Carved in the Heart

27

The whole of my stay at home, I was in tears. The least chance I get to be alone, I begin to cry. I was in my room for most of my stay. I didn’t feel like going out or meeting people.

When I’m with people, I smile but deep in me, I was hurting. Later, I got to realize that the Jessica girl also attends the same church as Desmond and I.

I had to put on a smile whenever I go to church just so Desmond doesn’t see that I’m hurting. There were times that I miss him but I had to hold myself from calling him.

All I do is remember some moments we shared together and I’ll be back in tears.

I take my phone go to facebook and see a picture of Jessica and him. It then brings me back to crying my eyes out again.

Luckily for me, I came home for a two weeks’ vacation so I left early to school. Going to school wasn’t one of my favorite things to do but as at now, I’m so thankful for that.

We’re finally starting our final exams and after that, I’ll be done with senior high school.

I dedicated most of my time to learning because if I become idle for a few minutes, I start crying.

Whenever someone notices me crying and they ask what’s wrong, I tell them that it’s my eyes worrying me and they believe it because I wear spectacles.

There were times that I go and sit on the school’s field to watch the lights from the city, because my school was located on a mountain.

While sitting there, I would just be going through the promises and things that Desmond told me. The troubles that we’ve been through.
The good and bad moments.

Especially how he pursued me to be his girlfriend only to treat me this way. I just wish I had listened to my friends back in junior high school.

I’m sure this would have been avoided. I would have saved myself from being broken hearted. All I can do now is cry. I’ve been crying before I found out he’s been cheating.

I’ve been crying after I broke up with him too. All through my relationship with him till now, all I ever did most of the time was to cry and get hurt.

It was only on few occasions that I didn’t cry. It’s only on few occasions that I was happy in the relationship.

Maybe it was meant to go downhill.
It was during that time in school where I sit alone and ponder over everything time and again did I realize that I was holding onto something that was doomed for a long time.

I had hope that our love can work for us. I had hope that it was a test of time and I need to stand firm and be strong. I had hope for something that was hopeless. Which I never realized until it was too late.

Five and a half years of my life, five and a half years of our relationship, five and half years of a dream built together. All of it has gone to waste.

‘love is a swimming fish
It settles wherever it feels safe
And leaves whenever it senses danger.
But my love wasn’t that fish
It was the sea weed that decided to stay
My love decided to stay at one place
For the fish to finish it.
It decided to be there till the fish had it fill.
My love was thrown away
Like how the fish vomited the sea weed.
My love like the sea weed
Didn’t mean anything.’

Now that I’ve lost my love, I don’t have to lose my life too. Natalie, get yourself up and go prepare for the paper. I told myself and I got up to go to my room.

***†**************†*****************
😭😭😭.
Who else cried?

Love,
Anything gold.