Thick and Thin [l. hemmings]

forty-five

The second I walk out of the doctors office into the waiting room, Nina quickly jumps up, walking over to me.

I just continue towards the door, she follows.

"Are you okay?" She asks as we approach the car.

"Yeah. She checked. Everything is good."

"But, like, are you okay?" She asks again, the two of us getting into the car.

That's when I breakdown, "I'm obviously not okay!"

"Sorry, I know. I'm sorry." She replies, reaching out and holding one of my hands.

"This isn't easy! I wasn't ready to have a baby but, fuck! This fucking sucks. I wish it never happened. I should've never slept with Ashton. I knew it was stupid of me to do."

"Hey, stop that. These things happen. You can't change the past. You'll get through this. You got this. You've dealt with so much shit, you got this."

"I'm tired of dealing with shit! I can't keep doing this!" I scream, my head falling to my hands, still crying. This past week has been horrifying. Both the physical and emotional pain have been traumatizing. I haven't seen either Kyle or Ashton through the whole thing, I've been in bed all week. Nina has been doing everything for me. They both texted me since they're great friends, but I never replied. I needed to be alone.

"Oh, honey, I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She mumbles, reaching over and rubbing my back.

"I'm so tired. I'm so tired. Not just sleep tired. I'm tired of everything. Nina, I love you. Thank you for putting up with me. I'm so sorry."

"Stop! Don't apologize! I'm here for you. I love you. It's okay. I got you."

"Can we just go home? I need a nap. I've seen enough doctors this week I'm set for a long time." I sniffle, looking up at her.

She nods, "Yeah. Of course."

The drive home was just me trying to calm down, and Nina telling me I'm okay.

When we get home, all I want to do is nap. Sleeping is my only escape from constantly thinking about this. Even though I've had a hard time sleeping recently, I need to do whatever I can to. Just to get away, even if it's just for an hour.

Nina finally pulls up to our place, and I feel so relieved to be able to spend the day in bed.

I've emailed all of my professors to explain my situation. Most of them have been understanding. There's no way I could go to class these past few days. I need some time.

Once I begin to make my way up to my room, Ashton is by the top of the staircase, as if he's waiting for me.

"Kels, come here." Ashton says, grabbing my hand and pulling me into his room as soon as I make it upstairs.

"Ashton, I really don't have time for your drama. I just need to rest. I need sleep." I sigh, weakly trying to break free from him as he pulls me onto his bed. I didn't have the energy to fight him off.

"It's not about me. It's about you. What the fuck has been going on? You tell me everything, Kels. You're not okay. I can see that. Why?"

"I- I can't tell you." I choke out, tears pooling in my eyes once again.

The thought had already crossed my mind. It's not like I'm pregnant anymore, why would he need to know? Why should I put him through the trauma I've gone through? He can continue to sleep around with all his girls and not know any of this.

But part of me knew that was wrong. Ashton should know this happened. This was his baby too.

"Why?"

"You're gonna be mad I didn't tell you earlier." I cry, unable to look at him.

"Hey, shh... it's okay. What's going on? Did you relapse?"

"I just had a miscarriage." I blurt, unable to look at him as I continue to cry.

"What?"

"It was yours."

"What?" He repeats, a bit louder this time.

"I'm so sorry, Ashton, but it's just-"

"It's just what, Kelsey? You're having my baby." He yells, clearly mad, like I knew he would be.

"I was! But I'm not now! Why are you being like this?" I scream, choking on a sob.

"Hey! What the fuck is going on in here?" Nina interrupts, bursting into the room after the yelling.

"It doesn't concern you, Nina." Ashton groans, running a hand through his hair.

"No. Fuck you. I won't let you yell at Kelsey. She's been through enough. She doesn't need this." She says, grabbing my hand and pulling me out of Ashton's room with her.

Heading into my room, she closes the door behind us and locks it, so Ashton won't follow us in.

"I'm sorry I had to tell him- he- he just-"

"It's okay it's not your fault he's being so awful." She whispers, hugging me tightly.

"I wanna go home. I wanna go back to Seattle. I wanna get away from here. I wish I had a mom who gives a fuck about me." I slowly speak, my voice very monotone as I stare off at nothing.

"I don't think anybody has heard you call Seattle home in years." She comments, the two of us pulling out of our hug.

"Did I? I didn't notice. I'm exhausted. I wanna sleep." I tell her, crawling across my bed and curling up in the corner.

"Kels... I think maybe you should go back to Seattle early. It might be better for you."

"Yeah. Maybe. But Luke is there. So maybe not that good."

"Luke? The one that was here?"

"My ex? Yeah. Him." I tell her, any filter I had just completely gone at this point. I no longer have the energy to give a fuck.

"Oh, uh-"

"I can't do this right now. I need to sleep."

"Um, okay. Yeah, uh, okay? Do you need me to stay?"

I shake my head, yawning, "I'm okay. You have class soon."

"Yeah, okay. Uh- yeah." She stammers, still seeming distraught. "Get some rest."

-

I napped for a couple hours. When I woke up I was home by myself. While I was alone, I went to grab a bunch of food to bring up to my room, since I plan on locking myself in there for a while. I love my roommates, but I just can't right now. I need time to myself.

There was no way I wanted to have to talk to Ashton today. I got enough from him today. I know Nina is doing her best to help me, and I love her for it. But I really do need to just be on my own. I need to go through this without her asking if I'm okay every ten minutes.

This is something I need to go through on my own sometimes.

Once I have everything up in my room, I lock myself in there. All I wanted to do was curl up in bed and watch Netflix.

After about an hour, Nina came home. She didn't come to my room right away. She texted me before she came up. I acted like I was asleep, I love her, but dealing with her questions was just a no for now.

Ashton texted me right before he got home if it's okay that he comes to talk to me. I said no. I don't think I've ever said no to him like that.

Being alone has given me some time to think and reflect. I've mostly just tried to distract myself.

I'll deal with them tomorrow.

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ok so I have a bit prewritten so I'm trying to not update only once a month