His Muse

είκοσι εφτά | inquietus

                            27 | restless

A/N: Sincere apologies for not updating, I've been reading all the messages, my laptop broke down so I couldn't write. However, I spent time writing up chapters ready for typing so I will be releasing some more chapters this week and next week. Also just noticed that I've been calling "Mr Shaw" "Mr Biermann", terrible mistake. Changing it now.
Enjoy.

My heart hurt.

"I don't know" I wept into Nalani laps, the tears streaming down my face.

She tutted and massaged my hair, "I'm so sorry" she whispered, her gentle voice like a soothing balm to my sore heart and body. I had started having aches and pains all over my body, Nalani with her 'expert medical advice' was convinced it was psychophysiological and forced me to come and stay with her so she could monitor my cortisol levels.

It was true though, I was devastated, I felt like my heart had broken - it hurt so much to take deep breaths so I took in shallow breaths. I blew my nose again, my nostrils reddened by the rubbing of the tissue fibres.

I hadn't even given Nalani enough time to grasp the concept of werewolves, though she had surprisingly taken it well, something I had put down to her paternal grandfather's background in the study of witchcraft and supernatural beings, but also the slight kook in Nalani.

I had little to no appetite and when I did manage to eat something, I'd feel like throwing up instantly and my throat was hurting from all the vomiting. I was only lucid enough thanks to the pockets of naps I was able to get throughout the day. Fortunately, Mr Shaw had allowed for a few weeks off which I felt was more than enough to recover. I spent the first week lying in bed nursing a massive migraine, that wouldn't go away - even with Magda's tea. It finally ebbed away when I mustered the courage to go out and sit down in the garden, allowing the fresh air to fill my lungs. I'd spent the next week working from home, typing up depositions and drafted letters - that I surreptitiously requested - which helped distract me from the issue, but at night, when I'd done all my work and extra, I was left with my troubled thoughts. Oftentimes, I heard my mother call me as I slept, Briony's hand outstretched towards me... just waiting for me to reach it, but no matter how fast I ran, I could never reach her in time. I felt her presence in my dreams, the Moon Goddess - more than I ever had before - insisting on being the final director of my dreams.

Other times I'd wake up, seemingly sobbing myself out of sleep and when I'd roll over, he'd be there... sleeping too. Always in the same position at first, his shirtless back turned towards me curved in to a ball but when he'd turn around, his hands crossed over each other's into tight fists, with sweat beads on his forehead as though tormented. Sometimes, he'd be leaning in the counter top in the kitchen and initially, I was frightened but I got so used to him being there that when he stopped turning up, his absence itself was a presence in my unsettled mind.

Remembering Darcy's awkward glances at the door, I shut my eyes. She'd pointed out my betrayal in an accusatory tone and I snapped back at her for befriending me knowing what Autumn had done.

She stepped back, "it wasn't my place to say" she retorted, her hands crossed over her chest in an argumentative way, an adjective I never thought I'd use to describe her knowing her pleasant but politely outspoken nature.

I had nodded back, my lips pursed because it was hard to point the finger when I too had done something awful. She cast her eyes down from mine, looking at my suitcase and then at the door. I'd gotten the message.

"Do you want me to check?" Nalani requested, reaching up for my phone across the couch to which I lurched and grabbed her hand.

"No" I replied, chucking the phone out of her hand. My phone was switched off a few days ago and I was seriously unbothered to switch it back on.

It was getting closer to the time that Nalani would get me up and launch me into the shower before we had to go on our routine walk around a few streets before we'd head home. But today, I was going to do it all without fussing, Nalani was devoting so much time and energy into helping me - time and energy she did not have or need to devote. I was also going to force myself to eat dinner today which Nalani had earlier stated would be salmon, quinoa and spinach because they were 'fantastic brain foods'. I owed it to her to act accordingly, I noticed my stomach was flatter, my shorts more billowy and my tops loose around my arms.

"You're going to have to eventually deal with your reality"

"I'm going to shower" I replied, ignoring her comment.

"Ivory" she grabbed my arm, firmly but not forcefully, "when we go out this evening, you're gonna switch on that phone and read through all those messages and then on your way home tonight, you're gonna answer all of them"

"I know"

"You owe those people that much, regardless of who's done what to who" she finished, her eyebrows bent as her face fell, as though she felt terrible about the whole thing. Then she drew in breath, and like a puppet being pulled by a string, she straightened herself and walked away.

I sat on the bench, reading all through all the messages. Surprisingly, Magda was still calling and texting me. Had she not heard about what happened? There were a few emails that Mr Shaw had sent across, a couple from courier services about missed packages but none from him.

"Good?" Nalani asked, playing with a puppy that had wondered over to our bench.

"Magda's been calling me"

"I guess she hasn't heard the news yet"

"Right? That's what I thought too, maybe Theo is trying to keep it as secret as possible"

"Or, on second thought, it could actually be that she knows and just wants to make sure you are alright?"

"Right? Maybe I'll drop by her's on the way home"

"What of Theo and Autumn?"

"Nothing from Theo and Autumn"

"Is it weird if I say I wished she texted and called? Not that I'd ever want you to pick up but I don't know, the petty in me wants her to just suffer by the lack of communication"

I laughed a little, "I haven't given her much thought" I confessed shaking my head, not even an atom of a memory.

I flipped my hair to the side, and leaned my head back, gazing up at the cloudy sky. The wood bench creaked as Nalani shuffled down towards me.

I closed my eyes, replaying the argument again in my head, pausing and rewinding as we spat attacks at each other and then changing the angle as it suited me. The more I flipped the angles, the more the background started to fade and the more stoic Theo became.

"Ivory, we have to start going"

"Five more minutes?"

"I already gave us ten, if I give more time, you're gonna arrive home very late"

"And?"

"Ivory! You know why" she said, poking me.

Nalani's mother, Simi or Aunty Sisi - as I called her - had once told her a story of how a man had followed her from vet school, after a late night surgery exam practice, shouting lewd remarks and only drove away when she ran into a convenience store. It was during the late eighties when the number of abductions in the country had increased again, and though sound advice, Aunty Simi once confessed to me that she told Nalani that story so she would not sneak out of the house or stay late out. Sadly, I had sworn myself to secrecy and would never get to see Nalani's face when she'd find out it was false.

Though granted, it was sound advice.

"Alright, let's go" I agreed, peeling myself slowly off the bench.

"Up you get" she declared, pulling me up and linking her arms with mine, "you'll be fine, in a few months, you'll be functioning at seventy percent and before you know it, your little werewolf boyfriend would be a distant memory" she said optimistically.

I remained silent, the thought of that scared me.