colors || seungjin

▹ 22 ◃

cold sweat was streaming down seungmin's temples. he was hiding under his duvet and tightly hugging his pillow.

the silence filling his room wasn't getting broken by the noises coming from the outside. it was dead silent.

seungmin reached out from beneath his sheets to his bedsite cabinet, where his phone should be. when he found it, he checked the time.

"4:04. great" seungmin sighed. he wasn't ready mentally to go back to sleep, so he decided to just use his phone for now.

he opened his social media and started scrolling down and down, passing by photos and ads. then he stopped, seeing that hyunjin posted a new photo.

usually it was seungmin who took them for him, but this times credit went to jisung.

'at a times like this, memories are the source of happiness. take care of them like of flowers and watch them bloom with power' seungmin read in his mind what was in the caption. and oh boy he felt bad.

hyunjin always liked to share his actual mood with words like that, using his phone a lot. seungmin was the opposite - he barely used his socials, only to see what hyunjin had posted.

and he knew when his friend wasn't feeling well. he knew that it was his fault.

he has to say sorry.

because seungmin gave away a big part of his life to him. along with a big part of his heart, if not everything.

he turned off his phone and groaned, rubbing his eyes. everything was reminding him of hyunjin. was this a sign that he shouldn't had left him? maybe.

every thought had something about this one boy and seungmin just wanted to go to sleep.

then he remembered something, 'you just have to say goodbye i think'. those were hyunjin's words, trying to help seungmin with what he meets every night.

'goodbye you say..' he gulped while staring at the white ceiling of his room. 'i have nothing to lose, so why not'

he sighed and closed his eyes, trying to fall asleep.

❀

there he wakes up again. with the same stuffy air filling his lungs. with the same dizzy feeling in his head. with the same horrifying view in front of his eyes.

but he remembered what hyunjin said. if this dream was going to haunt him forever, he had nothing to lose if he tried to rewrite the scenario.

he tried to stop his hands from moving to unlock the seatbelt. slowly, focusing on not cutting his hands, sits down in the middle of shattered glass.

"seungmin?" a weak hand touching his cheek, bringing the metallic smell up to his nose and lips. he once again wants to run away, some invisible force trying to push him out of the car.

but seungmin stood still.

looking into his mother's foggy, lifeless eyes, he sat still.

"h-hi mom" tears escaping his eyes, he was trembling.

the expression on the woman's face suddenly filled with familiar warmth. she relaxed her hand, her eyes still fixed on seungmin's.

"y-yeah that's me, seungmin. i'm doing well and t-trying my best" he grabbed her hand which froze on his cheek.

then he saw her bottom lip trembling. his father looked at his wife at first, then at his son. the look wasn't piercing, like earlier.

he felt like the strings which pulled him away from them, suddenly broke.

"we are glad seung. we knew you are strong and could do it" his father patted his arm "we always believed in you, our little boy"

and with that, seungmin broke in tears.

he missed this gentle and warm touch so much. those kind words filled with unconditional love. he cried, throwing out everything he kept inside.

all feelings he couldn't express, they all suddenly shot out from him.

when he opened his glassy and watery eyes he found himself in the middle of some field, with his parents in front of him.

"where-" he mumbled out, sniffing, before his mother embraced him into a tight hug.

"it doesn't matter where, what matters is that we're together again" she said, while his father nodded.

when she pulled away, seungmin noticed that she didn't look like she just had a car accident. she was blooming with cheerfulness, her deep black eyes and cherry lips, underlined with a slight make-up.

she was shining with life once again, just like before.

just like she would shine if nothing happened.

this would be the smile which greeted him after he came back from school. his dad would take him on trips, like they used to.

but surprisingly, seungmin wasn't bothered with this. his bad thoughts evaporated, being happy as never.

"we are glad you're feeling well seung. how is your school going? your friends? what about hyunjin?" his mom asked, while brushing his bangs back, to reveal his eyes.

"oh hyunjin" seungmin looked down, causing a frown to appear on his mother's face.

"did something happen?"

"yeah.. and it's my fault"

"you both have a strong bond. i'm sure nothing bad will happen if you say sorry. i can see that you didn't mean things to turn out this way and didn't want to say those words this harshly"

"how do you-" seungmin was a bit surprised his mom knew more than he thought. she put her index finger on his lips, interrupting him and continued.

"he doesn't want to hurt you, nor make you feel worse because of him. but he still misses you, you know?"

seungmin looked down. his dad pulled him closer and messed up his hair a little.

seungmin closed his eyes and nodded. he felt like he was melting in the embrace, but at the same time knew something.

"goodbye. i love you"

and then when he opened his eyes again, he found himself laying on his bed hugging the duvet.

he wiped his eyes, feeling the water traits his tears left on his skin.

he sighed to himself and whispered.

"hyunjin i owe you so fucking much"