was a couple of minutes before his alarm would go off. normally it would irritate him but he calmly turned it off and proceeded on getting ready to go to school.

he slightly opened the window blinds since he didn't like too much light coming inside his room. he picked a loose and oversized hoodie that would keep him warm. but maybe it was the other reason, that he could just put his hood on and hid his hands in the long sleeves.

when he was about to leave the house he hesitated before his hand reached the door handle. he thought if it was worth it. how much would change if he stayed at home instead of going to school.

then he remembered the main reason that caused him to think about going there at the first place. the reason for which he would do anything.

his best friend hwang hyunjin.

hyunjin always was there for him. whenever seungmin texted him it wasn't even minutes but seconds during which the boy replied. he always took care of the shorter and was there for him.

that's only one of the countless reasons because of which seungmin loved hyunjin.

or used to love.

seungmin himself didn't know what he was feeling anymore. his mind drifted away always when he thought about hyunjin. his heart felt tangled up in questions which kept strangling him.

he didn't jump and smile whenever he texted with the said boy. he didn't daydream about him while doing homework. he didn't feel butterflies in his stomach whenever hyunjin showered him with sweet words to cheer him up.

he felt nothing.

it concerned him whether he was able to feel those things again or the memories of them was al that he would ever have. he truly missed every little grain of happiness hyunjin brought to him.

but now it wasn't the same anymore as the world seemed colorless to him. black and white mixing each other in the shades of grey. everything felt so cold and odd.

but he wanted answers.

so there was seungmin about to step into the so hated by every teenager building and meet with the cause of his questions.