When A Playboy Loves

|| 53.

King

A hand ran through my scalp, I yanked my bushy hair from the root, delighting in the sharp pain that came with it. The phone pressed against my ear seemed to grow heavier with each passing second, heavier than the excruciating silence from the receiving end. I pulled it away to take a look at the screen and sighed, the call had ended but there was a text, he was working on it.

Shoving the phone into my pocket, I paced in front of the window and tugged harder on my hair. I should have been comforted by the message, relieved to know emotions still coursed through me, the closest I had been to feeling something new in weeks. But it didn't squelch the heaviness residing in my chest and I refused to fan into flames the embers of hope begging for a chance.

Hope was fickle, dangerous, it flickered like a dying candle. I wouldn't be fooled twice.

Why did it have to be us?

Lightning zigzagged through the sky, my sleep-deprived brain finally registered the impact of the cold on my feet and I stopped pacing. The socks in my drawer would do me good right now but I had no intention of moving across the room to get one. A small scream tore through my lips, my eyes strayed to the dark clouds, waiting for a divine miracle to revert the incidents of the last three weeks. Starting from the day we fought, I should have changed the channel.

I stared long and hard at the drops of water pelting the wet marbled floor, hoping to see what Uti saw. She spent long hours in front of the window in the guest room she had converted to a temporal workshop, staring.

Another round of lightning illuminated the sky, I caught a glimpse of a man who closely resembled me in the window. Hairs littered his jaw and cheeks in an uneven pattern, he needed a shave. I sniffed the air around me, my nose scrunched. A shave and a bath.

Cold sneaked up on me and my hands soon found their way into the pockets of my grey jogger. An image from our last days at the beach crashed over me, I exhaled. Lightning frightened him. Tugging on the rope fixed to the collar of my hoodie, I drew the curtain close, casting the room into darkness which I gaily welcomed. Darkness, my new friend.

I should never have mentioned the party, I scoffed, running my fingers through my hair. They didn't even notice my absence.

None of them called, the simple apology I gave for missing my goddaughter's birthday must have been convincing. They claimed to be my friends yet they couldn't see past the noncommittal responses, the extra laughing emojis to their memes. Tomiwa was the therapist, he should have noticed.

It hurt. Every single thing did, especially the doctor's voice resounding in my head. He could have tried his hardest. As a medical practitioner, he should have known more, had access to finer equipment, offered us other better options. Something. Anything.

Balling my hands into fists, I banged my head against the wall to muffle that man's tormenting voice. He had only one job. One.

His brain is not receiving enough oxygen.

Tears stung my eyes, my back met the wall as I slid down to the cold floor and I choked on a sob. Tucking my head between my hands, my fingers dug painfully into my scalp, I whimpered, stifling the urge to cry.

I couldn't cry, no one had cried yet.

Confusion settled over me as my eyelids fluttered open to the sight of glistening tiles, I sniffed and my fingers tentatively reached for my cheek. I wiped it dry. It was unmanly to sit in a corner of my room and cry, even little Esther never shed a tear, let alone me.

I jumped, making my way to the bathroom for a much-needed bath. Grown men took charge of the situation, they never cried.

The water was between scalding and hot enough to peel my skin but I felt something, even if it was pain. Hissing at the hot stream of water jetting down on me, I scrubbed my body and overgrown hair until my muscles screamed in protest and my scalp demanded a reprieve. But it wasn't enough. I needed to feel this, the sting. It was the closest I would ever get to how she felt, my form of penance for taking him from her.