Without regrets [redwood book 2]

Chapter thirty eight

Cameron

I felt hands touching me. People talking to me but I couldn't hear them at all. I blocked everyone out of my mind. I was there physically but mentally I was somewhere else. Trying to find the perfect place where I didn't have to feel anything. Feel the loss, the unfairness of it all.

I didn't want to hear what they had to say. I didn't want to hear about how sorry they were that I lost my mate or them telling me that I was going to be alright, that I was going to get through this because I was strong. The truth was that I was never going to be alright. Nothing was the same anymore and it would be ridiculous to even think so.

How can someone who has been in my life for such a little amount of time have this much impact on me. To have made this much difference in my life that I can feel the empty that she has left behind.

Ryan was gone. She took her last breath in my arms. I watched her take her last breath and I've never felt so powerless in my life. I saw with my own eyes life oozing out of her and it was the worst thing I have ever seen and that image will be with me forever.

I stayed with her for what felt like hours, holding her lifeless body in my arms. Waiting naively for a miracle, waiting for her to wake up and she didn't and it hit me then. Really hit me that she wasn't going to open her eyes ever again.

I knew she was leaving me, leaving this world but it still surprised me. I have known this would happen and I still felt like it snuck up on me. I still felt like I didn't have time to prepare myself, time to say goodbye. I had hours to prepare myself for her fate, our fate but I was still shocked.

I needed more time with her. It was too soon. She gone too quickly and she dead in a way that I wouldn't want anyone I cared about to die, a painful death. That made things worst, the fact that she didn't go without suffering one last time.

I'm trying not to think about her but everything just reminds me of her. My whole house smells of her. There has been dozens of people coming in and out of my house and yet I could only smell her scent. It was like a punch in the gut.

I couldn't be in the house anymore. I couldn't do it. It was physically painful to be in the same house as her.

It could've be hours or maybe just minutes that I have been on the step on my front porch staring at the trees ahead, trying to get my head in the right state of mind. To think of something else other than Ryan because when I think of her, I remember all that has never been. Will never be.

Some people went. I didn't know who or where and I didn't care. Ma and dad came back. They have been sitting beside me waiting for me to speak and I didn't even acknowledge them.

I told everyone not to touch her, not to move her body and they had listened. I knew they had to dig a grave for her soon but I wasn't ready to let her go yet damn it.

It was sick I knew that.

"Honey"I heard someone say.

It was Ma but I didn't say anything. I didn't even look at her. Her hands felt heavy on my shoulders. I didn't want anyone touching me. Not now. Not with the way I was feeling. I was afraid that I was going to just snap and hurt the people around me.

I had to do something. I couldn't just sit around. I needed to keep busy. Keep Ryan Smith out of my head.

I stood up and started walking, my legs taking control.

I heard ma called after me but I didn't turn around or stop walking. She didn't chase after me, probably because my dad stopped her sensing that I needed some alone time.