Without regrets [redwood book 2]

Chapter two

Ryan

You know what sucks? Knowing that your parents didn't want you from birth. Like they took one look at you and said 'nah we don't want this one' before giving you away. You know what sucks even more? When no one else wants you. You hear about adults wanting new born babies so they can built that connection from a young age but I call bull crap! If that was true, I would have been adopted when I was a baby. I would have grown up in a family. I would have been loved.

But how can someone even love you when your own birth parents didn't. From the age of 5, I have been sent to foster home to foster. I didn't know why? Did I have trash tattooed on my forehead or something? Was I hideous to look at? I was a good child, I always cleaned after myself, barely spoke and yet no wanted me. By the age of 12 I was tired of being rejected so I started rejecting foster families before they could. I would run away, trash their things and swear at them. I had to hurt them before they hurt me. I had to protect myself.

Do you know what it feels like knowing that you would never been good enough for someone. Knowing that they would never love you even when you love them dearly. No? Well I do and I would never make the mistake of loving someone so much for them to turn around and say they don't want me.

I have made so much mistakes growing up. I fell for all the wrong boys. I never seemed to learn my lesson. I always went for the wrong type of men. They same men I would convince myself were broken too so they wouldn't break me anymore than I was. Boy was I wrong! I had been foolish enough to fall in love to only have my heart broken.

I thought I found someone, he had been sweet and caring. Two things I have never encountered. He turned out to be a cheat and a liar. He never loved me. He used me and laughed at my face when I asked him why. He laughed. I have never been so humiliated in my life. That was the final nail to the wall, I promised myself never to trust another person again.

I have been fired from my job once again. Now don't look at me like that. This time I didn't do anything wrong. I know I said that the other time but I'm serious this time. I actually done the right thing. People may look at me and see trash but I'm not. I work night shift at the local bar. I do some bartending but most of the time, I do the jobs no one else wanted to do. My boss saw how desperate I was for a job so to save money he has me doing some cleaning. My job title says bartending but I do all the rubbish jobs that no one wants to do, like cleaning the rest rooms. Let me tell you something, it is the worst thing ever but I am desperate for the money so I put on my big girl panties and do the job.

Lately my boss has been creeping me out. He had been giving me these looks that could win a law suit. It was so inappropriate. He hadn't done anything until tonight. I had asked for extra shift because I rent is due soon and he... guys you won't believe this. He unzipped his jeans, got his disgust wrinkled cock out and told me to suck it and he would think about it.

Obviously I didn't do it. Hence why I have my things in a black bin bag and walking away from a yelling man holding a bruise cook and bloody nose.

I am desperate but not that desperate. I won't live up to the name the streets gave me. I wasn't trash so I won't behave like one.

Palming my pocket knife and ignoring the urges to turn around and cut of his sorry of excuse penis. I walked off.

The bar is not very far my rusty beat down apartment. It's not much but it is better than the streets. As soon as I hit 18, my foster parents at the time decided to kick me out. Why would they keep me? I was rude to them and literally took the piss. That being said, I never stole or hit them. I know what it feels like to be the end of a fist, it sucks so I don't do it unless you do it first. They didn't even wait until I finished high school. I had couple of weeks left still, I didn't let that stop me from graduating. And I did with decent grades. I promised myself I won't give up, I knew I would never go to college but I had to finish high school. I wouldn't add dropout to my name. I was already no body, trash and a rat. I worked hard the last two years so I couldn't not graduate. I slept on the street and went to the public showers. I stole food from school. I often washed my clothes on the sink but some girl couple years younger offered to do it for me from her house then bring it the next day dried. Her name was Summer. Moved that same year but she was a sweet girl. Freshman to my senior. Never told anyone but had my back without even knowing me.