Annoyance (Spencer Reid x Reader)

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You stood there for what felt like forever, trying to figure out what to do. Finally, you locked the door like Spencer had told you to do and meandered to your bathroom, turning the water on and letting it heat up before stepping in the shower. This had to be about Emily. It had been three whole weeks since she had been taken. It was getting harder and harder to breathe, and you started to shake. You had been going out, having fun with Audrey, having sex with Spencer, distracting yourself from the fact that you had made it out and she didn't. All of a sudden, you felt extremely sick to your stomach.

Oh god. Oh no. You got down on your knees over the shower drain, pulling your hair out of your face just in time to puke. You hadn't eaten much today so there was nothing but clear bile that burned your throat on the way up. You closed your eyes and tried to regulate your uneven breathing, but you couldn't help the tears that were falling down your face.

This was a new low for you. How absolutely fucking disgusting were you, acting like this? Taking Spencer away from the one thing that he needed to be doing, finding Emily. You knew you were having a panic attack, you knew this was normal for someone in your situation, but you couldn't help the horrible deprecating thoughts that came to mind, sending you into a spiral of self-hatred. You hadn't been truly alone since the day you got taken, and the constant performative personality you had been putting on for show was falling.

You had laughed, walked around town, slept peacefully in your own fucking bed while Emily was strapped to some chair in that concrete room with no windows. How much time did she have left before she broke? How much time had Spencer wasted, being away from everyone else so he could babysit you? He was a hard-hitter, one of the best assets the team had. Yet here you were, distracting him with your own stupid little wants.

So what if he hadn't kissed you, so what if he was jealous or not? That didn't mean that you had the right to tear him away from doing his job just because you shared a mutual interest. That was against the rules, that wasn't supposed to happen. It was wrong, and it was your fault. How many people were suffering right now, how many would suffer later because of this? Because Spencer was off taking care of you, wasting time with you, focusing on you rather than doing the job he was supposed to be doing. At the end of the day, how many more people would get hurt as a consequence of your own actions?

"Fuck!"

You banged your fist on the tile wall, unsatisfied with the dull thudding sound it made. You realized that you were going to have to stop. You couldn't put your own self-interests above that of the team, above your job and the safety of everyone else. You were being selfish.

You were going to have to let Spencer go.

It was the right thing to do, you knew it was, but the thought only made you cry harder. Why did you care so much? What did it matter? The only thing the two of you did was fuck. And kiss. And hold hands, and cuddle, and eat together and laugh and cry and fight and comfort each other and mess around and annoy the hell out of each other just because you could.

You could feel your heart breaking in your chest, in your throat. You were absolutely sobbing now, small sounds escaping from your mouth even as you tried to pull yourself together. You thought about what he was going to say, what he would do when you told him. You could already see the disappointment, the way he would try to downplay his own feelings to make it seem like he didn't care. But you knew he did, knew that he would ask a million questions- why why why were you doing this to him?- and then he would leave with tears in his eyes because  now he would be too ashamed to cry in front of you and then he would go home and blame himself for something that was your own fault.

And what about you? Telling him that you belonged to him, that you were his, and then leaving him immediately after? What did that say about you, about your character, that you would tell him that over and over again and not mean it? How despicable. Because at the end of the day, you were both aware that it wasn't really a game anymore. It was serious now. It was real.