Thick and Thin [l. hemmings]

sixty-four

"Well, this wasn't supposed to happen." I mutter, trying to catch my breath.

"I'm not mad that it did." Luke chuckles, letting out a deep breath.

I can't control the thoughts running through my head and Luke and I lay beside each other, trying to process the fact we did this again.

We spent most of the day with Calum, sobering him up as having greasy take out meals. It was once Calum had left and Luke and I were cuddled together on the couch that you could cut the tension with a knife.

There was no way it's wasn't going to happen.

"So... I guess we're going to have to have another talk?" Luke speaks up, pulling me closer to him.

I hum, "I don't know. We're friends, feelings are still weird. Think we have it covered."

He laughs, "I guess so."

I sigh as we fall into a comfortable silence again. It was strange that this wasn't making me panic. Even last night, I found it strange that I wasn't nervous before or even during. I'm comfortable with him for some reason.

"I'm gonna go shower. Maybe we can finish that movie we started?" I giggle as I reach for my hoodie on the floor.

"I'll be doing the same. But, yeah, lets do that." He say, sitting up.

"Alright, see you soon."

-

Luke and I were back on the couch, curled up under a blanket together as we finished up the movie we were watching. As the end credits roll, Luke wraps his arms around me.

"I missed you." He whispers, a small sigh passing his lips.

I just hum, cuddling into him.

"How've you been doing?"

"What?" I question, looking up at him confused.

"I don't know. I know you've been all over the place about being here. Just wanted to check in."

My stomach flips, feeling so happy that he even cares to ask. Now that we've hooked up a couple of times I was worried that maybe he was over it. I was worried that maybe that's all he cared about right now.

"Oh, uh, I'm actually doing pretty well. The wedding was a bit tough on me with the whole open bar thing... but yeah. You were a pretty great distraction."

He chuckles, "I guess I forget sometimes that you struggle with it. I tired my best to not drink at the wedding, though."

"Thanks, but you don't have to. Like, if you wanted a beer right now, I can handle it. I've gotten a lot better with dealing with being sober. I mean, I was completely fine when you and Cal were smoking last week."

"Were you able to handle it- like, at first?" Luke stumble through his question, nervous to come out and ask me these things. He's always very careful about everything that's happened to me.

"Fuck, I relapsed a couple times at the beginning. I was so embarrassed back then. Now I know it was totally normal, it happens to almost everybody." I tell him, curling back into his arms. I didn't really want to have to look him in the eyes while talking about this.

"If you're uh- comfortable talking about it, would you be willing to tell me what happened? I just- I want to get to know you better."

"Okay, yeah. I mean, before it all happened I did drink a good amount. I remember when we were married you always tried to stop me. At university I just figured it was normal and fine. I'd smoke with the roommates often. It was only after the cheating that I started with the cocaine."

"Fuck."

"It was my choice. I was doing it so often, I really don't know how I didn't overdose earlier. It was just- it was so bad." I mutter.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I eventually ended up overdosing, it was laced. I was so lucky Ashton was with me. If he wasn't, I wouldn't be here today. He spotted it right away. He knew what to do. I truly don't know how he handled everything so well. I still feel bad to this day that I put him, and Michael, through that. Sometimes I think about what would've happened if they weren't there. Maybe that would've been better for everybody."

"That would've been traumatic, Kelsey." Luke replies, clearly not happy with the last thing I had said. 

"Either way it's traumatic. I'm happy I'm still here... most times. It just- anyway. Ashton was the one who made sure I was okay. When I got out of the hospital he was constantly there. I feel like I'd still be doing lines, or even worse drugs, if it weren't for him."

"Worse?" He questions.

"I've never told anybody this, I haven't even thought about it since it happened. At one point, when I was using way too many times in a day... I went to this party. One I went to by myself, with my dealer. We were pretty good friends. Anyway, I- I almost did meth that night at that party. I didn't, thank god. Could you imagine if I started using meth? Fuck, oh my god." I tell him, starting to get choked up.

I can tell Luke doesn't know what to say. I wouldn't either. I look up at him, seeing his eyes filling up with tears. It

"I was in such a bad place. I didn't care what I was doing to my body. I really didn't. If it made me feel better for a bit, I was going to do it. I was ready to. I was high as fuck, it wasn't hard to convince me to do things at the time. But I didn't. I don't know why I didn't. I just thought that... maybe it wasn't a good time. I had to go home to my roommates an hour later. Then a couple weeks later, everything happened."

"I don't deserve you. I did this to you. You should still be ignoring me. I'm so fucking sorry. Oh my god. Kels, I'm so sorry." He says, letting go of me and standing up.

"Hey, that's not true. I have to take responsibility for choosing an unhealthy coping mechanism for you cheating on me."

"Yeah, if I didn't cheat on you then you wouldn't have needed a coping mechanism." He replies, his voice starting to raise as he paces across the living room.

"Luke, listen, addiction runs in my family. Alcoholism has ruined my family time and time again. I always tried to be aware of my addictive tendencies, but this was just... I couldn't control it. It got out of hand."

"I'm so sorry." He chokes, stopping in his tracks and looking me in the eyes.

"Luke, seriously, stop."

"You almost died!" He exclaims.

"Because I was an addict, Luke! It has nothing to do with you!"

He doesn't say anything, he just sighs. Sitting back down beside me, he just rests his head on my shoulder.

"I'm okay now. We will never get anywhere if you blame yourself." I tell him, speaking softly and I grab one of his hands.

"You're so strong and brave and powerful and-"

"Luke!" I interrupt, moving away from him as I giggle.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks. Thank you for understanding." I tell him, giving him a small smile.

"Of course. I hope that we can try to start moving past everything in the past." He softly says, looking up at me.

"Should we do that start over thing they do in movies?" I ask.

He chuckles, sitting up straight. "Hey, I'm Luke. So nice to meet you." Luke reaches out to shake my hand.

Giggling, I shake his hand, "I'm Kelsey. I guess I'll see you around?"

"I think so. Maybe we can go out some time?"

I nod, "I think that sounds great."

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hi I hope this is ok!