Destiny & Distance

115°

Time has been passing slowly and though I'm surrounded with people that cared for us, I still feel alone. She was the one who brought so much light to my life, I took many risks with her and that gave my life a different perspective – with her, I always felt like in a movie, everything felt like the first time. We had our ups and downs just like any other couple, but I was convinced we'd stick together for a long time, getting to discover exotic places with her like the Maldives, probably having more kids, eventually, settling back in Boston... Grounding our teenage children together and then, laughing about the goofy things they'd do in secret. I had pictured so many things, but never did I pictured this.

Having to video-call Gabriela's parents last night, being a mess myself -my eyes puffy and my nose red- they quickly realised something was wrong and got worried, the words wouldn't come out so easily, there was no way it could be simple and breaking up the tragedy shattered my heart into a million pieces, seeing her mom cry so loud not believing what happened... I was not ready for that. I feel a tremendous amount of pain, but I can't imagine what they are feeling, as a parent myself, never in a million years I would think their pain is compared to mine. What I do reckon is we all lost someone so important, they lost a daughter, Sara lost a sister, Elle lost her mom and I lost my soulmate.

We had to come back home from the hospital last night without her, I didn't wanted to leave her alone although none of us had seen her, although she definitely won't feel anymore, I couldn't stand the fact that she was there all by herself, but the staff didn't allow us to stay. Coming back home was a nightmare, apart from not wanting to leave her alone, I did not wanted to face my reality—I did not wanted to come here and see all her stuff knowing damn well she's never going to be around anymore. I hadn't sleep, I hadn't eat, my body feels tired and I'm sure I look like a walking disaster – I've experienced so many emotions over the past hours, it's all so confusing and it's something I hadn't experienced before. If I see something that's hers, I either want to hold onto it and keep it forever or just burn it down, angry at the reality. I had not had the balls yet to enter our bedroom, I think that's going to be one of my main challenges.

My old friend Brandon is picking up her parents from the airport along with my dad, whilst Susan is helping my mom out with Elle. I also feel guilty I'm not paying full attention to my daughter, I don't have the strength nor the energy and I know I have to find it somewhere because she needs me. All of my siblings are around the house as well, not encouraged enough to talk to me -which I appreciate-, Scott had called the director of the movie I'm currently filming and he let him know why I didn't show up... In less than 40min, there were headlines, stories being covered on the news and trending topics on how "Captain America widowed", my phone began ringing and buzzing like crazy thanks to that, people that I love checking up on me, but I wasn't in the mood for that, in a sudden change of mood, I threw my phone to a wall, shattering it completely, my family only stared and didn't say shit, I could sense their pity and I deeply hated it.

~

—Thank you for coming -I say without wanting to as I sit on the couch-

I look around and my house is even fuller now, we are all getting ready for her funeral and I still can't process this. Robert, Scarlett, Chris, Mark, Tom and more – all of my childhood friends that I was still in touch with, my family, her family.

—Honey, you hadn't eaten in the past days... -my mom sits beside me, her voice sounding as sweet as ever-

I just wanted everyone to leave me alone, but it's none of their fault. I take a deep breath in, trying to calm myself down.

—I know

—And you gotta eat -she says. I mean, after all she's concerned about his son, too-