Something New

Thirty Two

"You seem early---"

"Let's go home." I told Zeke the moment I went inside the car. 

Mukhang nakita nya na hindi maganda ang timpla ng mukha ko pero hindi na sya nagtanong, hindi din sya nagsalita habang pinapaandar ang kotse palayo sa lugar na iyon. 

I was just looking outside the window trying to be unnoticeable when drying my tears because I don't want anyone to see me cry, not once did I shed a tear outside my room, in my own comfort but the disappointment was too much.

Maybe I'm wrong about everything, maybe he doesn't really like me that much, baka ako lang talaga ang nagpipilit ng sarili ko, baka ako nga ang may mali.

But what about those kisses, those tight hugs we shared when he sees me coming back? Wala lang ba iyon? Ang mga salitang gusto nya ako, na ako lang at ako ang kanyang puno't dulo, wala lang din ba iyon?

I keep trying to think of any reason to stop him from pursuing me, pursuing us, but I can't think of anything.

Is it because I came from a rich family? What difference does it make to his? Money? Popularity? The status?

Did I overwhelm him too much? Did I made him feel less than what he is? Than what he can give? Did I asked for something too much?

Napasapo ako sa noo gamit ang dalawang kamay dahil sa mga iniisip ko, I know this is not right, it's making me overthink when all my life I was so sure of my feelings, of what I clearly want, of what I do towards other people.

Baka hindi lang maganda ang mood nya, baka magulo lang ang isip nya. 

I thought as I am calming myself down, I have work and presentations to accomplish, I need to calm down, maybe it was a wrong timing for me to visit today.

I'm tired, pero never naman ako nagreklamo, never naman akong sumuko, kasi ang nasa isip ko, sila ang reward ko, iyong makita lang sila, makasama ko lang sila kasi sila ang pahinga ko. Pero bakit parang kahit iyon hindi nya maibigay kasi mahirap din para sa kanya?

Mahirap ba akong makasama?

I sigh as I lean my back on the seat.

I don't want to overthink, but I don't want to become ignorant too while trying to fight for this feeling. Maybe we both needed time to think things through, sana lang, sana lang hindi ganoon kababaw ang nararamdaman nya para sa akin dahil ako hulog na hulog na.

~~~~

I didn't realized that I fell asleep in the car, my body aches from the long ride and my brain just shut down. Dahil maaga kaming nakauwi, naabutan ko pa sina Mama at mga kapatid ko sa living room ng bahay, they're busy opening some box of Christmas decors.

Katulong nila ang dalawang house helpers namin, maybe their already planning on putting up decorations for the house since malapit na din mag-Pasko. 

"Ate!" sigaw ni Austin when he saw me, I took a deep breath before giving him a wide smile. I removed my heels and changed into my house slippers before actually walking inside the room.

"Hi! Magdedecorate na kayo?" tanong ko as if I wasn't crying kanina lang, na parang everything's okay.

I greeted my mom before sitting on the couch next to her, nakaupo kasi sya sa single sofa while my brothers are on the carpeted floor busy opening up the boxes.

"Maaga ka yata ngayon? Nag-dinner ka na ba?" tanong ni Mama sa akin kaya napatingin ako sa kanya, ni hindi ko pa mare-realize na nakatulala na pala ako sa kawalan kung hindi lang sya nagsalita.