Without regrets [redwood book 2]

Chapter forty four

"I can't believe you're making me do this"I hissed at Enzo.

I gave the pregnant lady walking past me a fake smile. She glared at me instead.

Well fuck you too bitch.

I was just trying to be friendly.

I guess people here are above smiling back at someone even if it was a fake smile.

"This needed to happen like years ago. I can't believe you didn't go looking for her as soon as reached 18. You know they could tell you who your biological mother is when you reach eighteen."

"She didn't want me to know her Enzo. She signed her rights to the state and that was all. I didn't exist to her anymore."I gave him a side glance.

His smile faded and his face started to change to a look I hated.

"Don't give me that look"

"What look?"

"That pitying look. You know I hate it"

"Well I do pity you. That sucks"

"At least you're honest."I said dryly.

"Is there any point of me being here? She gave me up."I mumbled.

Cameron squeezed my hand and I turned to him.

"You're here for your brother. You're doing this for him."he reminded me.

I gave him a weak smile.

"Thank you"I whispered.

I told him to remind me of that fact every time he thought I was about to lose it. If it wasn't for my brother I wouldn't even be here right now.

This wasn't about me. I mean sure I was seeing the woman who gave birth to me for the first time in my life. I was allowed to be nervous and angry and I guess a little bit afraid.

"Look this will be alright"Enzo said trying to reassure me.

I turned back to him.

His lips tipped up in an reassuring smile. I let a breath out and nodded back at him.

I opened my mouth to say something but was cut off when one of the security guards came into the waiting rooms and told us that we could all go in now. There were many people here waiting to visit their family member or friend. Some were excited, some were null, had no expression on their face, others looked bored as if this was annoying old job for them.

I told both Cameron and Enzo that I needed to do this alone and I was regretting my decision more and more by the second. It felt good having them beside me, giving me support and allowing me to borrow their strength because I had no more of my own.

I kept telling myself that it wasn't a big deal, that she was a stranger but I was lying to myself. This was a huge deal. I wanted to turn around and run out.

But I knew I had to do this. I had to do this for two reasons. Convince my birth mother to sign her rights over to me or grant me custody instead of the states as the social workers is convincing her to do. If she signed her rights that means Elizabeth can adopt him. What usually would be a long progress could be shorten because of Elizabeth's positive track record. The second reason was for me. I needed answers. I needed closure. To move on from this pain that lives within me.

I hated feeling afraid to be attached to someone, afraid that if I show them vulnerability, they would think I was weak and walk over me or if I'm too stubborn, they would think I'm cold. I'm afraid of allowing myself to truly believe of happiness and begin to hope only for it to be taken away from me. I'm afraid of hoping, dreaming and I don't want to be.